Do I Really Want Enlightenment?

I was reading an article in Hinduism Today about Varanasi, which is  a place where people say if you die there you gain liberation from the cycle of death and rebirth. They spoke to someone there who is a worker at a hospice care center there and she said that she sees many people come to Varanasi to die but most still have attachments and will be reborn. Very few are really ready for liberation.

No surprise, since enlightenment is not easy for a soul to attain. It takes hundreds, possibly thousands, of lifetimes. It’s a long journey.

We like to think that we are close to enlightenment, following this path of Hinduism, choosing Sanatana Dharma, dedicating our lives to the pursuit of liberation.

I put a lot of dedication and energy into progressing my soul towards enlightenment, particularly as a child and teenager. I knew that my soul had made a promise to use the precious human lifetime to get back to the source, to the Truth. And I take promises very seriously.

Yet I didn’t become a nun or a sanyasin or go to live on an ashram. I continued to pursue the householder’s life, confident that it wouldn’t hold me back.

At this stage in my life, in my mid thirties, I like the life that I have. I like the house and the food and the husband and the trying to have children. There’s a lot in this world to enjoy. I have desires and while I sometimes feel like a slave to them, most often I am happy and content. There’s not a lot of motivation for me to move beyond what this world has to offer.

I can’t know yet but I wonder if that will change when I am older. When I reach the life stage where one is expected to give up material possessions and dedicate the remaining life to enlightenment, will I be ready to give up attachments to this world?

Is liberation something I actually want or just what I’ve always been told I should want?