Here’s a list of six saints who could kick your ass:
- Ignatius of Loyola survived a shot from a cannon blast.
- Vladimir of Kiev had a viking army and 800 wives.
- Symeon the Stylite lived in a crevice in a rock in the desert until he moved on top of a stone pillar 50 ft high for 36 years.
- St. Louis was a crusader and Jew-hater.
- Alfred the Great invented the Navy.
- Saint Olaf, a motherfraking Viking who was killed with an enormous ax.
The article goes into a little more history of them — not as much as I’d like, but not bad considering the source.
Hey Vorjack, maybe you should enlighten us more on these Christian badasses! I see a new series on the horizon…
Sex lives of the popes
Catholicism offers a demonstrably superior lifestyle.
7. United States President George W. Bush survived choking on a pretzel on January 13, 2002
darn… hahah
Oh, to be in the other leg of the Trousers of Time.
Volodymyr of Kyiv.
There, fixed that for ya.
“Ha ha, the Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It’s a sitting
duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It’s feeble. I think it’s
time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.”
That’s not even the funniest Cracked article about religion. Check these out:
http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_the-9-most-badass-bible-verses.html
http://www.cracked.com/article_16546_the-6-raunchiest-most-depraved-sex-acts-from-bible.html
Aside, if one is knocked out by alcohol, can his manhood harden? I always doubt the story of “Lot”.
For years, I’ve been wondering if some enterprising movie director/studio would start producing movies about saints. We’ve got the old Francis of Assisi movie, and that’s pretty much it. There are so many exciting and challenging stories to work with here! Come on, Catholic Hollywood, help me out here!
There have been a couple movies about Joan of Arc,
and a couple about Saint Simon Templar.
Don’t forget Saint Nikolas, though, come to think of it, I’ve never seen a movie that actually depicts him biographically.
“Saint Nikolas Begins”. How about it, Hollywood?
Well 5 of 6, sure, but I doubt Symeon the Stylite would be able to beat me at much other than pole-sitting. After sitting up there for 36 years, I doubt he could even walk, much less kick my ass.
The St Louis one is total rubbish. Any reasonable reading of the contemporary ‘Life of St Louis’ would reveal him to be a bit of a wuss. His wife on the other hand – Margaret of Provence organised the defence of Daimetta while giving birth, then managed to negotiate the release of her husband who had managed to get himself captured in the meantime. Childbirth and crusade leading at the same time? That’s badass.
Alfred’s interesting in that he doesn’t seem to have been considered all that badass by his contemporaries; he doesn’t end up being called ‘the great’ until around the 16th century. Athelstan (Alfred’s grandson) was the badass state-builder; Edmund the Martyr the saintly one, Alfred got relegated to also-ran until the post-medieval period when he’s resurrected – he wasn’t canonised until the 20th century. I’d pick other Anglo-Saxon sainted badasses before getting to him, and they were venerated not long after their deaths: St Oswald, St Edwin, St Oswine for example, all big players in battle and shaping the history of northern England and southern Scotland.
8. The New Orleans Saints.
Crud. I was gonna pop in and say, “Drew Brees.”
Psh. I’m not scared of Brees. Now, Jon Vilma… yeah. Scared.
Shockey would be scary if he wasn’t made out of glass. He can’t cut his nails without a season ending injury.
A little extra tidbit on St. Ignatius, as narrated in my alma mater, Ateneo de Manila:
When Ignacio studied in the University of Paris, his room mate was St. Francis Xavier, who would eventually become a good friend, and co-founder of the Society of Jesus (Jesuits).
The irony is that Xavier’s family was one of the factions Ignacio was fighting against in the battle of Pamplona, where he got hit by that cannonball.
Most anybody who lived centuries ago could kick my ass. You had to be tough just to get through the day back then. We have it too dang easy. Not that I’m complaining….
It might not compare with surviving a cannon blast, but St Anthony of the Desert lived a very long life, and during long stretches of it, survived on little or no sustenance at all. The details of his life might be quibbled over, but his survival ability was still remarkable. He also once dared the governor of Alexandria to martyr him — but for whatever reason, that was denied him and he was just escorted out of the city.