Jesus is returning to earth “soon” from his celestial hiding place, and when he does, he needs to be in top shape so he can kick your ass:
HEAVEN—Emerging from a grueling 90 minutes of cardiovascular exercise and light lifting for tone, Son of God Jesus Christ said Monday that He is “definitely on track” to achieve peak fitness condition for the Second Coming.
“If every eye is going to see Me, and all the tribes of earth are going to wail on account of Me, I think I owe it to them and to Myself to be in the best shape of My life,” Christ said. “Right now I’m up to 35 minutes at seven [miles per hour] on the treadmill and benching about 165 [pounds].”
“I’m really starting to feel like I’ll have the strength and endurance to move every mountain and island from its place,” Christ added. [...]
“The thought of being unable to seize the seven-headed serpent and hurl it into the abyss really keeps Me motivated,” Christ said.
The Lamb of God said He made the decision to get in shape late last year when, after two millennia of relative inactivity, He realized that at His age there was “no way” He could return to Earth, judge the souls of the innocent and wicked alike, and reign over the Kingdom of God for 1,000 years without prior conditioning.
“The Second Coming isn’t just Me sitting on a great white throne and judging away,” Christ said. “I also have to make all of the stars fall and shake all the powers in Heaven. That’s why I’ve been working a lot with the medicine ball.”
Brock Lesnar would still own him.
Fedor already owned his dad:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v233/kmeyers/fedor-god.gif
Brock Sampson would own him, as long as were talking about fictional characters. But really, if you’re going to go with MMA fighters, there are a few who could do the job.
That was truly hilarious! Especially the medicine ball at the end! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Waaahhhhhhahahahahahahahaha! Loved the Associated Press location “Heaven”.
This is the sublimely perfect extension of the old bumper sticker “Jesus is Coming, and boy is he (or even better, “she”) pissed!”
Very funny. I have to admit, he looks pretty good for a 2,000 year old man.
Holy botox.
Watch out for him! He will be in much better shape more than you can imagine!
He looks like one of the guys in that Zumba infomercial.