I gave my wife a laugh this morning when I told her that, this year, Jesus was my Valentine.
If you doubt that people sincerely say things like that, you haven’t been reading this blog long enough.
Here is a terrible acrostic poem entitled “Will You Be my Valentine” by Abba Lin:
Valentine’s Day, such a day of Love.
Always makes me think of God above.
Lovingly, He gave us His Son.
Eternally, He will be the One.
Never will I not be fine.
Truly, He is my valentine.
I’ll tell my Jesus, I love Him so.
Never will He let me go.
Every second He’s loving me.
Seeing that I ‘m eternally free.
Doing God’s will and holding tight.
Always helping me to do what’s right.
Yes, He’s my valentine , every day and night.
And then there’s this post from “Jesus the Radical Pastor” that is almost worse:
At the cost of his life, he gave us St. Valentine’s Day. He laid down his life for Jesus. From the cross, Jesus asks, “Will you be my Valentine?”
Seriously? While Jesus is hanging on a fucking cross, he’s asking me to be his Valentine? How can anyone stomach this stuff?
And then there are the tweets. Oh my god, the tweets! Let me give you warning, reading these will lower your IQ:
Up this morning preparing for a wonderful day. Jesus is my Valentine (#)
If u don’t have a valentine…remember Jesus loves u more than anybody could n will!!! (#)
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!! You are special to Jesus and He loves you! If you follow Him, He will take you on an awesome adventure! (#)
Good Morning Beautifuls! Happy Vday! Jesus is my Valentine!! He is sooo good to me! (#)
To my Valentine Jesus Christ … I so LOVE you!!!! (#)
Jesus will u b my valentine? (#)
Girl he’s your 24/7 Valentine! And I’m sorry you have to share b/c he is MINES too! (#)
Married or not, I’d have to say that my PERFECT Valentine WAS, IS & ALWAYS will be Jesus Christ!! (#)
It goes on, and on, and on — those tweets are all within 30 minutes of each other. If you want to be depressed, you can see a real-time search. How did these people figure out how to use a computer? Is someone helping them?
It is impossible to satire this. The reality is so ridiculous, it can’t even be parodied.
Here are some more links just in case you haven’t retched enough:
- Valentine’s Day With Jesus
- Jesus My First Love ~ Happy Valentines Day! [omg my eyes!]
- Jesus, Our First and Truest Valentine
- A Valentine From Jesus [the flying hearts & dove is a nice touch]
Jesus.
I enjoyed the bad poetry, but I hope to be the first of millions to point out that there’s nothing alliterative about it.
Indeed that is a terrible example of an acrostic.
Oops, I meant acrostic! Good catch, fixed.
Those tweets made me vomit in my mouth.
No words to describe my feelings. Though mild masochistic amusement comes to mind.
Bunch of ignorent assholes. Jesus loves you anyway.
Screw the “love” of Jesus, can he make me a sandwich?
But… but… Daniel, Jesus can’t be your Valentine!! That would be gay!!!111one!!
Projectile. Vommit. On. My. Monitor.
THIS. Will someone please pass me the paper towels? And a bucket?
I “Kissed Dating Goodbye” (after reading the Joshua Harris book) and “dated Jesus” for over a year in High School. I would never have admitted it to anybody at the time, but my motivation was about 10% Christian Fervor and 90% related to the fact that I couldn’t find a boyfriend at my small, rural high school. Since I was dating Jesus, I was single by *choice* not due to rejection by my peers!
*facepalm*
Ooooh, that has to be a painful memory! Ever wish you could go back and visit yourself as a kid just to talk some sense to yourself? I do. I really, really do.
Heck yeah! I don’t know, I might have been kind of miserable having to spend those years as an atheist though, since I lived in such a tiny, religious community with such a religious family. I read a *lot* and that set me on my way to atheism quite nicely. Science fiction is dangerous stuff!
And even as an atheist, I still don’t think I would’ve gotten laid by anyone worth it at my High School.
Sounds like there was no-one worth at your High School. so did you really miss that much?
Heck no :-) Anyway, I get plenty now, and my old classmates just get worse- and worse-looking tans and add a bit more to their beer bellies every year, judging by what I’ve seen on facebook.
Custador, your’e a convert? I would have guessed you were a natural atheist.
I have even more respect for you two. I was very lucky to grow up with secular parents. I don’t want to blame it all on atheism, but I’ve been lucky to live a life where I don’t have any serious regrets.
You two rock for digging out of all that nonsense. Cheers to you.
I was never a Christian, no. I think you’d have called me a Deist; I believed in a creator of the universe (nothing so odd as young Earth creationism or anything) and that there was a supreme being who was always with us, but I never belonged to any particular religion. That was only for a few years, though. I self-described as an atheist before that, though I think I was more agnostic at that point, and a pantheist during that time. The actual spur to think about it, examine the evidence and decise what I really thought didn’t come until my mid twenties.
I should also say that I never had any family pressure over religion; I don’t recall ever hearing my mother so much as mention it in passing. My family are a very accepting bunch (with the exception of my xenophobic brother), so it wouldn’t have mattered to them either way.
I say all of this because I don’t want to diminish the acheivments of people like JulietEcho by giving the impression that I faced anything like as challenging as them.
Gotcha, that makes sense.
It also confirms my earlier mental picture of you. Its always funny how we build up those mental images of people.
If only these people would expend a 100th of their mental energy finding ways to love REAL PEOPLE in this REAL WORLD, RIGHT NOW, instead of keying tributes to someone who may or may not have existed in the first place, and, if he did, though he certainly set a good example of kindness and selflessness (the same as many, many millions of similar human beings throughout history), WASN’T A SUPERNATURAL BEING (no, he wasn’t!!!), and would have been profoundly exasperated at such empty gestures.
The question is, which Jesus? He was an amalgam of Greek, Egyptian, and other mythologies as well as celebrated legendary healers and miracle workers (e.g. Apollonius of Tyana). Josephus, the only quasi-historian to mention the “real” (historical) Jesus in the prophet’s on time, has been shown questionable as a source. The person people today think actually existed, and to whom they pray, never existed. The Christian religion is, in a word, bogus. And how many have actually read the story of the “real” “St.” Valentine? What a hoot!
Josephus is more than questionable – the passage referring to Jesus is an outright fraud. Apart from the incongruity of both content and style, some 3rd C apologist (name escapes me for now) spent half his life and 1/2 million words trying to prove Jesus’ historical existence and referred to Josephus many times – but NEVER mentioned the one passage that Christians still pull out of the hat as a ‘non-biblical contemporary reference. Another example of Christian lies.
They’re about as bad as Twihards. They’re totally, like, OMG! Team Jesus! Cause he’s so sparkly and loves me, even though he totally got killed in a absolutely violent and unnecessary manner ALL FOR MEEEEE!!!11 SQUEEEEEEE!!
LOL, I’m Team Satan all the way, because embracing my dark side has done wonders for my life. I’m…. far happier, now, than I ever was trying to be “Team Jesus” or even “Team Light-side”.
Ugh – Twihards… *shudders*
I like (like in more of the vomit in my mouth a little way) that says if you have no one Jesus can be your valentine. “Oh you’re single? Jesus can be your valentine? But not if you have a partner. Jesus isn’t into polygamy.”
*eye roll*
I was greatly surprised to find such bitter and judgmental comments here. Could it be that you are scared to find that there are people in the world who are truly happy deep in their hearts and wondering why you can’t seem to find that contentment that you are looking for?
I have found that nothing else will satisfy the longings of my heart – for acceptance, belonging, love, and forgiveness… I tried it for so long on my own, looking for love and security from other people and things, only to find that I couldn’t find that deep satisfaction that I was looking so hard for. Only Jesus Christ has FREELY offered me every thing I long for. What greater Valentine could there be but the One who died in my place to pay the price for my sins and who has given me True Contentment.
Go ahead and try to deny your sin, you know you’ve done things you regret that caused hurt to yourself and others – we are all separated from God by our sin… but He didn’t leave things that way…He loves us so much that He provided a way for us all to come to Him, clean and pure – and that way is by the powerful and cleansing blood of Jesus, God’s own Son.
SEEK HIM with all your heart and YOU WILL FIND HIM.
Pick up a Bible and start reading in John. John, chapter 3, verse 16. “This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. 17. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. 18. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person’s failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him.” (The Message translation)
Could it be that you are scared to find that there are people in the world who are truly happy deep in their hearts and wondering why you can’t seem to find that contentment that you are looking for?
What on Earth are you talking about?
El, did your eyes glaze over trying to read that wall o’crazy? Mine did; I caught a couple of words, but mostly, that didn’t make a bit of sense. I think the gist was, “JESUS, YAY!!!!!11″
I think that if evangelists came up with some new formulas, they might do better. From where I’m standing, I’ve heard the
1. My goodness, what wretched people you seem to be
2. You are wretched because there is something missing from your life
3. You are in luck! I just happen to have what you’re missing
4. And for four easy payments of $99 plus applicable local taxes, and every Sunday for the rest of your life…
spiel so many times I can almost anticipate every line. Get new material, people!
Hey, that’s why they came up with Fight Church or Bloody Sunday or whatever the frak those idiots who have mixed MMA and church services call it.
Funny, I found that unconditional love and utter contentment in the arms of my mate….
I did read the about page and thought that this was about searching for Truth not bashing other peoples beliefs…
Just sharing what I’ve learned from my own personal experience. Surprised at the attacks that I received back… you’re peace, love, happiness and contentment is overwhelming! : )
It’s *your*, not “you’re.” Your=possessive. You’re=contraction of you and are.
What hypocrisy – comes on this thread lying his ass off then complains when he’s attacked for it!
Mike, he’s only doing what just about every other godbotherer does when they roll in here: lie for Jebus.
Yeah – why do I even bother to get annoyed?
“thought that this was about searching for Truth not bashing other peoples beliefs”
Some time ago, people believed earth was flat -that’s actual history. Then, some of them began to think and proved earth was round. They were searching the truth (your keyboard changes to caps randomly, you may want to fix it) but they happened to bash other people beliefs.
“I was greatly surprised to find such bitter and judgmental comments here. ”
Great, another retard who can’t be bothered to read the About page.
“I have found that nothing else will satisfy the longings of my heart – for acceptance, belonging, love, and forgiveness…”
Too bad for you. I feel sorry for people who need to fantasize relationships with fictional characters.
“Go ahead and try to deny your sin, you know you’ve done things you regret that caused hurt to yourself and others”
Competent people can accept responsibility for their actions instead of allowing imaginary scapegoats take the blame.
“Pick up a Bible and start reading…”
I’m glad the characters in a book assuage the feelings of loneliness you have, but for the rest of us we’re satisfied to have relationships here in the real world. You might want to try it sometime when you crawl out of your shell.
BRILLIANT POE CARY! You have a nice future ahead of you.
Ummmm, Cary… Pick up the old testament, and get back to me. God wasn’t so lovey dovey then, was he (she/it)???
Hey LRA, how you girl? All the very best, warmest regards and well wishes, take care.
Actually, I’ve been studying the OT and have noticed that God is always trying to draw the Israelites back to Him… they just keep turning away from Him…
With god commanding people to rape and murder each other, it’s no wonder.
Not to mention when he goes “f-k this” and kills everyone.
And of course, every non-Israelite simply doesn’t matter. They’re just plot- and violence-fodders.
Yep, next time he does a world I would suggest to put a reset button on it
You want me to teach my children the morality of a god who drowns his?
“God is always trying to draw the Israelites back to Him… they just keep turning away from Him…”
“God” is an abusive douchebag. No wonder they keep turning away!
http://atheism.about.com/od/whatisgod/p/AbuserAbusive.htm
That’s… sad, really. I’m so sorry for you. I’m even sorrier that you could only find it in Jesus. Honestly.
Me, I found all that in my family and my life – acceptance came from within. I found out that if you accept who you are – warts and all – a lot of the angst simply falls apart. I’m not married, I have no boyfriend or lover, but I’m utterly content and in peace – with myself and the world.
I’m sorry. Honest.
It’s actually to my advantage to have found my contentment in Jesus – because, no matter my circumstances (loss of job or loved one, separation or divorce from spouse) my Hope is in Someone greater than all of it.
*shrugs* good for you, but frankly, I’ve no desire for “greater”. I’m content with who I am. And I’ll always be with myself…
If everyone thought like that humanity will still be living in trees.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish
Until he discovers that his neighbor has a fish. Then he will say that his god told him to smite the other poor fellow and take his fish.
I’ve lost jobs and loved ones. I then went out and found another job (usually better) and accepted the fact that everyone dies. You grieve, move on and relish in the memories of the loved ones.
No magical, imaginary friend needed.
A happy drunk is still a drunk
“I tried it for so long on my own…”
Have you tried it with toys? Because in my experience, a Rampant Rabbit will get you shouting with passion faster than the bible will.
I think you’re on to something. A sex toy that play bible verses and the occasional “who’s your jesus” can make millions.
“I tried it for so long on my own, looking for love and security from other people and things, only to find that I couldn’t find that deep satisfaction that I was looking so hard for.”
No wonder you are so easily brainwashed by religion. Seeking love and security from other people is not normal esp for a long timespan. You should seek professional help unless you are a parasite.
Whatever translation it is you’re using (Eugene Peterson?), it certainly takes liberties with the original text. I’d say it’s more paraphrase than translation.
Let see how this works.
Valentine Dae was a medieval custom of teens pairing up to enjoy each other for a few days.
SOOoooo…That means all these ‘jepus be my..’ are all about wanting to have SEX with him for a few days.
Of course xtians really think that another really cool pagan holiday is a xtian holiday, cuz they can’t really study history cuz it violates their belief system.
I love it when we get a real troll to feed on.
Truly truly terrible. Im glad I had a few beers before reading that stuff, to dull the pain.
To be honest, I’m just as bad. I gave my wife a card with Charles Darwin on the cover with the words
“I selected you, naturally!”
LOL. That reminds me of this Tim Minchin bit.
“Truly truly terrible. I’m glad I had a few beers before reading that stuff, to dull the pain”.
Unless of course, its true. True that there is God, that He is Love and light, that He knows all about you, created you, and that He loves you very much…still. A God and Father who can be trusted implicitly, known intimately, even indwells you. Yea, that kinda love would be just terrible eh?
Wake up from the adamic dream (orphaned nightmare), the lie that you’re believing and Christ will shine on you. God is too good to give you anything less than Himself. Love, that’s what its all about because that’s who He is.
http://www.OneFather.com
Okay, so where is this “god”, then? Why can’t I see him? Touch him? Hear him? Scientifically determine that he does, in fact, exist? Why… it’s almost as if he DOESN’T EXIST AT ALL!
Silly Kitty, he’s not found in the realm of the senses, is spirit. So how could you possibly know if you deny that aspect of your being even exists, that spirit realm in which He would be joined, would be One with you?
Purrrrfect Love “cats” out all fear, meow. lol (not sure you guys will even get that one, someone here will)
:)
If it isn’t in the realm of the senses, it doesn’t exist.
If I had my LOLCat bible handy, I’d give you the proper quote.
John C, youre right! Joseph Smith is truely the son of God! I will give myself up to him know that I know he flew on a flying donkey up to Allah to ask for the secret of Fire, which he carried back to earth where he made wings of wax and feathers. When Jesus parted the red sea and the burning bush was at the bottom with the 12 aphorisms carved upon the golden disks that were written in ancient Egyption but could only be read with the special goggles that were given to David Koresh by the Arch Angel Gabriel. Soon the mothership will come and I will don my blue jogging suit and Nike shoes and we can all be raptured up to be with Elohim and Zenu in eternal bliss. Thetan Free, thank his noodlyness.
Ramen.
That’s way too complicated Revy, its much simpler than that my friend. Actually, its so simple even a child, especially a child (at heart) can know it. But we’re all grown up eh?
Funny JohnC, I have a child right here and she can’t figure it out. I tried to explain to her what Jesus was. She scratched her head and said
“Kinda like how some kids believe in Santa?”
Out of the mouths of babes…
Yea, I can imagine your difficulty trying to explain someone that you’ve never met, or have a false, darkened image of to another, would be darn near…impossible.
All the best Revy, I appreciate you, the discussions.
Tee hee. Yes, I can imagine she’d have a much clearer understanding of Jesus if you were the one explaining him to her, John.
:-)
You’re right John, it is simple – until religion comes and screws it up.
It’s even simpler: There is no god, singular or plural. Voila!
I’m pretty sure a grown adult could believe in jesus and still find some of the stuff Daniel foisted upon us pretty terrible.
Did you know that Charles Darwin became a believer in Jesus Christ before he died?
I doubt it, but I’ll bite: so what?
Cary, that old canard has been long debunked. Darwins son said Lady Hope wasn’t even in the house, much less at his bed when he died.
Darwins conversion is just another lie in a long string of deceptions. More importantly, as Siberia pointed out, so what? Most people who understand and accept natural selection in the US are Christians. One of evolutions proponents is Ken Miller, a biologist who believes in the divinity of Christ.
Even if C. Darwin were a Mormon, it wouldn’t change the Theory. It stands on its own, regardless of who believes or disbelieves in it.
Evolution isn’t atheism, but they are compatible ideas. I think your’e trying to create whats called cognitive dissonance, where one idea conflicts with another, causing confusion in the person. Trying to paint Darwin as a theist won’t accomplish that, since most atheists won’t accept any ‘argument from authority’.
If you want to see cognitive dissonance in action, just try to explain how a god who is all loving, all knowing, and all powerful, will send the majority of the sentient life on Earth to be tortured forever in a lake of fire. Now THAT is cognitive dissonance!
Cary, did you know that the Earth is indeed flat and the solar system revolves around us? True story.
Roger, any good creationist will tell you that is only a theory!
Cary, did you know many bishops are gay?
Cary, you believe everything you’re told, don’t you? That hoax has been refuted thousands of times:
http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_cul4.htm
Well, he believes in an imaginary sky friend who incarnated himself into a human being (after impregnating a young woman!) so that the incarnation could get horribly tortured…as an appeasement to himself. If you can swallow that, it’s not much of a leap for him to believe some nonsense about Darwin becoming a deathbed Christian.
I often wonder why Christians have to lie and perpetuate lies all the time, when they claim to be offering the truth. Call them on their lies and they do the burning martyr bit. No philosophy that cares about the truth should have to deceive, but Christianity has been doing it flagrently since the 3rd century.
I am old enough to remember the Vietnam protest banner reading “Fighting for peace is like fucking for chastity”. Lying for Jesus is also like fucking for chastity. Shame on you Cary – good thing Hell is just a figment of the imagination, eh?
Cary
February 15, 2010 at 10:18 am
“Did you know that Charles Darwin became a believer in Jesus Christ before he died?”
Did you know that you’ve just repeated a lie, completely invented by a woman named Lady Hope? Darwin did NOT repent or convert on his death-bed. But don’t take my word for it, let’s hear what his daughter (who was there, after all) has to say on the subject:
Henrietta commented in 1922: “I was present at his deathbed. Lady Hope was not present during his last illness, or any illness. I believe he never even saw her, but in any case she had no influence over him in any department of thought or belief. He never recanted any of his scientific views, either then or earlier. We think the story of his conversion was fabricated in the U.S.A. . . . The whole story has no foundation whatever.”
Oh, but will “Cary” ever return to this site to read that? Methinks we have seen yet another drive-by Christian.
Yes, they do tend to run away in case they accidentaly learn something! Christians fear knowledge, I’ve noticed.
Roger February 16, 2010 at 6:21 am
Oh, but will “Cary” ever return to this site to read that? Methinks we have seen yet another drive-by Christian.
Yup… still reading the comments from all the happy people….
Still haven’t conceded that you were wrong, though.
Psh! Of course not! That’d be like saying he/she/it actually has a brain and can think for him/her/itself!
BTW Cary, since you’re still reading the comments, what have you to say about the refutation of your obviously imbecilic notion that Darwin gave his heart to the baby Jebus on his deathbed?
Ok – so I was misinformed about Darwin…
I appreciate the challenge to further research it!
I hope someday you find a real person to love and cherish instead of practicing on a fictional character.
“Misinformed” – such a cop-out way of avoiding saying “wrong”….
I accept misinformed.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s an admission she was simply repeating what she was told and had not gathered this information herself. Hopefully any further information she gains from her source will not be received so unquestioningly.
Funny, I went to one of these Tweeters about the Valentine Crap and saw THIS: Some Jesus boy he is!!! ” 3 feet, it was 3 feet and I couldn’t do anything i’m so upset…damn your lesbian for not allowing me to start shit!” People are pathetic.
hubby is my forever valentine……
he won’t claim it, but he still holds onto his fundy beliefs, although he never goes to church and doesn’t talk about it anymore……….he’s still in the “if I say it outloud, something might happen” phase, for which I totally understand
been there, done that, and still love him for trying to keep up with me
what about males, were they alone yesterday or was GOD their valentine ?
I just puked in my mouth (a little bit).
…hey, you were right! It did lower my IQ.
The way one of those tweets was phrased, I’m rather curious to see what kind of “awesome adventure” jesus has planned for me….I’m imagining something like whitewater ratfing that somehow ends up in Vegas where we go skydiving before hitting the Strip.
Fantasizing about relationships with fictional characters is how Spock and Kirk Slash Fiction was born.
Or at the very least Jesus/Judas and Jesus/Lucifer slash.
Yes.
So THAT’S why Jesus took that weird side trip down to Hell after the crucifixion!
Links, plz? I’m in the mood for some hot Bible-slash right now. Hell, I’ll even take David/Jonathan slash!
Ask and thou shalt receive:
Look, read, and despair…
And who knew, it DOES have David/Jonathan slash! Then again, that one’s a given.
Thank you!
There should be a report on CrossWire…
The crazy is strong with this one…
Ever noticed how well insanity and incessant quoting of judgemental Bible verses complement each other?
Yea poem made me puke. And yes, I’m a Christian and take well to criticism, but I was just wondering if anyone else had any thoughts about “Jesus being my valentine.” It’s interesting to say the least. I don’t like the idea at all, because of my understanding of Christ.