You may think Jesus isn’t alive any more, but he’s actually right there next to you, every minute of every day. You see, he has a human body, but he can also transmogrify himself into invisible spirit matter into the 17th dimension so he can be with you — but you wouldn’t know it unless a Christian with JesusGlasses™ told you.
Thankfully, Larry Van Pelt has taken it upon himself to show what the world looks like with JesusGlasses™ on. For instance, he’s right next to you when you are in the dentist chair, wincing in pain:
He could take the pain away with a touch of his hand, but that wouldn’t build character, would it?
Jesus is also right next to the mother who is snogging a baby — as you see, he gets quite excited about it:
While you are knocked out in surgery, Jesus stands by watching the doctor work his magic. Jesus could also work his magic, but then you wouldn’t need faith, so he just watches and prays to himself that the doctor doesn’t screw up. Notice the concerned look on his face:
When you are working hard on the job, Jesus is behind you, giving you an fabulous backrub:
And that’s just a taste. Bless his creative Christian heart, there’s more where that came from.
Next in the series, I’m sure, is “Jesus With You When You Lose Your Virginity,” “Jesus With You In the Bathroom,” and “Jesus With You In The Shower.”
Some people might find that comforting. I find it disturbing.
Jesus, the ultimate voyeur.
Anyone else notice Jesus looks just like the guy in the drawings from Joy Of Sex?
Damn how can people worship such a perv? I know if some guy was watching me all the time I would call the cops on him if he doesn’t die from boredom from watching me.
the look on his face seems kind of lascivious… especially the surgery one. That one is crying out for a caption “Want to sew him back up and then have wild make-outs on the table once he’s wheeled away?”
Someone has recaptioned these – I’ll try to find them when I have a minute
Was Jesus with me that one time I stayed in a hotel, got food poisoning and ran out of toilet paper? Because I’m not sure I want him to have seen what use I put that Gideon’s Bible to… Let’s just say I got as far as the book of Lamentaions. Which was fitting, now I think about it.
It was a miracle if it wasn’t for JC you would have had to use the shower curtain.
At least that bible was finally put to good use.
Creepy.
Some people still need an invisible friend.
And what’s the use of him being here, if he doesn’t move a finger?
Great, now I have to put wards on my bathroom door.
I hear garlic is good for that. No, wait, that’s for vampires.
What’s the ward for invisible zombies?
A shotgun.
Don’t forget the attachable chainsaw.
And removing the head, or destroying the brain.
An invisible shotgun?
http://jesus-withyoualways.com/ImagesJun06/soldier.jpg
jesus is with you right before you blow someone’s head off with your blessed M16
And right after too. Helpful Jesus is helpful.
Hm, what if two Christian soldiers are shooting at each other? Does the guy with the strongest Jesus win?
The invisible Jesus clones fight one another in the sky, but their powers are equal, so the solider who has the better shot usually wins.
Of course! Your logic is impeccable.
*refrains from mentioning the Holy Hand Granade*
Why does Jesus look like Silent Bob? I thought He was a Arabian looking chap?
I noticed that too. So I guess Jesus is with us at the Quik-Stop, smoking a blunt and dancing to “Berserker!”
So where was he for Michael Jackson’s death last night? Given that you need Jesus Glasses for the job, perhaps he was consulting an optician at the time..
Jackson used to have this special juice. Guess he ran out of it while Jesus was down at the Quik-Stop getting a pack of rollies.
I think Jesus ought to tell that guy with the drill he’s going to drive a hole through his hand if he does that, and also should be wearing safety goggles.
haha yea, what the hell is he trying to make? jesus should probably whisper in his ear “consult the blueprints”
“Hey buddy, be careful. You don’t want that drill to go through your hand. Belive me, I know what I’m talkin’ about.”
hahahahahahhaah man this jesus guy, he’s witty
Yeah, who tries drilling through a pipe without using a vice?
Probably the kind of nut that thinks Jesus is with you always.
He’s got it stretched out far from him also. It’s a very strange pose. Maybe he should have his eyes closed and his head turned to complete the stupidity. In any of those pictures, whatever, but for chrissakes, he’s a carpenter. Stop smiling and help the idiot.
Actually the look on the guy’s face is like if you were on a worksite and someone snuck up and grabbed you by the shoulders, the next thing you’d do was turn off your power tool and turn around and tear the guy who did it a new one. But it’s true the first word out of your mouth would be “JESUS!” What a surprise when that is who it turned out to be!
But but but….tahts what we call free willy…er…free will
haha that last guy is definitely going to drill through his hand. It’s ok though, because Jesus is with him and probably the doctors that will help fix him.
I notice a distinct lack of helpful magic in all of those pictures. Why doesn’t Jesus simply magically fix the tooth, cure whatever the surgery is happening for and drill a hole in whatever that dude is drilling a hole into.
Otherwise it just looks like he’s waiting for an opportunity to nudge the actor and make them fuck it all up and blame themselves (‘cos Jesus can never be blamed). Except maybe the drilling dude, I guess Jesus is helping prevent him drilling the bloke’s hand, because he knows what that’s like. Ouchie.
Does this also mean that there are 6 and a half thousand million Jesi wandering the planet and perving on everyone individually night and day, or do they merge into one when people gather in groups?
I’ma in your base
watching you poop – Jesus
I can’t quite make the joke about loaves I was thinking, don’t know where fish figure in this.
“I’m with you when you’re eating fish, and even while you pinch a loaf….always”
Something like that?
It was a little grosser than that.
I systematically clicked every single picture link and could not find Jesus supporting one black person. There were a couple close calls like with the black kid in the teacher one or the black spotter in the body building one, but it’s implied Jesus is helping the white people in those pictures. In fact, I couldn’t find a picture where Jesus is helping anything other than white people(Chinese, Mexican, etc.). Again, there were a couple close calls, but it was ambiguous in each case.
Yup- WhiteJesus(TM) strikes again! Or didn’t you know… since there’s an invisible Jesus for everybody, he comes in an assortment of colors…
Am I the only one to find the mother-baby incest weird?
yes
Hmm, different culture in the U.S., I guess.
Not like shes tongueing the kid
OK, it’s probably just me. I’m far from a puritan; it’s just that I’ve simply always associated lip-on-lip kisses with romantic love and/or sex. Never mind.
From my deep well of wisdom garnered from old made-for-TV movies, it’s apparently a custom in the US to peck your children in the lips as a greeting/show of affection… as long as there’s no tongue involved, it’s custom.
we usually go for cheek in the Slurm house…but yeah, its not uncommon.
I don’t agree with Old Man Pelt’s message, but I think you are all being too hard on him. All art takes inspiration and this old guy found something that inspired him, which I can appreciate. Also, he is very talented with a pencil for starting at such an age. He seems innocent enough in his message and if Jesus helps people follow a moral path, so be it.
It is the people that use their religion as a scapegoat for evil acts that are wrong with this world. Not Larry, give the old guy a break. He doesn’t appear to be selling anything and he doesn’t seem to be pushing any sort of agenda, he just happens to devoutly believe that Jesus is a creepy stalker (which he somehow finds comforting).
SO where are the ones where Jesus is with the kid getting molested by his priest or youth group director?
Uh-oh. Based on that last picture, I’d have to say it looks like Jesus’ real father is Oscar.
These pictures are ripe for a caption this picture contest!! You should get on that Daniel! Let me submit mine for the teacher picture: Jesus: “You told the children the earth is how many years old?!?”
Hilarious. Jesus was giving me a back rub as I was laughing at this. With me always.
Jesus looks exactly like the guy in the drawings from Joy of Sex! Hmmmmmnnnn….
Did jesus grow his hair out so the guitarist would think he rocks?
and…. a juggler? why does jesus need to be with a juggler? waste of time jesus, waste of time.
Only if he’s juggling chainsaws or torches
Notice: jugglers, but no mimes.
Even Jesus is creeped by mimes.
The trucker one made me laugh.
Is it a sin to get in a car accident because Jesus is with you always? I’m sure Jesus doesn’t want to be in a car accident.
He probably flies away right before the crash- “hey driver, watch out! shit, i’m out of here. see you in the hospital where, again, I am with you always”
I find it hard to reconcile flying away with having a bobble head.
Thanks for finding this, Daniel.
Holy cow, I can’t feel my lungs… I’ve been LOLing so hard.
Mr. Van Pelt is quite the artist, though. Shame all that talent is getting wasted on pencil drawings of imaginary friends. I like the one where Jesus is cheering on the runner.
http://jesus-withyoualways.com/ImagesJun06/medstudent.jpg
Jesus is saying: “Hey duuuuude!!!! There’s a party bro!!! WEEEDDD!!!”
Did you notice the cup? That’s right — UF!
‘splains the “lolno” med-student’s face…
To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!
The clown looks just like the guy from Chicago in the eighties who had several dozen bodies buried in his basement. Stay away kid! Jesus is watching, but not for you!
I picture Jesus saying, a la Peter Sellers in Being There, “I like to watch…”
Yeah, Jesus at the dentist. Awww-kwwwaaarrddd!!!
Thanks to all those who graciously supported my continued (albeit greatly scaled back) presence on the forum. In fairness to Daniel and all, I think a significant reduction in daily comments is warranted, is the least I can do. Contrary to popular opinion, I do not care to be the center of attention. That’s not my “real life” personality, actually quite the opposite, am a bit of a recluse, mostly keep to myself, its not about me (isn’t that Rick Warren’s famous tagline? ha). For those of you who suggested that I change my writing style, I wish I could, I really do but I cant unless I switch topics altogether, sorry.
Regarding this thread (yes I actually read, saw the post) this is a common misunderstanding, He is not separate, outside of us, but actually within us, even as us. He is spirit, not a historical, physical Christ, ugg. The truth not being well conceptualized. It’s more like a pre-empting, a swapping out of the old, corrupted aspect (adam nature) and the replacement with the original, pre-fall man (Christ, a “son” of God) within as things were before the fall, before the introduction of the man of sin (adam) now having been “cast out”, nailed to the cross. This faulty humanity is no more, the separation extinguished.
Got a chuckle out of LRA’s comments regarding the oft depicted anglo/caucasion “American” Jesus. I think they would have Him draped in an American flag sipping a Coke and eating a hamburger while watching a baseball game if they could get away with it. Of course He would drive a Chevy? And for desert? Apple pie what else.
As far as Kodie’s comments about me thinking I am “one of you guys” cuz I am anti organized religion? uh…no. Its true that I get along with you guys (on the average) about as well as I do the religionists, ha but am under no illusions as to my true filiations.
So, much, much less of JC is my commitment to UF. Thanks for accommodating me to the degree that you have, I appreciate it (and you all) very much and apologize for the numerous, excessive back and forth posts that my wildly disparate viewpoints sometimes caused.
My journey has taught me that this life is an intoxicating illusion and few there be that ever fully free themselves from it’s skewed and jaded lens. But if you would truly see, Jesus (the Spirit of Christ within) is the red pill, the eye opening, illusion shattering red pill (matrix reference for you movie buffs). :)
All the very, very best.
I’m not so sure He would drive a Chevy. He’d be on a Harley – without a helmet, of course.
The joy of theology is that you can make up any old shit to explain religious “facts”, and nobody can say you’re wrong. Well they can, but they’re obviously just not as “spiritually enlightened” as you and so you can dismiss them out of hand without having to support your assertions with that nasty materialistic “evidence” stuff. WIN!
Correction: he’d be driving a Chevy while riding a Harley. Sorta like the old “ass and colt” trick he pulled back in the day.
How much does it pays, when you are a Jezus lookalike to stand in?
Is that how “He” can be everywhere at the same time?
Yeah, Jesus does kind of have the big, meaty, ham face and rocker hairdo of an Alabama Lynyrd Skynyrd fan.
Jesus watching me at 13:
“Wow, how long can this kid keep playing Bard’s Tale on his computer? I mean, seriously, do some howework or. . . Uh oh, he looks bored. What are you getting ready to do with that sock?! NO, MY EYES. ME F***ING CHRIST, THAT’S THE FOURTH TIME TODAY!!!!”
exactly.
haha “me f***ing christ”– classic
creepy to think this guy is watching me when i masturbate or have sex
the images would have been extremely different in style if they had been produced over a ten year period as he developed a style of his own since he was NOT an artist at the on set and had
no interest in art at all
his claims of a dream and finding the model are completely ridiculous
These are certainly creepy, although I think Spencers gifts carries a much creepier, yet similar, version.
http://jesus-withyoualways.com/ImagesJun06/bodybuilder.jpg
Jesus is happy you’re working out. He stands in the background and flexes to encourage you.
I was hoping Larry’s cartoons were satirical, but alas, Daniel provided the only satire and got me laughing. They were sincere… a bit sickly.
John C says Jesus is the red pill, but after Daniel’s satire, it does look more like Jesus took a blue pill.
Jesus is watching the barber but can’t or won’t get a much-needed haircut.
“UF” on the student’s mug – haaaahahahahahaha!
I think a literal jesus looking over your shoulder, watching you every second, is exactly how most christians picture it. I remember a wedding my (pastor) dad conducted, and I remember him saying that there are three people in the marriage bed – the wife, the husband, and jesus. I was so revolted (I was about 12) I swore I would never get married. I would rather have my sex in private (read: unmarried), thank you very much. I did not get married until age 37, at which time I was already an atheist. This is how creepy the idea of voyeur jesus is to me personally, and i did not realize right away that these pics were not satirical. Wow.
A threesome with Jesus! Urrrrrrrrgggghhhhhcccchhhh.
But if you don’t get married, he watches you masturbate.
Well, depends. If Jesus looks like his usual movie versions… I mean, he’s pretty hot in some of those…
Well, it’s hard to tell with the beard and all. I love long hair on guys, but you gotta comb it now and then. Plus, guys who wander the desert day and night preaching and performing miracles may not be that hygeinic, which is kind of a turnoff.
I clicked on the link, and looked at the pics. I noted that jesus is not with lawyers, insurance agents, and real estate agents. Whassup with that?
Jesus is with the insurance agent.
http://jesus-withyoualways.com/ImagesJun06/insurance.jpg
Here’s an executive:
http://jesus-withyoualways.com/ImagesJun06/executive.jpg
I think in some of the poses, he looks like he is tagging along and seeing if maybe it would be interesting to transition from job title: savior, rather than building the confidence of one in any particular career.
OK, so he’s just not with the lawyer (I’m actually a lawyer, so I guess I’m on my own!!!!)
But when he’s with the insurance guy, he’s also not reading the small print.
Jesus has great hair. What’s his secret?
Actually, if you read the bible carefully (and only christians will be able to discern the code and interpret it correctly), you will discover that his hair secret is using the tears of angels as a leave-in conditioner.
Is it just me, or does Surgery Jesus™ look like he’s encouraging the surgeon in his efforts to provide the patient with a Flying Spaghetti Monster tattoo?
French Horn – is He playing air cymbals?
Barber – he’s jiggling her arm a little. Just a little. Same for the dentist.
Is the guitarist Larry Norman?
There are several refs to the mug the med student has – UF – what’s that?
Next drawing: Jesus and the “Dutch rudder”.
http://jesus-withyoualways.com/ImagesJun06/welder.jpg
I hope Jesus can heal his own blindness. Watching someone weld without eye protectionis such a good idea.
“Damnit, Jesus, stop pushing me! Just let me do my job, okay?”
He’s not pushing, he’s massaging.
Elbow rub?
No, top of his bicep. Right where his muscles are sore. Pretty damn handy, if you ask me.
Nope I give in — I just can’t imagine what sort of mind would have thought that was a good drawing to do.
Jesus is always on the lookout for another miraculous healing. Therefore, safe work practices are generally a bad idea. How can you be healed if you’re ok?
The branch of the convo has reminded me of why I didn’t like the movie Saving Private Ryan. Right in the first part of the movie, a soldier in battle gets shot in the skull but is protected by his helmet. The next thing he does is stop in the middle of what he was doing and all that is going on around him to take off his helmet to admire its qualities and be very impressed that he almost died and just fascinated like he never could figure out before why they issued him this magical hat, and then gets shot in the head and killed. Ruined the movie. I think we have discovered in these illustrations just who the culprit is behind stupidity.
Sorry if this ruined and/or spoiled any part of the movie for anyone else. Also, Rosebud is a sled.
How long, oh Lord, how long, will it be till people stop depicting a Jew from Palestine (or thereabouts) as a white anglo-saxon?
Heeeelp meeee……
I was a member of a religious cult once, one that believed in “Loving Jesus” sexually. Makes me sick to think about it. Follow the link to “XFamily” for more info.
After i read the first comment, I began to feel pitty for all of you. I cried when i read these, when I realized that the end is almost here and none of you realize how much you need Jesus. Don’t you see? He is with you, wether you want him to be or not. He loves you no matter what you say about him. My question is… how long will it take you to notice? Will you wait untill the tribulation or will you be lost for eternity, now not able to be saved? When Jesus hung on that cross, your face is the face he saw, your heartache and sorrow the pain he felt. He knows what your going through, and he died that day to save you, to help you get through the problems you are and will face. And all you can do is make fun of the Loving Creator that he is?! Not many of you would choose to die for a stranger, but if i met you and had to choose wether to die myself or let you be killed, I would choose me, because I know that I am ready, and you arnt. Im not sinless, only Jesus was, but I would rather die a thousand horrible deaths than see you die and go to hell. I want you to know that I am praying that you do get saved. No matter what youve done, he will forgive you. I hope this helps in some small way. Please know that I will pass this on to my youth group and have them pray as well.
Your statement makes me really sad. Because, you see, Amaterasu is with you whether you believe that or not. Also, Elohim is with you whether you believe that or not. Also, Allah is with you whether you believe that or not. Also, Zeus is with you whether you believe that or not. Also, Odin is with you whether you believe that or not.
The pantheon of Gods is looking down from their celestial perch wondering why you have rejected them. They are so SAD and I feel pity for you for not realizing how much they want your worship. Maybe on judgment day you will understand that the pantheon of Gods shouldn’t have been ignored. But by then, I fear it may be too late.
Honey, there is only ONE true God. :)
…and Muhammed is his prophet? :)
Ooh!
I dont think Muhammed really was a prophet, atleast not of the One True GOD. :)
At least the smart people got that it was a joke. Thanks for helping set it up, Rena.
How would you know?
You are making baby Cthulu cry.
Hey, atlease everyone has heard of God. I have never heard of “baby Cthulu”.
Everyone has heard of Winnie-the-Pooh, that doesn’t make him a real bear.
It’s to be expected that people may not know the works of a 1920ish Horror Author.
Now you get a billion or so people who believe in a magic zombie that sacrificed itself to itself to save us from its own madness. Yeah you gotta pay attention so one of those crazy fvcks don’t sneak up on ya.
A lot of people died 2000 years ago, none of them know me or can help me with my problems now. That’s crazy-talk.
Jesus can and is completely willing to, all you have to do is let Him.
I am letting Jesus send me a check for $4000 and a hamburger so much! Wait, no, PIZZA!!!!
That is not a need sir, that is a want.
Says you.
Kodie NEEDS that Pizza.
You come here and prattle on about your little god, yet when Kodie tells you what she needs, you call her a liar.
Nice one.
I’m not a “sir” and how the fu6k do you know what is a need and a want? Perhaps you think I’m joking because you are a judgmental heinie head.
I sure as all hell need $4000.
“when I realized that the end is almost here”
Define “almost”. You mean 10 years? Let’s say 15 years, after that time would you consider that Jesus is just your self-delusion? Are you waiting 2.000 years? Just remember that Paul announced the end of time in his lifetime, 2000 years ago.
no Paul said the time is near, he wouldn’t say that it was in his lifetime because he didnt know that. Not even Jesus knows when He gets to come back. Only God does.
no Paul said the time is near, he wouldn’t say that it was in his lifetime because he didnt know that
Wanna bet?
“The first prediction of this sort that I can find is from Saint Paul himself, in his letters, in 1st Thessalonians Chapter 4, when he predicts the prompt return of Jesus at a time when “…we also … are still alive.” http://freethought.mbdojo.com/2ndcoming.html
Not even Jesus knows when He gets to come back. Only God does.
Great, God lies to itself. That doesn’t sound healthy. :(
It wasn’t NEAR, though, was it.
Jesus said it would be within the lifetime of some of those listening. FAIL!
First rule of prophesy – NEVER give a time-scale.
So either there is a 2,000 year old Jew wandering the Earth, or Jesus was as full of it as every other prophet ever. Now which of those is more likely I wonder?
Well, as it says: “Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.”
At first glance it seems like the prophesy has obviously failed, but unsurprisingly this Kingdom of God is being re-interpreted to NOT mean the end of days.
What is it then? There are various explanations, depending on which denomination you ask, but it is often taken to mean the crucifiction event. By raising himself from the dead, Jesus demonstrated his victory over death and promises the same for us in the afterlife. Thus people of the time saw the Kingdom of God, which is the promise of eternal life, by seeing Jesus resurrected.
Not a very good explanation, if you ask me, but Christians have to come up with some alternative explanation of this Bible passage. AFAIK, the standard explanation is the one I outlined. But maybe a Christian can give his/her take on how to make sense of this prophecy.
ehm… let’s see 1 Thessalonians 4 from the KJV:
“15For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
16For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air : and so shall we ever be with the Lord. ”
YES, he would say that because he thought that. He said that twice, to be clear. And those letters are in the infallible Bible. Anyway, under wich definition 2.000 years is “soon”?
Dear Rena, this is a battle of wits for which you are sadly ill-equipped.
I forgot to close the