This is what happens when vampires are trendy for too long…
The book is 33 A.D., and according to Amazon it’s basically Jesus vs. the vampires:
Jerusalem, 33 A.D. The vampires of the era have long sought to gain a foothold into Israel, but the faith of the local Jewish population has held them in check for centuries.
When one of their own betrays them to follow a strange young rabbi from Galilee, the elders of the vampire race dispatch Theron, a nine hundred year old assassin, to kill them both.
The rabbi’s name is Jesus. Killing him should be easy.
Folks, we have to stop this kind of thing now, or else we’ll be dealing with books about zombie-slaying steampunk werewolf Jesus.
(via)
This explain a lot. Theron have turned jeboos into a vampire, that’s how he rose from the dead and that’s why drinking his blood can turn other people. Just think how much trouble would have been saved if Pilate have watched Buffy the vampire slayer and knew about the whole wooden stake through the heart stuff.
+ 1
Before reading it, I was pretty sure that Jesus was the vampire. “This is my blood wich I give to you” and then he had 12 vamp disciples.
Some of them are still alive. In fact, when Peter gets too old they simply choose another Pope, wich happens to be Peter in disguise again.
I meant reading the post, not the book
“Some of them are still alive. In fact, when Peter gets too old they simply choose another Pope, wich happens to be Peter in disguise again.”
This explains a lot…
I, for one, approve of zombie slaying steampunk werewolf Jesus. Much cooler than the original, that’s for sure.
I was thinking the same thing. It would probably become the new bible 1000 years from now.
it’s been rewritten before
It’s been rewritten before, why not vamps
Why the hell not, we haz LOLcat Biblol….
I giggled :-)
This is just too much… I have a few friends who are going to love their new Christmas gift. It is actually too bad he didn’t incorporate steam-punk.
but the story of jesus is already the greatest zombie story ever told!
$2.99 on the Kindle. Done! Can’t wait to read it when I get home tonight. And I am all for a steam-pink werewolf version. That would be worth a giggle.
Steampunk werewolf Jesus… that would be so worth it. Maybe throw in pirates and robots?
Someone HAS to write this. I will love you forever if you do.
Hey, Ty! You’re a writer, right? DOOOO EEEEEETTTTTT!
LOL!
Robots are implied by steampunk, so maybe sky pirates and wizards?
And ninjas to fight the sky pirates.
Oh my dear Loki, greatest book EVER.
I can’t wait. Coming soon to a theatre near you: “Alien versus Steam-punk vampire warewolf zombie Jesus versus Predator”. The next Christmas blockbuster.
I’m on Team Alien.
With no ninjas or pirates it’ll never sell.
The sequel will: “Alien versus Steam-punk vampire warewolf zombie Jesus versus Ninja Predator at World’s End on Friday the 13th”
Well I’m sure this has been done before but this post makes it impossible for me to pass up so forgive me if you heard any of this before or feel free to add to the list.
Similarities between vampires and Christians:
They both want you to become one of them
They both want you to drink the blood of their leader who rose from the dead
They both believe that this magic blood heal anything
They both adhere to a strict “Us and everybody else” social dichotomy even though “everybody else” is an incredibly large and diverse group
They both frequently overdress
They both seem to like overtly ornate and garish baroque like 17th century style interior decorating
They are both arrogant
They are both have hang ups about being persecuted
They both like to use florid language to attempt to explain supernatural concepts that don’t really make any sense
They both have an obsession with immortality
They both suck
and a stake through the heart will kill them
How ’bout:
They both think they’ve got everlasting life?
This seems like the most obvious comparison.
Well I kind of figured that would fall under the “obsession with immortality” bit.
Uh… was I the only one expecting something about young boys there?
They both like to suck on virgins?
If you reword it a bit and add a few pictures it would be great.
Their leaders are sometimes followed by virgins in white robes that frequently suck on them.
http://www.blogcdn.com/blog.moviefone.com/media/2009/11/hammerwomen.jpg
http://www.aodonline.org/aodonline-sqlimages/bishops/vigneron/090128/presskit/images/70_WithhBrothersAsAltarBoys.jpg
Well, we’ve had werewolves vs. vampires so why not zombies vs. vampires?
Buffy versus vampires?
Hell, I would so read this. I know what I’m asking for Christmas!
“zombie-slaying steampunk werewolf Jesus.” Hey, I’d read that!
I’m OK with this sort of thing, because it seems to me that the more Jesus is treated just like any other historical or legendary or imaginary character who can be put into various stories at will (like Robin Hood, or King Arthur, or Genghis Khan, or Bigfoot, or vampires, or werewolves…), rather than as a singular object of worship who is treated as if he were a currently existing person, the better. This sort of thing shows how the field is now level, and Jesus is no more of a “sacred cow” than any other religious figure.
Woah there Steve, don’t go lumping Genghis Khan into the same category as those other people. I do agree with your overall point and I assume your mention of Genghis Khan was a mistake or a Simpsons reference. Either way, Genghis Khan is the only person you mentioned that history can confirm existed. On a somewhat unrelated note, I do find it amusing that there is more historical evidence of some sort of King Arthur then a Jesus.
Yeah, the discovery of the nonexistence of Genghis Khan would certainly be a surprise . . .
Vampire-hunting Jesus has already been made. It’s called, oddly enough, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.
It’s pretty good too!
From IMDB:
“Combining kung-fu action with biblical prophecy and a liberal dose of humour, the film teams the Savior with Mexican wrestling hero El Santos against mythological horrors and science gone mad, and also manages to address contemporary sexual politics.”
How could this movie not have been good?
It was a Troma film. Don’t do drugs before watching any of their films — you don’t need them, and they’ll definitely give you a bad trip if you do.
I watched that one stoned, and it still didn’t make sense. I was just like, “what.” And it’s train-wreck bad, you canNOT look away.
It’s a great movie, but has nothing to do with Troma. It was a Canadian production.
I cannot believe that no one else has pointed this out yet, but this isn’t a new idea:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0311361/
(btw – in every single way, this is one of the worst films ever made)
I’m pretty sure that “Manos, Hands of Fate” was the worst movie ever made. But that one is a close second.
:P
“Plan 9 from Outer Space” must be the worst. It has zombies, aliens, scientists, incredible* special effects, and the star had been dead for two years before they even made the film.
* incredibly bad
Clearly you missed the point that it was an intentionally silly, low-budget movie made for people who like those type of movies. I think it’s a great movie, myself. Manos and Plan 9 do not belong in the same category. JCVH defies the MST3K treatment that the other two are so ripe for because you can’t really make fun of something that’s already making fun of itself. All you can do is laugh along.
So let me get this straight – The immortal vampires want to kill the son of God who, upon his ressurection following his death, will become an immortal zombie king.
It this going to be made into one of the Underworld movies with Kate Beckensale playing Mary?
Can’t wait.
Yes, but does Jesus sparkle?
He can change wine into sparkling water.
Champagne?
Probably Perrier. It’s the fancy-people’s water… or the Devine’s.
Thanks for ruining the plot of my new book A JEWISH STEAM-PUNK WEREWOLF IN BETHLEHEM.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. O.O’
OFF-TOPIC: Anyone is going to see the Hitchens-Dembsky debate? I would like to know how it went, even to read a summary if possible.
MikeTheInfidel live blogged the debate. Obviously biased towards Hitchens, but how can you not be when you listen to Dembsky?
http://miketheinfidel.blogspot.com/2010/11/live-blogging-hitchensdembski-debate.html
Also, the Prestonwood Christian Academy website claims that the video in its entirety should be available November 22nd.
Well, I have some issues with spoken english, so checking the website now, thanks!
Between this and Bristol Palin, I just throw my hands up in the air. Reality has left us all.
And here comes the depression…. [Evangelism and URL deleted - Custador</b]
If you wish to make a relevant comment on the discussion, please do – but do not post a random, unrelated comment as an excuse to post a link to your own blog, particularly not when that blog’s tag line is cultish at best: “A vivid manic break leads to a new theology: a post-religion faith that tosses aside doubt and darkness and dogma and exalts the ancient truth that we all know at birth. This is my walk into heaven on earth and what I brought back. It’s time; we are ready; we are on the verge of a much, much better world. This is the beginning.”
Now, if you want to talk about mental illness minus the spiritual bullshit, I’ll happily trade notes – but Daniel’s blog is not here for you to try to buff your own hit-count or evangelise your own personal theology.
Close the Bold tag?
Let me give it a try.
Better?
Hm, didn’t work. Just ignore me.
Zombies vs Vampires, always wanted to see that.
Vampires Vs. Zombies really IS the worst movie ever made. So bad it’s impossible to tell if it is parody or not, or just some really awful soft-porn.
Hey If Tim Burton can use Alice (a fictonal character and another book, then change her for his artistisc licnece), and If Disney do it all the time. Why can’t this arthor? I mean the film Jesus christ vampire slayer already exsists, and a besides a book about a cosmic soul eating zombie who wants you to eat him in a steam punk suit killing werewolfs would be awsome in a commic
I’m not sure we want to discourage. I could get behind a jesus that spouted off great one-liners right before he dispatched one of the undead. Suggestions, 1) “the meek shall inherit the earth, bitch!” 2) 2) “This is YOUR blood, which I shed for you!” 3) “Oh ye of little life!”
Suggestions?
For thsoe of you that HAVEN’T read this book, 33ad…The purpose was not to disengage Jesus Christ. Not everyone on this planet is a blind sheep following the “Lord Almighty” and yet many of those who don’t, choose to leave alone the subject of his existence or non-existence aside without prejudice. I have actually read the book 33ad. It’s baseline story has nothing to do with the 33 or so years that Jesus roamed and taught on the planet Earth. This is a story about vampires fearing they’ve been betrayed by one of their own in regards to keeping their continued secret. Not directly about debunking or disposing of Jesus Christ. Either way, read the book before criticizing it.
We’re not really criticizing. We’re actually pointing and laughing.
Are these vampires Matthew’s zombies?
this is absolutely going into the pot we pull from for my bookclub.