Sumerians Look On In Confusion As Christian God Creates World:
Members of the earth’s earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.
According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.
“I do not understand,” reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. “A booming voice is saying, ‘Let there be light,’ but there is already light. It is saying, ‘Let the earth bring forth grass,’ but I am already standing on grass.”
“Everything is here already,” the pictograph continues. “We do not need more stars.”
Read the whole thing. The Onion is the best newspaper in America.
God’s Alzheimer
Moses: hey god, you know I appreciate you, but you already give us a law, and you do not need to do that ritual of coming down to earth everytime you change a comma, next time just mail us the new one. And how is that an improvement? Summerians had 282 laws in their code and you gives us now just ten? Are you getting lazy?
“The Babylonians worshipped many gods and Ishtar, the mother goddess, and Marduk, the dragon god were considered to be the most powerful. It is believed that even the laws in the Code of Hammurabi were given by divine power. In fact, the code depicts an image of the Sun god Samash handing over the laws to Hammurabi”
Teehee, Samash.
HULK SAMASH!
Okay, okay, I’m done.
HULK SAMASH!
Okay, okay, NOW I’m done. Swear to FSM.
Nah, what it is see, the Devil created Sumerian artefacts after God created the heavens and the Earth!
/sarcasm
Awesome.
I really loved the one about domestication of women…
Lemme suggest some classics of interest:
*Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39512
*New Bill Would Defend Marriage From Sharks
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52984
And the best of all:
*’98 Homosexual-Recruitment Drive Nearing Goal
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28970
That was actually taken seriously by an US fundie politician, that used it in his campaign.
“What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that ‘gravity waves’ and ‘gravitons’ are just secular words for ‘God can do whatever He wants.’”
here here
Daniel,
Know this is a bit nit-picky, but your subtitle “Sumerians Look On In Confusion As Christian God Creates World:” sounds odd. “Christian god” just looks weird when connected with the Sumerians. They would have been dealing with that Jewish dude, Yahweh or Jehovah, and linking him with the Christ/Christian concept was still thousands of years in the future.
Take it up with the Onion. I think it’s a pretty good headline myself.
I assumed it was a nod to Ussher who pegged creation at 4004BC.
Daniel, sorry, but you didn’t seem to understand my point.
The Onion headline was “Sumerians Watch As God Creates World” whereas your subheadline included “Christian God”. Not the same in an historical context.
Though not an historian myself, my father taught history and was adamant about how careful we have to be with words when talking about the past.
Interesting — they changed the title, it used to say “Christian God.” I pasted the title in, I didn’t change it.
Christians think they’re God is being talked about in Genesis, and that they’re God is the Yahweh of the OT. So I think it’s acceptable usage, though I would probably just say “God” myself.
They would have been dealing with that Jewish dude, Yahweh or Jehovah, and linking him with the Christ/Christian concept was still thousands of years in the future.
Which brings up that insoluble philosophical conundrum: if God is omnipotent, could He create a stone so large that hitting His head on it could explain the change of personality He underwent between the Old Testament and the new Testament?
It really wasn’t the same God, was it? Kind of funny to think that the Christian God wasn’t around at the creation. Except that maybe he did create the world before he came into being several millenniums later .
That was one of the Early debates in the Christianity. Some Christians held that there where two gods involved. The creator who apeared in the old testiment and the savior who showed up later to fix the mess the creator had left behind. Eventually the Gnostic Idea that the God of the Old Testament was a deluded impostor was declared a heresy.
Yeah, those crazy Gnostics.
- meanwhile, the Maltese carried on worshiping the Goddess.