McBloggenstein sent this joke to me. I thought it was good enough to pass along:
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ! Are you still in there?!!’”
Well, when you’re on a mission to save the world you might as well look good. So I’m not surprised Jesus spends a little extra time in the bathroom.
Little Johnny seems to be as omnipresent as Jesus- my dad sends me jokes like this *all the time* and if there’s a kid involved, you can be sure his name is Little Johnny.
On a similar note, Little Johnny asks the Sunday School teacher if it’s really true that God is everywhere. The SS teacher says that yes, it is.
“Is he up in the sky?” says LJ.
“Yes, he is.”
“Is he in this room?”
“Yes.”
“On this table? Inside this mug?”
“Yes”.
Little Johnny grabs hold of the mug, slams a book on top of it and holds the book down tight.
“Got ‘im!”
Excerpt from A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore (author of the brilliantly blasphemous The Gospel According to Biff):
“Why do you call this dog Mohammed?” asked the bearded man.
“Because that’s his name.”
“You should not have called this dog Mohammed.”
“I didn’t call the dog Mohammed,” Charlie said. “His name was Mohammed when I got him. It was on his collar.”
“It is blasphemy to call a dog Mohammed.”
“I tried calling him something else but he doesn’t listen. Watch. Steve, bite this man’s leg? See, nothing. Spot, bite off this man’s leg. Nothing. I might as well be speaking Farsi. You see where I’m going with this?”
“Well, I have named my dog Jesus. How do you feel about that?”
“Well, then I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you’d lost your dog.”
“I have not lost my dog.”
“Really? I saw these flyers all over town with ‘Have You Found Jesus?’ on them. It must be another dog named Jesus. Was there a reward? A reward helps, you know.”
Charlie noted that more and more lately, he had a hard time resisting the urge to fuck with people, especially when they insisted on behaving like idiots.
I just finished Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal. Pure gold.
Jesus (I don’t pronounce the J) is mowing my lawn.
Ok- here is my religious joke
I priest was walking down Broadway in New York and he happened to witness the near collision of a rabbi with a bus.
Having narrowly escaped, the rabbi crossed himself.
Intrigued, the priest caught up to him and asked,
“Brother Rabbi! Thank God you are ok! I saw what happened with the bus, but… I also saw you make the sign of the cross just now.”
“Oh!” The rabbi explained, “No, I was just checking that things were in order… you know, spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet!”
;)
So, a Christian and a Buddhist are sitting down for lunch. The Christian, after looking pensive, leans over to the Buddhist and says:
“You know, I like you and all, but I really wish you would convert because otherwise, you’ll be going to Hell.”
The Buddhist turns and smiles, and says:
“You don’t get it. This is Hell.”
The Sunday school teacher told her class a story about a lamb that had strayed away from the flock and gotten killed by a wolf.
Wanting to impress upon her students the moral of the story, she asked her class, “So – if the lamb had stayed together with the flock instead of straying, it wouldn’t have gotten eaten by a wolf, now would it?”
“No, ma’am”, said one small girl. “It would have been eaten by people.”
How sad for all of you when Christ does return. The only unforgiveable sin is the one who makes fun of and doesn’t acknowledge the existence of God. When Christ returns he will defeat Satan and all unbelievers will be thrown into the lake of fire with Satan. I don’t think this is a place you want to be for all eternity. If I believe in God and get to the end of my life and find out there wasn’t one, then what have I lost, Nothing! But if don’t believe and get to the end of your life and find out there was a God, what have you lost, Everything! Just something to ponder.
David.. interesting name indeed…. He was the only man named “after God’s own heart”. Ironic.
You say:
If he has the power that it indicates in the old testement why am I still alive and turning his flock against him?? I will never go back on my knowledge of the Godlessness of the universe, so It can’t be because of the chance of reconcilliation, why not do away with me now?? Because:
Romans 9: 22 What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with GREAT PATIENCE the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction? 23 What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory..
David, there are many that have not been born yet that will come to a knowledge of the Truth that are a part of His flock. The Scriptures also say that you cannot possibly understand these things because you hate God and have not received His Spirit that was given when Christ left. 1 Corinthians 2:14
This next passage addressses 2 more points you made. First, God didn’t “kill” his worshippers. You cannot grasp that there is life after physical death so you won’t understand that those who knew Him went home and those who hated Him perished. And: Why doesn’t God remove you? Since you are so positive that there is no chance of reconcilliation maybe it’s because… The Almighty doesn’t consider YOU a threat? You are nothing but a grain of sand sreaming obscenities at the ocean.
John 10:28
I give them eternal life, and they shall NEVER perish; NO ONE can snatch them out of my hand.
Repent and Believe and He will give you His Peace.
You hate the phrase non-believer because you believe it automatically means non-believer of some sort of religion. That is not true. What you are a non-believer of is determined by context or the noun that follows it. Most of the time, there is no following noun, making it determined by context, with the context usually determined as some sort of religion.
Do you think Jesus sometimes has a bad hair day?
Probably. I imagine when he’s zapping miracles all over the place it creates a lot of static electricity.
right before a Muslim comes in a suicide bombs them.
And…you ruined the joke. That takes talent.
Wouldn’t Jesus have utterly divine hair care products to counteract unsightly split ends?
Nah, he prefers Dove.
Pascal’s Wager is a dead horse. Stop beating it already.
Anyone with more than four brain cells would see that your position is entirely untenable. Anyone who has even been in a hot bath knows you get used to the heat within a few seconds, so does the lake of fire increase in temperature so that the occupants don’t get used to it and their eternal suffering is kept on track? If so, how can you continually increase the tempurature without it changing physical state or indeed running out of fuel, and don’t say it’s not physical because the point of the bodily ressurection is that we all get our earthly bodies back on the day of judgement.
Also, what is the point of Jesus returning to to cast out the unbelievers? If God is omnipotent then he should already know what the outcome of everyone’s life is, so why I am I not already IN the Lake of Fire, seeing as though I am a non-believer (hate that phrase, why classify what bollocks I don’t believe) and actively encourage other to shed their unfounded beliefs.
If he has the power that it indicates in the old testement why am I still alive and turning his flock against him?? I will never go back on my knowledge of the Godlessness of the universe, so It can’t be because of the chance of reconcilliation, why not do away with me now?? Why would God kill his worshippers in New Orleans, Indonesia, and countless other places around the world and yet let troublemakers like me, Dawkins and Marilyn Manson go round denying his existance?
You see all of these questions are rendered pointless when you realise there is NO GOD!!