That’s one way to solve it, I guess:

JERUSALEM—In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling “a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions,” the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East Tuesday, making good on last week’s threat to wipe the region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the bloodshed between Arabs and Jews.

“The Lord thy God has warned you and warned you, but you have, in your hatred and selfishness, chosen to turn away from Him,” read a press statement from God, delivered by seraphim and cherubim acting as His earthly agents. “Prepare now to face His wrath and be drowned beneath the cleansing waters of His righteous rage. Children of Israel and Palestine, you who would not repent your sinful ways and live together as God’s children, prepare to face your doom under the unstoppable deluge of the Lord’s retribution.”

The few remaining survivors, most of whom cling to pieces of driftwood, have made desperate pleas for mercy, but their cries have fallen on deaf ears in Heaven, with the Lord refusing to stem the raging waters.

Though regretful over the severity of God’s punishment, Mideast peace negotiators nonetheless praised Him for coming up with the first-ever viable solution to the ongoing crisis.

“Yahweh, or Allah, depending on what name you choose to call Him, has finally brought to bear upon this place a direct route to peace,” said former president Jimmy Carter, who in 1978 brokered the Camp David Accords, one of the region’s many short-lived peace agreements. “Lord knows that I and many others before and since Camp David have done our best to find a way for these two peoples to stop the killing and hatred, to no avail. But God, in His infinite wisdom, realized that it just isn’t worth it anymore, and that the best thing to do is cut His losses, drown the whole lot of them, and start fresh once the raging waters subside.”

Speaking on behalf of the Lord, an unnamed, non-denominational representative of Heaven said: “God only promised humanity that He would never again flood the entire Earth. He never said He wouldn’t flood specific areas.”

The most recent, clearest sign of the Second Deluge came last Thursday, when a tersely worded press statement from God’s angelic hosts ominously stated, “If there are any species native to the area that you would prefer not to see go extinct, we strongly suggest you begin gathering them two by two.”