Sick? Thirsty? Got money to burn? Then maybe you should buy some Fruit of the Spirit! That’s right, even atheists can partake with the Holy Spirit’s fruit simply by ordering some kitschy stuff from a Christian website!
What is Fruit of the Spirit? Glad you asked:
Fruit of the Spirit is a whole fruit puree rich in Anti-Oxidants and Alkalizing Minerals. 1-2 ounces a day supplies your body with the energizing and healing nutrients required for human health and vitality. This highly concentrated liquid is a unique blend of 16 super-fruits native to the Galilean (Mediterranean) region, herbs with a profound Anti-Inflammatory effect. Ironically these herbs are the Biblical herbs Frankincense and Myrrh.
Fruit of the Spirit also has cleansing minerals from the Dead Sea. To make this product even more powerful, a concentrated amount of Resveratrol was added. Resveratrol has been shown to have tremendous benefits of restoring our bodies and helping to prevent disease.
Of course, you only need to drink this delicious Jesus juice if you don’t have enough faith for Jesus to heal you himself. But for those faithless folks, it might be worth $40 a bottle.
But I doubt it.
Ironically these herbs are the Biblical herbs Frankincense and Myrrh.
These guys don’t really understand what ironi is.
This is snake-oil salesmanship with a 21st century flair.
Drinking the fruit of the spirit…. sounds dirty! :P
Amazingly (because my mind is filthy enough to be officially considered diseased) I hadn’t thought of it that way :D
And they don’t make it easy to “shop”. You have to login with a “customer” account. I was curious about Daniel’s “$40″ remark. I guess I could have done some silly thing like submit my name as:
Ivgotsom Spechaljuzfu,
But I wasn’t feeling silly today.
It’s the cleansing minerals from the Dead Sea that turn the trick, I’ll bet. They’re probably not found anyplace else on Earth. And because they’re from the Holy Land they’re probably magical, too.
I bet “cleansing minerals” = unfiltered sea salt.
Yech!
From the customer care section:
“2. When was Fruit of the Spirit founded?
A. In 1991 Craig Keeland, Founder and CEO of Fruit of the Spirit, launched his quest to find out how we could all live younger longer. To achieve this goal, Craig assembled a team of world-class scientists to create a good tasting product that would support wellness and energy.”
I believe they used the term “scientists”.
Funny how they like science when it is convenient… or involves profit.
The definition of scientist in the fundie dictionary is: someone who look impressive in a lab coat and can wrap long complicated words around any kind of BS we pay him to make sound credible.
Why would this Keeland want to find out “how we could all live younger longer”? I mean, isn’t this bad, bad old world just an illusion anyway? Aren’t humans supposed to be striving for blessed union with God? And besides, since the allegedly all-knowing and all-loving God supplied humanity with fruits (ha–look how that worked out), vegetables and so forth, why would one of his little minions attempt to improve upon the allegedly perfect deity’s creation?
Also, Keeland probably wouldn’t know science if it walked up and smacked him with a Bunsen burner.
“Also, Keeland probably wouldn’t know science if it walked up and smacked him with a Bunsen burner.”
Any volunteers to try this theory out?
Any volunteers qualified to masquerade as the physical embodiment of SCIENCE?
Hm.
A good friend of mine is an astrophysicist who writes the mathematical models that allow the nuclear weapon labs to test the effects of nuclear explosions without actually exploding any bombs. He’s also involved in the fusion reactor project that uses lasers to create stable fusion reactions.
If anyone can be the embodiment of science, it’s that guy. I’ll ask him if he has a bunsen burner.
If not, one can be provided for him.
I’ll ask him if he’s up for bustin’ some fools then.
Maybe he could use a laser.
“… up for bustin’ some fools then.”
Has Mr. T had a change in career direction?
Everything is more awesome if you say it in a Mr. T voice.
Yes but has he got a good right hook?
I doubt it. But did I mention the lasers?
Ha … ha … I attack you with my laser pointer and do 0HP of damage (again) … erm this isn’t going quite as I expected.
These lasers hit hard enough to cause fusion.
I wonder if they’re portable.
“Quit humping the laser”
I don’t think we need to worry that much about the details. Just put someone in a white coat, get them a postal degree and then:
“I see from your qualifications and dress that you represent science”
“Ohhh that hurt and my hair seems to be on fire …”
LOL. Bunsen burners are the clue-sticks of “SCIENCE!”.
This seems very similar to that whole Montavie Acai thing thats going around…
I’m surprised their not raving about how their product includes dihydrogen monoxide, which has been proven to make people live longer when consumed.
You’re very correct VorJack. A week without dihydrogen monoxide would make you very ill indeed. I, myself, use it every day. LOL
I believe it may contain such exotic ingredients as Sucrose and Aqua.
In moderation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Water_intoxication
What?!?!
Dihydrogen monoxide kills more people per year than serial killers!
I signed a petition to have it banned in my state.
How can something so great be also responsible for so much evil??!!!
My mind is in chaos!
Concidering the Dead Sea is dying from sewage/ag runoff I’m not sure I’d want to be advertising the cleansing minerals are from there….
They should just fill that thing with water and tell people that, if they’re pure of spirit, Jesus will turn it into wine for them. That’d really cut down a lot on the costs, without really effecting the sales at all.
Wait a minute! Isn’t consuming fruit what started this whole mess in the first place!?
I “believe” it was! :-D
Don’t worry, Fruit of the Spirit is completely free from knowledge fruit.
[evangelism deleted —D]
The more excellent way than knowing is…not knowing?
Huh. The theology of the ostrich.
“[evangelism deleted —D]”
That’s one of the best things Jonh C ever “wrote”.
Thanks!
flagrant foul there D…
How do you figure? The post was evangelism. The site rules do say “No Evangelizing”. That he has been unusually forgiving of your transgressions of this rule in the past does not mean he need remain so.
Sorry John, I feel like sticking by the rules today. Too many people have been complaining — as I’ve said to you numerous times before, you’re happy to contribute, but no mystical babbling. It doesn’t change anyone’s mind and just irritates others.
When I say no evangelizing, I mean it.
I”m not sure how that qualified as “evangelism”? All the best to my unbelieving friends today…anyway! :)
Not being able to tell the difference between meaningful contribution and mystic babbling is a more worrisome trait than a tendency to babble.
To be fair to John, when you are a Church Of One, and you have to simultaneously fill the roles of pope, priest, and congregation, the difference between meaningful discourse and mystic babble can become quite confusing. I think he’s hoping we are his future disciples.
Doesn’t matter. Even though I didn’t get to read your comment, I know what you said, John. I’m kind of omniscient that way. Or maybe it’s just that you’ve said the same stuff a hundred times before.
You need to broaden your repertoire. Preferably with some actual arguments, rather than just mindless proselytizing.
Well, no one said the Internet was a democracy, John…
You’d think that since John is so clearly in favor of a celestial dictatorship, he would have no problem with things that are anti-democracy. Fortunately for him, Daniel is a much more benevolent dictator than most deities.
why not just drink holy water? My mom used to sprinkle it on me when I was bad. Surely this “holy” water would have some power right? Didn’t do anything though. Why muck up the drink with stupid fruits and vitamins? As far as marketing goes, why not market Black Fruit Drink of the Evil Devil – what with Halloween coming up and all it should do well.
How’d your mother get hold of holy water, huh? Isn’t that a sacrilege? And a woman doing the sprinkling? For shame? It’s a wonder you didn’t turn into an atheist!
What she didn’t tell you is that the “holy water” came from the toilet.
Well, I’d rather drink this stuff than Michael Savage’s fag-hatin’ energy drink: Rockstar.
Probably goes better with vodka and X, too.
Dont nock it someone is just tryng to find the code to living longer, your like dogs tryng to bite off the bone and see if thiers any meat, you lazy bastards get fit. just by bikering not the answer read and open yor mind. thats if you want to live longer i dought that losers.
No, these people are not trying. Trying implies making an actual effort to determine what might work, not just gulping down whatever you see advertised. Scientists do in fact try to find ways to live longer, and have already found many, including eating less food and healthier food (and have made great strides in determining what it means for food to be “healthy”), moderate exercise, not smoking, avoiding certain illnesses that have permanent health implications (particularly via vaccines), avoiding contact with carcinogens like asbestos, and so on. Learning these things and implementing them is truly trying.