Andrew Milne has more fun with a prayer hotline:
I was a bit confused about why I’d want talk to Jesus, I mean he’s dead, isn’t he? Apparently not, he died and got resurrected. Xena explained the resurrection to me, so here’s how it went; Jesus was a pretty cool guy, and God figured he’d kill him as some kind of sacrifice to… well… himself? I kid you not, Xena told me that God tricked Satan into killing Jesus as a sacrifice. Then Jesus rose from the dead!
“Like a zombie?”, I asked. Apparently not. Zombie’s come back from the dead with their bodies, but Jesus rose from the dead as a spirit. I figured that Jesus was therefore a spiritual zombie, which she explained is not right because Jesus is eternal. I thought we were just arguing semantics, so I conceded that Jesus was an eternal spiritual zombie, which she said was “disrespectful,” but not wrong.
Read the whole thing, it’s hilarious!
I’d have thought that – these days – there’d be a prayer hotline e-mail account that would go directly to God. Or did I miss the announcement?
I have been checking the Footbullet site for several months. His posts are hilarious!! Unfortunately this genius 19 year old Aussie only updates about once or twice a month.
a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree …LMAO
Not even close…
Spot on!
That’s right, it was a rib-woman. He also failed to explain that the soul is really you, while the rest of the stuff surrounding it just there to provide a vessel for sin to enter. The sooner we get rid of it the better. But we need a corrupted soul first, or else we wouldn’t be able to appreciate how it would be having an uncorrupted one, which we only get if we agree to have the corruption removed after acknowledging that it’s our fault for accepting birth. Amazing how it all makes sense when you think about it properly.
Wrong spot…
Prove it.
Copy cat – failed.
Not being able to witness sure does cramp your style, John. Soon you will be down to just shouting ‘No’ over and over.
http://footbullet.net/2009/07/06/prayers-answered/
What’s really sad is this lady doesn’t even know her own church’s teachings. That Jesus only rose from the dead spiritually was a belief held by early Gnostic Christians and deemed a heresy by what became the “orthodox” church. According to the church Jesus was a full blown zombie.. not just an “eternal spiritual zombie” haha
But in her defense it’s all so ridiculous it’s hard to keep it all straight. :)
Exactly! I thought half the point is that Jesus WAS bodily ressurected, hence why they couldn’t find his body in the tomb aftewards and why Thomas could poke his wounds.
She also doesn’t know nature very well, either. (But in her defense, most fundagelicals deny the new findings into natural sexual behavior of animals.) So… homosexuality is evil and hated by God because it is not in nature — there are “no homosexual birds” or “lesbian deer.” Well, I don’t know about the deer, but someone better tell those gay zoo penguins that they don’t exist, despite the fact that they’ve even raised an adopted chick together! Or the gay swans… or porpoises… etc etc etc.
But it was the last part of her “pray away the gay” prayer that really stood out for me: “I pray that she will wake up, I pray that she will have intimacy with God, not another woman. God will make her full, God will make her satisfied, God will make her whole, God will be her friend, God will be her lover… Amen.”
Ummm…. that “intimacy with God” sounds an awful lot likeone of those rather explicit trashy romance novels that are so popular these days….