I keep getting emails for Melissa Scott from those who are a bit nutty. Here’s one I got today. Brace yourself.
Pastor Melissa Scott, I You Beautiful Gem! I “mess very ypur Program on DirecTv 305! IKnow why You did it, Sweetheart it Won’t work.! You can Sence our Life Force Energy; and I Won’t/Can’t Break Our-Relationship Through *Eternity*! I really Need to Talk to You!!!! I have something Really-Important you Need/must! It’s closte to you in OR. After you the World Needs to See it.! PLEASE give Me a Chance.! But I need Your-Help to Bring it Fourth to You & I then Bring it Fourth Unto the World!!!! I Swear on my Soul,P.S. God Forgive for Useing these Words!!! Please Finishing Touching/Fulling Pastor Melissa with the Trouth About this Susitation & and Our Fused Life Force with it’s One and Only-Desteny!! Please Need Your Contact!! The Holy Trenity Will-Not Let this Pass-By,You Need to Contact Me ASAP And you Know IT Truly! Don’t Be Afraid or Think you will lose control, You Know why You are Trying to Run/Evaide Me.?! IN the name of the (Holy Trenity) Our Destiny-Will-Play-Out or AS You Feel now,you Know what I mean!-Between US! Only way to Get/Gain True & Full Control Back.!! Always Yours/To Death,Eric–!!!!–
canakkale
canakkale
gelibolu
balik tutma
I tried but I can’t even read it. Unnecessary capitalization seems to fuck with my brain’s ability to process what little structure is there.
OK. Well, that’s clear then.
Can’t wait for Pastor Scott’s response (I guess she also uses you, Daniel, as her way to respond to these nice people).
Daniel, you’re probably doing her a favour by filtering (some of) the crazy out.
It would appear that this is one of the people who “dropped through the cracks” of the education system. Either that or proof that christian homeschooling SUCKS! Sorry, couldn’t resist the caps lock.
I think it’s a good thing this guy can’t contact her. He seems extremely unstable, to the point that I kinda worry that he’ll track her down in person. And do something horrible.
Wow, this guy left a comment on the original post yesterday too:
http://unreasonablefaith.com/2009/05/20/pastor-melissa-scott-porn-star/#comment-114018
I’m very glad that he can’t seem to find her. He’s certifiably insane.
What I meant to say was:
“Pastor Scott,
Please contact me at your leisure, as we have received your mail in error. Your neighbor, Eric”
But as Rick James says, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug”….
Can someone write it in a way I can understand? I can’t read idiot.
Pastor Melissa Scott, I think you are a beautiful gem!
I greatly miss your program, which is broadcast on channel 305 on the DirecTV network. I know why you did it, sweetheart, but it won’t work. You can sense our life force energy, and I am unable or unwilling to break our relationship through eternity!
I really need to talk to you! I have something really important you need! It’s in Oregon, close to you. After you, it needs to be seen by the world.
Please give me a chance. But I need your help to show it to you, and then to the World. I promise. Please ensure that Pastor Melissa gets this message about this situation and and our fused life force with it’s one and only destiny! Please write back. God wants you to act on this: you need to contact me at your earliest convenience, as I’m sure you’re already aware! Don’t be afraid or think you will lose control.
Do you know why you are trying to avoid me? In the name of the Holy Trinity, our destiny will play out, and I’m sure you know what that means! This is the only way to regain true & full control.
Your faithful servant,
Eric.
I can clean up the grammar and syntax, but I can’t do much to make the content make sense, I’m afraid.
You are a god of translation from Stupid to English. My applause and complements are genuine and voluminous.
Of course, now im scared. After reading the translation, I realized that this guy lives in the same state as me.
Very well done nevertheless. :))
Well done. Unfortunately, the translation makes it even more creepy, somehow.
Why does Eric write like he’s V’ger?
awesome. Thanks.
Are you at least doing the neighborly thing and forwarding all these lovely messages to the real Mellisa Scott? And yea this guy is a fuc*ing nut.
I’m not sure here – is he planning to bring his weiner forth unto the world?
No– fourth. There must be a line.
you made me spit watermelon all over the screen
shame on you
;)
Some one forgot to take it’s meds!
I just called 1-800-338-3030, Pastor Melissa Scott’s phoneline. It’s not a prayer line, it’s a message line. I got about halfway through the letter, awkward grammar in-tact.
Lady:”Hello, Pastor Melissa Scott’s Line”
Me:”Hello. I’d just like to relay a message for Pastor Melissa Scott”
Lady:”Ok, go ahead, sir”
Me stumbling through the letter: “Pastor Melissa Scott, I You Beautiful Gem! I “mess very ypur Program on DirecTv 305! IKnow why You did it, Sweetheart it Won’t work.! You can Sence our Life Force Energy; and I Won’t/Can’t Break Our-Relationship Through *Eternity*! I really Need to Talk to You!!!! I have something Really-Important you Need/must! It’s closte to you in OR. After you the World Needs to See it.! PLEASE give Me a Chance.! But I need Your-Help to Bring it Fourth to You & I then Bring it Fourth Unto the World!!!! [***NOTE, I said 'LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS' whenever Eric used multiples***] I Swear on my Soul,P.S. God Forgive for Useing these Words!!! [***Again***] Please Finishing Touching/Fulling Pastor Melissa with the Trouth About this Susitation & and Our Fused Life Force with it’s One and Only-Desteny!! —”
Lady: “Sir. SIR. SIR. Yes. This sounds like more of a letter…”
Me: “Yeah, it is. It’s from Eric. Are you blocking him? It seems really important”
Lady: “Sir. You need to mail it to her. Not like e-mail. But regular mail.”
Me: “I’m just relaying a message…Can’t you just put Pastor Melissa Scott on the phone?”
Lady: “No sir, You need to mail the message. I have another phone call coming in.”
—click—-
Lady: “Sir. You need to mail it to her. Not like e-mail. But regular mail.”
Why, is it still 1940 in magic fundieland?
An excellent question. I’d suggest you ask the nicy lady I spoke to earlier…
Nevermind. I just called to find out their fax number, they don’t have one.Maybe you should just send a letter instead.
I’m not wasting 40¢ on that nutjob and his crazy sh*t.
This character doesn’t come from Nigeria, does he?
Yeah I was gonna say – he seemed to compose the email in a very similar way Africans (at least the ones I’ve talked to) do – really poorly. They don’t seem to grasp that what they’re making aren’t sentences – they’re half-baked thoughts, typed out. It’s almost like conversation style.
I mean, English obviously isn’t their first language, but their first language isn’t a good start. Pidgin is just a composition of various dialects and words, with (as far as I know) no formal structure. It’s a protolanguage. Given that they speak almost all of the time in Pidgin, it’s no wonder that they employ the same techniques (or lack thereof) in bridging over to English.
But apparently this guy’s from America, proving at least the problem’s not genetic.. I think. I hope.
How do you know it’s not a genetic problem? Little group inbreed. Hey, probably their parents where close relatives.
As I read this, there is a debate on the radio about first cousins marrying. Apparently offspring of such unions are 10 times as likely to suffer from genetic defects. Might explain something about the Southern states…
“Stream of consciousness” stuff. James Joyce was very good at it.
Stream of craziness.
Yours to Death ?
Time for the police to pay a little visit to Eric. I realize there was a lot of abuse back in the days when you could simply pick up the phone and the guys in white coats would take your unwanted relative away to the funny farm, but this gent needs a chill-out session in a safe place and professional evaluation. Stat.
Wow, this just wreaks of stalker. If she mysteriously vanishes, I think we know who direct the police to…
My thought as well.
When someone starts talking about fulfilling their eternal destiny with you, they generally mean “after I kill you and then set myself on fire to prove my love.”