I received this email forward from a family member today. FML.
When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache….. When you open it, he collapses….. When he sees you reading it, he faints….. When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees…. And when you are about to forward this message…. he will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?
My family member said, “So I fixed the devil and downloaded the Bible on my cell phone.”
Sigh.
I’d respond with,”SRSLY? OMG, ROFLMAO.” But that depends on if these are family members you might not like. Close family members? I’d just ask them to not forward me emails of such dubious quality.
This would be the same Satan that is recorded as quoting the Bible, right?
I have a bible verse tattooed on my arm, so I guess I’m safe!
Now *I* have a headache. :)
Chain letters are superstitions and I thought categorized under witchcraft. The rest of us know chain letters to be completely Satan’s doing, not Satan’s undoing, at least in the secular vernacular – a total nuisance to everyone and fooling people into passing them along for any reason is stupid and annoying.
People can apparently make a chain letter about anything and people will be too scared not to do the thing it says to do. OMG, Satan cares if I don’t send this then he has won! I have no choice but to annoy everyone in my contact list or I’ll go to hell. Let me put the burden on them so I can sleep well and having defeated Satan!
I HATE THESE PEOPLE SO MUCH.
I always thought the internet was the tool of the devil to begin with?
You need some cheering up. Luckily, I’ve received an email telling me that Bill Gates is handing out money to the email recipients. I’ll forward it to you so you may share my luck.
I asked Jesus for $4000 last week and he fell through. At least Bill Gates is real so what have I got to lose!
You know he’s good for it.
I’d reply simply “every time you verbally masturbate, god kills a kitten”.
Didn’t know Satan is such a wimp. Someone reads from the Bible and he faints? Why do fundies feel so threatened by him, then? Just arrange a round-the-clock Bible meeting, and Satan will be in a permanent coma.
A fictitious creature gets a headache because someone is carrying a badly written novel about another fictitious creature. Ya makes since to me!
In fairness, I pass out when I see a Christian actually READING the Bible, too.
I get this stuff a lot, not just via email. My girlfriend’s family is ultra-religious. She had been estranged from her father for a long time. When they reconnected he had to do about two years worth of mental gymnastics to justify that we weren’t married, lived together, and she had three kids. He loves me now, but he willfully ignores the fact that I’m one of those goddamn atheists.
Oh, and Satan made my toilet leak and put a pen in the dryer one year at xmas. I was really angry when it happened, but that pronouncement made me laugh my balls off. I did have them reattached.
Chain: When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache…..
Miss Capri: And how would YOU know? Are you speaking from experience? What I’m really asking is, are you the devil? He’s the one who gets hoaxers starting chain letters designed to dupe and mock Christians, you know.
Chain: When you open it, he collapses…..
Miss Capri: My question above, stands. So unless you are the devil, don’t use this silly schlock just to get Christians passing on your chain.
Chain: When he sees you reading it, he faints…..
Miss Capri: So then, explain why he’s so active as to get people committing torture somewhere else in the world at the very second I read the Bible… I’m pretty sure he doesn’t faint and absolutely all bad things, zamity-blam – come to a screeching halt the second I read something in the Bible, and only for as long as I read it. See how ridiculous your chain letter is?
Chain: When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees….
Miss Capri: Um, you know why that might be? Unlike YOU, o’ mighty chain originator, I don’t make time for the devil! Anyway, you’re basically telling me Satan is able to get up and run when I am merely living according to what I read and understand of the Bible, but he is rendered unconscious by my merely reading words on a page or computer screen? This translates to: The devil is stopped cold when you read something he has even quoted and twisted himself, trying to tempt Jesus, but your living right really doesn’t have much impact, wow, good going!
Chain: And when you are about to forward this message…. he will try and discourage you..
Miss Capri: LIAR! If anything, Satan starts these chain letters, and so many Christians just let themselves get manipulated by these stupid pieces of junk! If anything, Satan would encourage you to forward this stupid chain and annoy a bunch of people and make yourself look like a sucker for anything that has the words “Bible” “Satan” “God” etc. in it, no matter how completely wrong it actually is! You’re definitely not going to wallop the devil with this chain letter.
Chain: I just defeated him!!!
Miss Capri: Oh, never forget to put in lots of exclamation marks! Anyway, I can’t decide at this point if you are a liar, or terminally stupid or flat out delusional! You just got paned by the devil, and if you had actually defeated him, everything bad going on in the world would stop and the devil would be destroyed!
But that has not happened.
Only God can defeat Satan, not you, and certainly not this devil chain letter!
Chain: Any other takers?
Miss Capri: No, but you just run up against a heck of a smasher, and a Christian at that! I will not pass this swilll on to anyone else, and I don’t make time for the devil. I have to take the time trying to set the record straight on my little corner out here in the vast world of cyberspace. I’m taking the time to show that chain letters do not come from God, do not defeat the devil, and there is at least one Christian out there who won’t be played.
One more thing. If the devil gets so weak in the knees at the very idea of me reading the Bible, how is it that he does the hell thing? You know hell is defined in the Bible as a lake of fire, now whatever sort of fire that is, probably depends on each individual, we all have our own different ideas of what hell is. But, whatever it is, you make no sense when you claim the devil suffers so badly just by me reading a book when he not only goes around causing suffering, but inhabits a place where that is all that goes on, and badly. Which is more painful? Watching me live right, watching me read a scripture, or bumming around in a lake of fire?
Think about that, chain-freak.
And I’ll kill something the next time I come across the “killed a kitten/puppy’ thing. Kill that saying already. Sheesh! And to anyone who says the devil and God are fictitious, so you wear your atheism on your fleeve, your type of fundie is as annoying as those who call themselves Christian but really aren’t and I don’t want anything to do with you…
So…you do know what site you’re on, right?
I could say more, but I’m thinking it would probably be a waste of time.
Oh excellent, not believing that god(s)/the devil exists now makes me fundie. What a strange little world you inhabit Capri.
p.s. Is a fleeve a type of hat?
Must be a typo. It should probably say “fleece”. Could be a fleece hat, I suppose.
Fleece does go very well with sheep.
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The bible gives me a headache.
Does that mean I’m Satan?
What if the Bible just makes me queasy? What am I then? Is there some chart I can refer too?
I just shoved the bible up my ass.
What now Satan?
please repost