I am an adult butt wipe evangelist…they are from Jesus. After the lack of response from my latest “Theology From The Crapper” tweet, pontificating the proof that Jesus stills preforms miracles, I realized that the majority of the world must not understand the power of the adult butt wipe. So, being the adult butt wipe evangelist that I am, I have provided the top seven (because that is Jesus’ favorite number) miracles that can be preformed by using adult butt wipes!
1) They help with “spots” that normal toilet tissue can’t seem to reach.
2) They smell great…well they smell better than a wretched asshole.
3) They can clean other things than just your chocolate starfish…can we say, “butt wipe bath?”
4) If you buy a portable pack (yes these God sends come in portable packs), you can use them in public bathrooms to wipe off a the toilet seat that has probably just been abused by someone who ate at KFC earlier in the day.
5) You can also use adult butt wipes to help do a quick clean of your personal bathroom if you don’t have time to clean it properly…your unexpected guests will never know and they will think your bathroom has been blessed by the ass sweat of a seraph.
6) If you suffer from what is known as hemorrhoids, then adult butt wipes will become your Balm of Gilead and your ass will sing praises to the One on high!
7) Everyone sharts from time to time, and if you are an adult butt wipe user you have a clear advantage over the other sharters, who either can run in shame, or subject their surroundings with lovely wafts of shit that is leaking out of their backside. An adult butt wipe user can handle the situation of sharting quickly and discreetly when the time comes with out succumbing to the social pitfalls that sharting causes.