Duane Hurley makes sure everyone knows that Jesus is his savior, not yours (Onion article):
What? Now you’ve opened up your soul to Him and made a home for the Lord in your heart, too?….
Get your own Redeemer, Matt. I have a one-on-one, personal relationship with Jesus, and I don’t remember inviting you in on it…. Just because I happen to have proselytized unto you on His behalf, that doesn’t mean I welcomed you into the fold or expected you to embrace the one true Messiah. I was only saying that stuff out of devotion to His teachings, not because I wanted you to get with God, too.
I was the one who found that little cartoon pamphlet on the ground. I was the one who looked into my soul and realized that I’d been living a lie spun by the great deceiver. Iwas the one who got down on my hands and knees, right there in the bus shelter, and accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my heart—not you. I broke the bonds of sin and was reborn into a new and beautiful world of eternal life, man! And now, you want to get some of my eternal life after death for yourself.
You’re lucky I’ve devoted myself to the worship of a forgiving and benevolent messianic figure, or else I’d seriously want to pop you one right now.
Spare me the rhetoric about loving kindness, turning the other cheek, and “all are welcome at the table of the Lord.” This isn’t about that, Matt, and you know it. This is about me finding something really great, and then you swooping in from outside to take my cool new personal Savior and claim Him for yourself.
You can read the whole thing here.
Many Christians believe one day Jesus will live on the earth in physical form and rule the world from Jerusalem. How do they expect to have a “personal relationship” with Jesus then? Will they need to set up an appointed to see him? Will they need to visit Jerusalem, or will Jesus tour the world with his BFF Bono?
(Jesus plays a righteous bass)
Will they be able to send him a text message or e-mail? Will Jesus have his own show on the Fox News Channel? (Sorry Glenn Beck, your show will be cancelled, because you are a Mormon and you will be burning in hell) But hey, but Jesus still loves you!
When he rules from Jerusalem, he will be rockin’ the IPhone with Tweetdeck, so have can have personal relations with all of his “followers”.
Highlights just *one* of the personal pettinesses, nastinesses, and ulterior motives behind “loving christians” – and does it while being funny!
I think the author could do something with some of the others too: the need to belong and finally feeling like “I, the dweeb and reject, am finally loved and really belong at last”, for example. Although that one is almost too pathetic to parody.
Or the variation on it: “I belong to the True Right In-Crowd, and I can derogate and hate those totally stupid, blind idiots who do not. But they will get such a nasty surprise when they die, bwaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!”
Or “Im a better christian than they are”, or, well, Duane Hurley could do a good job with any of them!
That is just so bloody hilarious! ^_^
This new view of the worlds (yes, plural) can explain a lot of the prattle put out by standard preachers. But it takes the searching minds of thinkers to discern the ‘hows’ and the ‘whys’.
With the existence of ‘Techie Worlds’ (available at amazon.com) believers in Christianity can hold their views utilizing sound logic, clear thinking and a mechanistic view of worlds. Applying Flatland’s concept of contiguous dimensional worlds, Trinity, Resurrection, Judgment and soul are sensible and mechanically viable beliefs. ‘Techie Worlds’ follows that rule of science by which individual details are tested for their conformity to the overarching hypothesis. Admittedly, agnostics may choose not to follow such obvious and sensible logic, but no longer can they denigrate believers for fuzzy thinking. Moslems and pagans who read and understand the sound logic of the Flatland concept must adopt the reasonable Trinitarian view. ‘Techie Worlds’ will make them abandon the ways of terror an adopt the way of love. Techie Worlds is not standard preacher-prattle. Only by reading it can you open your mind to its valid way of understanding Christianity.
GeorgeRic
Flatland? Seriously? You’re going ahead and ruining that too?