Faith, Doubt, and Guru-Bhakti

As excited as I was to get a baby blessing from my Guru, as positive and energized and hopeful as it made me feel, it's difficult to avoid glimmers of fear and doubt.Just like how "faith healers" operate, if your wish doesn't come true then you get the blame for it. You doubted. You weren't totally confident the Guru could do it. Your faith wasn't strong enough.I don't want to have doubts.I want to have perfect Guru-bhakti (devotion) and trust with all my mind and heart and soul … [Read more...]

I’d Like To Not Exist For A Little While

A new pregnancy test this morning came out negative.There's not supposed to be any such thing as a false positive except through user error, but I followed the directions on that test very, very carefully. I'll be joining the group of people who don't trust and don't use the blue dye tests. A pink one has revealed an unambiguous no.I got to have one wonderful day of believing I was pregnant. It was glorious.Now it would be nice to be able to flip an "off" switch and put myself in … [Read more...]

Big News


UPDATE:¬† work I've been doing on acceptance seems to be paying off. Yesterday morning I got a positive pregnancy test for the first time in my life.I'm so thrilled that I hardly know what to say!It's early days yet. I tested about five days before you are supposed to test so the result is very faint. The body hasn't had much time to produce pregnancy hormones measured by the tests.The fact … [Read more...]

Being in Limbo

how to use japa mala

I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I absolutely hate transitional periods in life. It's natural in a journey like life to spend a lot of time transitioning from one stage to another, yet there is a strong instinct in me (and I suspect in many humans) to feel settled. To arrive at a place.The most difficult times in my life have been when I feel caught in-between life stages. When I haven't had a consistent home (college years) or the beginning stages of dating someone when you don't yet … [Read more...]

Letting Go Is The Hardest Part


It's been a little while since I spoke of my infertility struggles. It's something that is present in my life every moment of every day and it's difficult for me to focus on anything else these days. (Hence a slow down on the writing, unfortunately). There's not much left to say about it. I do everything I can to make my body healthy and try again and again to find myself pregnant. No luck as of yet.I've been noticing something recently. When you learn about prayer or wishing or "the secret" … [Read more...]

Can You Pray Your Way to a Baby?


Whenever I write something about my process of trying to conceive I always get some super obnoxious comments on Twitter.Before I went to India I asked for suggestions of temples I could visit that are known for fertility prayers. I didn't get many responses but one person said "Yeah, it's called a fertility clinic."Which was not at all what I asked for. I found it incredibly rude and this person was clearly making assumptions about me. Like that I'm someone who would rather pray and hope … [Read more...]

Sringeri Week: Blessings From My Guru

A Little Less Fat Than I Had Been

As you guys know, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for the last couple of years and we've discovered some medical issues that are making it challenging. To update you on that situation, I have been diagnosed with two things: 1) PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which leads to irregular cycles and 2) under active thyroid.I started medication for the thyroid in October. It turns out that my sudden weight gain over the last few years was due to my thyroid stopping working … [Read more...]

A Story of Adoption


Clearly reading posts on the Internet about adoption is doing nothing more than filling me with fear and doubt. To get a more grounded persepective, I turned to my cousin.Liz has lived through many aspects of the adoption world, from being in foster care to being adopted to having her own child (who is SO adorable!)I asked Liz to tell us a little bit about the process and her thoughts about it. Listening to her, I realize that I tend to have fears to do something if anything could go … [Read more...]

Why Not Just Adopt?

EDIT: Some people have said that this post is very negative about adoption. It was not my intention to come across as super negative! My intent was to provide some counter examples to balance a media that often portrays adoption as the best thing in the world that easily solves all problems when starting a family and the most selfless choice one could make. I've spent the last year reading blog posts and articles about adoption and they have brought up for me that there are concerns to figure … [Read more...]