Some days I want to throw in the towel. My body hurts so bad at times that even my eyelashes cry out for relief. I become so exhausted that even falling to sleep takes up too much energy for me to drum up. No matter what I say, do, or experience, it is a chore to merely exist… My fingers are aching in agony as I type this. Yet I still type.
This is not an existential exercise for me to pander my fatalistic philosophy; this is simply where I am at the moment. Raw, hurting, and feeling that whatever I bring to the table is still not good enough. The way I write, love, minister, worship, offer my time, lead and not lead, is still not good enough for anyone or anything.
I don’t buy into the theology that we are made pieces of shit by a Creator who didn’t hug us enough after we were spanked. I honestly believe (as I have stated many times before) that being made in the image of our Creator, He/She made us not only a good creation, but a really good creation. My amazing wife reminds me of this, even when I struggle to believe it myself. Yet, in this moment I feel ground-up with nothing else to give. No matter what I have offer, it still seems not good enough.
“You have fight the demons” is what I was recently told by a dear friend who has chosen to meet me where I am in life in this particularly dark part of my journey. I have to admit I am losing that battle right now and I have nothing else to give… Lord Jesus Christ Son Of God, Have Mercy on me.