I’m trying to process Emily Matchar’s piece at Salon: Why I can’t stop reading Mormon housewife blogs.
I’m a young, feminist atheist who can’t bake a cupcake. Why am I addicted to the shiny, happy lives of these women?
The bottom line seems to be that some young women – and I guess it’s all only women – enjoy reading about the squeaky clean, 50′s sitcom lives that some Mormon housewives are living. It’s a break from their complicated professional and personal lives to read about women who accept a defined role in life and spend most of their days with kids games and handi-crafts.
It’s a fantasy, I guess, much like the romance novels some other women read. I don’t know too many women who really want to be abducted by Fabio in a pirate ship, but it’s tantalizing to read.
Matchar does realize that the reality doesn’t match the picture:
Of course, the larger question is, are these women’s lives really as sweet and simple as they appear? Blogs have always been a way to mediate and prettify your own life; you’d be a fool to compare your real self to someone else’s carefully arranged surface self. And Mormons are particularly famous for their “put on a happy face” attitude. The church teaches that the Gospel is the only authentic path to true happiness. So if you’re a faithful follower, you better be happy, right?
The phenomenon of the happier-than-thou Mormon housewife blogger is so well-recognized it’s even spawned a parody blog, Seriously So Blessed, whose fictional author brays things like “We have non-stop fun all the time and are LOVING married life!” and “Speaking of fall, I kind of sometimes want to start a non-profit to help moms who go all of fall without blogging pics of their kids in pumpkin patches, because it seriously breaks my heart!”
A hint as to what is required to keep up the facade comes from the LDS magazine Meridian, which ran a completely bowdlerized version of the Matchar article.
I don’t know if I’ve read ‘Mormon Mommy’ blogs specifically, but if I stumble across a mum blogging about crafting, cooking and sewing, I tend to stick around – and I enjoy it! I don’t entertain the idea that I’m attracted to that 50’s gender-role/activity stereotype because the secular world has confused gender roles (an idea I’ve heard before). I think it’s a little more complex – like you mentioned has to do with being a busy career woman, but I think it also has to do with the fantasy of ‘haven’ it creates. The idea of being a home-maker, making things from scratch and creating that safe haven can be a escape fantasy from the reality of 7 – 5 day jobs, convenience foods, and tiring competition. It’s more of a lifestyle fantasy than anything else.
I guess many of us do have stereotypical fantasies sometimes. I used to dream of kicking ass and being rude like The Rock even though in real life that would be deplorable behaviour. If I listen to some rap music and the rapper starts bragging about the girls he sleeps with, part of me is thinking “that is so awesome!”. Of course I don’t want to emulate that behaviour, but it is entertaining to fantasise about.
Looking at that picture, I’m reminded of the old joke:
Why do Mormons stop having kids when they reach forty?
Because forty-one kids are just too many.
lol :P
Hahaha!
I read said blogs of moms I know, but all the other ones I think are either a) shallow, or b) hiding the way life really is for them. No one’s that happy all the time; if there’s no posts about having a bad day or struggle of faith or trouble (even unspecified) with the husband, I know that the person is only showing what she wants other people to see. And if I wanted to see a show, I’d tune in to People magazine or US Weekly; those shows are at least interesting.
Blogging honestly about real life (which I do – I’m an atheist/husband/and primary caregiver of my kids) is hard and requires a certain amount of… honesty, let’s say. When you’re part of any hardcore religion there is societal pressure to “turn that frown upside down”.
Read them? I’ve never even heard of them. I certainly went through a phase when my biological alarm clock went off, and after I had my baby I kept a classic suburban house and joined a Mom’s club for a while. However, I didn’t meet any other women who shared my interests. When I want to go old school I take my kid to a Society for Creative Anachronism event.
Society for Creative Anachronism xD win.
I don’t know if I’d enjoy that. The idea of living in some idealized 50s sitcom terrifies me to no end – probably because I never imagined myself as a mother and wife, much less as someone who takes pleasure in being a housewife. Scary.
(Scary for me, that is. If it’s for you, then knock your socks off.)
No, not all women.
I have absolutely no desire to read anything like that.
Sorry, that should have been clearer. I meant that the only atheists I found who read these blogs seem to be female, not that all atheist women read these blogs.
No worries. It didn’t bother me or anything. Just didn’t want anyone to think, well exactly what you said wasn’t clear, lol.
I think far too much thought is being put into this.
People read/follow things that are interesting. I think its interesting to watch women have sex with 5 guys at once, but that doesn’t mean I have any interest in being one of those guys or the girl. People watch horror films but I am pretty sure none of them want to be hacked into pieces buy a ghost.
What people find interesting and how people want to live their lives are not necessarily related. We like reading about mormon house wives for the same reason we like watching Tosh.0, its entertaining.
Horror film, that’s what it is!!!
Huh. I’ve never gotten into reading any Mormon mommy blogs, but I do have a fascination with autobiographies from ex-fundamentalists – their escape tales can be pretty harrowing. Then again, I went to college with a good number of Mormons, and found their “everything is perfect all the time Book of Mormon forever yay” attitudes kind of sickening, so I don’t really have any desire to seek out more of that. I can’t help but wonder if that’s in part inspired by some jealousy, though – they really were just so freaking good at acting happy all the time, and that’s…really not a skill of mine.
Okay, I just scanned the four blogs mentioned, and…yech. If keeping up with stuff like that means having to read gems such as, “Mr. Nielson showed the children how to make a straw longer by piecing two of them together. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!” and “But then after I woke up grumpy…. I changed my heart because I saw Oliver’s clever little army men hiding in the grapefruit on my dining room table”, written in pseudo-free-verse poetry form, then please, just shoot me.
Also, the photography. Seriously, the photography.
[LMNOP: Yeah, stuck in the spam folder. No idea why.]
My other comment, it is disappeared. :(
Maybe something weird is going on with the site… it won’t let me log on to the forum…
DAAAAANIEL!!!!!
Hmm, it let me log in. Maybe my comment got caught in the filter? It was pretty irate, but I didn’t swear or anything. Dunno.
I log on and then it’s like I just didn’t log on. Then when I try to log on again, nothing happens. It doesn’t tell me wrong password or anything!
Daniel!
I tried to reset my password and I clicked on the link the email sent me and it said “Key not found”.
I’ve been lost!
And the last thing I’ll ever be able to say on the forum ever again is that I can talk like Cartman… great.
That picture reminds me of this:
http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b262/someguyinmo/VaginaClownCar.jpg
They look like those women that got arrested at the Texas compound. Scary.
That photo made me realize why the Mormon religion is growing so fast: the simple exponential rate of sexual reproduction! When’s the last time you heard of someone converting as an adult to the Mormon religion? (And even more so, still being in the church 10 years later?)
I have mixed feelings about this. I blog because it is a healthy outlet for myself and I try not to be negative on my blog because the *purpose* of the blog is to collect things that make me laugh or that fascinate me… of course I admitted early on in the (three month old, I admit) blog that I suffer from depression, so that’s pretty real. Anyhow, there is some power in positivity.
On the other hand, there’s a difference between positivity and denial of reality.
ps Donnie and Marie are Mormons. That should tell ya something.
I’ve been considering picking blogging back up, but I’m worried that it would get too ~serious~ or not be serious enough or that I’d post too irregularly or give up or something. I don’t even know. I should probably just go do it and stop overthinking the whole thing.
Just do it! :D
LRA, since I struggled with depression myself, do you think it relates to godlessness?
Sometimes I do wonder if I’d be happier if I was more gullible, if I wasn’t so bent on finding all the instances where I deceive myself, if I was religious.
I don’t think I would be able to honestly give myself to faith, but sometimes I do wonder if it would have made my life happier.
No, I think it’s a genetic predisposition combined with environmental stressors. I was diagnosed at 19, long before I gave up God.
Having lived with it since then, I can tell when one is coming on (anxiety usually prefaces an episode), so I take care of it then. Doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days every now and then.
:(
So do you usually find that it’s cyclical, and you can tell when you’re going to deviate from the norm? I was diagnosed with bipolar II and social anxiety, but my cycles tend to be pretty long and spread apart, so it can take me a while to realize when I’m in a downswing.
Well, I’m worse in winter and on rainy/cloud covered days (more than two days of cloud cover make me want to pull my hair out!)… so I’m extra careful then! But a severe depression usually comes after some very stressful event if I’m not careful. Once I’m in anxiety mode, I get to a doctor to deal with it.
I had my good deal.
Travelling, making experiences and pushing my limits helped me a lot.
Also meditation, it allows me not to take myself seriously when it happens.
I am more and more convinced that it’s just physiological, it just happens and the best I can do is learn not to take myself and my thoughts too seriously, waiting for it to pass away.
This is pretty much how I deal with it.
The meds help a ton but you just gotta change your frame of mind also. At least if you want it to really get better.
I don’t think I suffer from depression b/c of anything to do with religion but it was a problem for longer than it needed to be when I was growing up b/c of religion. My father refused to do anything about it since “God will fix it.”
Exactly, y’all! Cognitive behavioral therapy has been my friend!
:D
Just a heads up – I think this topic is really worth talking about and this conversation made me curious, so I just started a forum thread on it.
I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering from depression and hope that you find a way to deal with it. May the sun shine for you long enough each day to prevent you from hurting again.
All the best.
JK
Giving up responsibility does feel good, to women and men alike.
It is addictive.
An interesting — and not unrelated — fact is that Utah has the highest per-capita anti-depressant use in the America. Prescription drug abuse is also a huge problem, here. It’s the Stepford Wives out here.
Bahahahaha.
My mother was literally June Cleaver (without the pearls). She immortalized the 50′s nuclear family. She wore a pressed dress everyday. She had dinner on the table every night and a cocktail in hand for my dad when he walked through the door. The house was spotless, our manners were adhered too and she kept everything in perfect order.
She was also secretly miserable and I found out later in life that she had had a least 2 affairs.
Okay, I’ve mentioned this before, but for the sake of recap: I was raised LDS, married a convert (he was baptized at 15), and was sealed in the temple one year later.
For an LDS female, I married late (gasp! 21!). My husband, conversely, married early (19? No mission?). It sounds tame, but we got a lot of flack for that. One problem I’d always struggled with was my testimony — or lack thereof. Eventually, I stopped struggling with it and just naively assumed that when I became a Mormon Mom, I would naturally segue into that happy-go-lucky TBM mom/ housewife role. After all, it was “natural,” right?
I got pregnant immediately. As in, exactly 1 month after marriage. We had no time as a couple. I remember those first few years, how much Sunday Sacrament meetings and the Wednesday Enrichment gatherings (a relief society thing) irritated me. On Sundays, when my husband was working his scheduled hours to, y’know, pay the bills, I would get members coming up and tutting at me. “Oh, your husband isn’t here? I’m so sorry he couldn’t make it. I’m sure he’ll try harder next Sunday, right? It must be so difficult to take care of a baby all by yourself!” They acted like I was all alone in the world and it was shameful. It really grated.
But it got worse — Enrichment meetings are basically a one-up fest. It starts with one mom smiling and sharing a cute story about her kids or husband: “Little Billy did the cutest thing the other night! I was coughing, and he prayed I would feel better soon!”
“Oh,” says the next mom. “That IS sweet! You wouldn’t believe what my daughter Nellie did — I had a headache, and she asked her daddy where the headache medicine was so she could help mommy feel better. Then she poured me an orange juice!”
“Oh,” says the next mom. “What wonderful families you ladies have! My kids don’t do anything like that — of course, they don’t have a chance. Bob (the husband) takes over dinner and all parenting moment he suspects I’m getting sick — he insists if I’m not happy, they can’t be happy.”
“Oh,” says the next mom, “It sounds like everyone’s been coming down with that flu travelling around or something — you’re all getting sick an awful lot! Of course, I can’t even get stressed enough to get sick. Dan (husband) takes care of all the difficult chores AND fixes dinner AND gives me an hour to myself, no kids, every night. And changes all the diapers. Without nagging. Ever.”
I swear, sometimes I expected one of the moms to come out with, “I live in a spa and have 4 servants devoted to my every need — I call them husband and three kids! How’s your life? Oh, it sucks? I guess you aren’t praying enough.”
My wife has read many of those blogs while doing research for her Prop8 database. She’s told me about some of them (usually the stranger ones) and I’ve looked at a few myself out of morbid curiosity. There’s a bizarre Stepford Wife quality about them. It’s essentially another branch of the LDSinc advertising campaign. Their husbands, kids, homes, etc are all so Super Perfect. Life couldn’t be grander! But look beyond the facade and they have the highest rate of antidepressant consumption (and the state also boasts the highest Internet porn consumption in the country). Something’s fishy in the state of Utah.
Salt Lake City has the highest per capita consumption of Prozac in the world. Maybe these Mormon mommy blogs are an under-reported side-effect. I wonder if this has any connection to the high rate of consumption of on-line porn in that part of the world.
Why do some female atheists read these blogs? My guess is that some women want that proverbial bliss that comes from ignorance.
I read the article when it was published and have to say I giggled a little. I am LDS. I also have a degree in Fire Science, am a tree hugging democrat who voted Obama, and Blog about living with Bipolar disorder, and another for spouses/partners of cancer victims. I am authentic and at times flat ugly in my posts. Life for me is’t always perfect and I want to reflect that. My blog and my life are nothing like what this women describes. However my blogs are private and I know that the people reading them are there for the same reason I am. The people I attend church with have blogs as well that they post cute picks of their kids & crafts etc. However keep in mind that their mother in laws read these. They’re not going to post anything that would upset them or otherwise judgemental people. Maybe it’s just where I live, but I feel like the ladies I go to church with are pretty candid…”Sis. So&so has been sober 9 months 3 weeks and 2 days” “and My daughter is due for her 2nd baby at age 17, how can we as a releif society support her”. My point is that we are real people with real issues like everyone else. If you choose to take your opinion from a handful of blogs I would ask you to look deeper.
I think, of course, that we salute your honesty, and not pretending that life as a LDS is the perfect picture that some of these other blogs portray.
It remains, however, that we find it hard to believe that intelligent people like yourself choose to base your life around a religion whose foundation is a patchwork of fairy-tales made up by a man with severe psychological disturbances. Most of find that conventional christianity is similarly unworthy of rational belief.
I understand that particularly on a site like this there are many who find my faith, as well as that of more mainstream christians, unbelievable. I will not waste my time and yours trying to convince you. You have found what works for you as I have found what works for me. What I can say is that I have tried life without faith and found it lacking. I think that there are those built for faith and those who built for “reason”. I am obviously the former. You should also be aware that LDS folks in America are the highest educated of any christian group. I found this site quite by accident. The author of the parady blog in this article, “seriously, so blessed”, has decided to stop blogging and I was trying to find out why as it was pretty much the only blog I read on a regular basis. I liked this site because no one here seemed to be openly antagonistic. Maybe I’m reading your posts for the same reason others read the mormon mommy blogs: it’s interesting to see what the otherside of the fence looks like.
It’s all good, Kelly. Some of us spent decades (myself as a missionary) in what we believe to be intellectually and emotionally abusive religious systems, so you must forgive us when we try to “help” others still inside of similar faith systems (which I *do* consider mormonism to be one), to see that one can have a fulfilling life outside of those systems. I won’t (and don’t) go on to religious websites and do any debating, but if religious people come here to this website I feel complete freedom to try to do some “enlightening”, though still in a respectful way, if they choose to leave comments.
I am all about dialogue, not debate. As a former mormon you should read the “Seriously, So Blessed” blog. It is fall down funny, especially when talking about her frumpy sister in law Ruth and her brother & his ‘roomate’ who attend art school in NYC. I’m so sad she’s decided to stop blogging. It was the best parady of the bubble I’ve ever read.
I’m an LDS Mom, I blog and it’s not all squeaky clean. This article is narrow minded. Just because a women talks about how her life is blessed and chooses not to post the negatives doesn’t mean their on Prozac. Not all Mormons live in Utah. I’m African American and I live in Atlanta, I’m a Democrat and I voted for Obama. I heard about this article and googled it.
Everyone has “haters” so why not the mormon housewives…You’re free to be an atheist right? Let people worship what they want even if it’s nothing….
Remember Momathome, you came to OUR website, not the other way ’round. You’re free to believe what you believe. Are we stopping you? Look up above at the name of this website: UNREASONABLE FAITH. Does it not make sense that we find a lack of reason and rationality at the core of most religious beliefs? Golden tablets, magic spectacles, millions of ancient Hebrews living in North America, magic underwear: we think we respect these beliefs? Not likely. Sorry if you’re offended, but if you are a Mormon, you really ought to develop a thicker skin! (And the same applies to traditional christians as well.)
What is at the core of mine and Momathomes comments are not an attempt to convert you, or a discussion of faith on any level. It’s that stereotypes are convenient. Mormons come in all shapes, sizes, proffessions, political views, races, & backgrounds. My mother is a was a bra burning femenist in her youth and now respected psychologist. I know that some find this hard to believe, primarily because it does not fit the stereotype of uneducated-baby-machine.
I had no such preconceptions, personally – but the giant chip on your shoulder about it is very revealing of what you think about everybody else. That said, whatever shape or size a Mormon comes in, if they know the first thing about the history of their own church and its founder, they’re chosing to abandon their capacity for critical thinking by still believing the lie. And let’s be honest, it’s not even a subtle lie. It’s a whopper.
My comments are based on my life expereince. For example, comments from co-workers such as ” You’re mormon? I didn’t know they let their women work”, or “You only have three kids? I thought there was a 5 kids minimum in your church.” It does get a little old.
We understand you feel misunderstood as a Mormon. Yawn.
Just to change the subject, don’t you want to address Custador’s comment: “… still believing the lie. And let’s be honest, it’s not even a subtle lie. It’s a whopper.”
I would be fascinated to know how you respond to that. Don’t you want to defend your founder J.S. and his magical stories? If the veracity of his stories and version of N. American history don’t matter, then I guess you’re into Mormonism because of the emotional comfort and community it gives you, right?
Mormons are like Scientologists to me… completely incomprehensible how anybody could buy into something so clearly ridiculous. As they said on Southpark, “Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!”
But, hey! I guess the old religions are pretty ridiculous as well.
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/104253/joseph-smith-part-1
And there you go!
The South Park history of my faith while funny, is a little old, and to quote Thinice, “Yawn”. The very name and nature of this site would preclude me from any discussion on faith. Like I said before, I am not here to debate or even defend religion. As I said in my first post: I would ask you to dig a little deeper. I don’t feel misunderstood, just stereotyped. Just like not all atheist fit one mold, neither do mormon mothers regardless of what a few popluar blogs depict.
But, your beliefs were formed quite recently and are subject to recent analyses… to say that a person found Golden Plates 200 years ago that went missing is really rather silly. These kind of artifacts are reasonably preservable… after all, we still have an original copy of the US Constitution that is over 300 years old… but the most important evidence to establish the veracity of your faith magically went missing??? I’m sorry, but that’s stupid. If you believe the lies you’ve been told given the ease of evidence for your situation compared to the old religions establishing their cases, then, well, that’s stupid. Sorry, but I call a spade a spade, and I don’t feel bad about it.
The Constitution is over 300 years old!
Have I been sleep-time-traveling again?
It was adopted in 1787… d’oh! 223 years… I was thinking 1700′s to 2000′s that’s where the number came from.
Even so, the Constitution pre-dates the rise of Mormonism in the mid-1800′s, so my point stands.
(LRA, an aside to you: I love your comments over on Jesusneedsnewpr.net! Great analysis and clearly stated, even Larry seems to be impressed! I am now an official fan of LRA…)
LOL! I think I’ve become the resident DA, PPA* over at JNNPR.
*(Devil’s advocate, professional pain in the a$$)
:D
: I would ask you to dig a little deeper.
Dig deeper into what?
The wacko religious beliefs of the LDS, it’s turtles all the way down.
You’ve examined the faith and found our origin to be dubious and the events surroundingit improbable . Who expects you to feel bad about that? The original article appeard to be taken from a tiny crosssection of women. This somewhat skewed view has peppered many interaction in my adult life. As long as you treat peope fairly and don’t assume your stay at home mom neighbor is some sort of prozac-addicted-baby-makin’-fembot, based only on your knowledge that she’s Mormon, then I’ve got no complaint with you.
Fixed that for you. You’re not giving us any reasons to revise our opinions.
@ Sunny Day- Dig a little deeper into the person’s character. My point has always been that we are not a homogeneous people.
OK, folks, Kelly is definitely not taking the bait! She will not give us any reason at all why she believes the tenants of Mormonism to be true. All she does is tell us that all Mormons are different and no two are alike, similar to snowflakes. Is she unable to defend those tenants? Or unwilling? We will never know. (I think if I met Kelly, I would like her very much as a person, like friends I know who refuse to get into arguments, because they just don’t like to be confrontational.)
Dang, I really meant tenets, not tenants. Pardon my blunder!
Your blunder is pardoned. I have no problem with confrontation, infact have proudly earned the title ‘cast iron bitch’ in my office. I foolishly thought this was a discussion on the article posted on a website of rational, reasonable people. I asked that perhapse we should get to know someone and treat them according to their character. Regardless if that character was influenced from a christian/agnostic/athiest/etc foundation. Instead of a discussion, I find baited comments. The bait is so old and overused that I fail to rise to it as I am repelled from the stench of unoriginality. So I say farwell as there is no enriching conversation to be had here.
You mean “I find questions which I cannot answer and which challenge me to apply my rational mind to my own faith”, I think. We understand, it’s fine.
Perhaps Kelly will return when she finds the golden plates?
Yes, yes, you came here to dispel the stereotype that religion consists of Stepford Wives. We get that, bravo. You are all individual snowflakes.
But, we are talking about your character. You seem to believe the most implausible faerie tales. Stories that can be invalidated by examining the history and claims of your own religion. Yet you ignore it and complain about how much we’re baiting you. You’re here for, “Dialog, not Debate”. I’m sorry if we cut off your attempt to start a dialog. What do you want to talk about?
Being obnoxious, childish, self-centered and prone to temper tantrums is nothing to be proud of. Even Heartless Bitches call people like you by the monicker “Stupid Bitches”. It is reserved for, well, stupid people who lack the mental acuity to discern the difference between strong and assertive with respect for boundaries, versus self-centered, boundary-challenged arrogant ones.
Wrong again!
But do say farewell – and actually keep your word this time.