Conversion and Renewal

Every religious person has times that challenge their faith. Sometimes they come out of these periods stronger for their journey, recommitted and renewed. Sometimes they find that the faith that had been their home no longer fits them and they move on.

Former Pagan Carl McColman has his conversion story up on Beliefnet. In it he talks of how he felt abandoned by modern Paganism when his dark night of the soul came calling.

“Christianity has a simple, yet effective prayer for those who doubt: ‘I believe; help my unbelief!’ (Mark 9:24). Christians often view doubt as a problem to be solved through prayer, counseling, or study. But my Pagan doubt seemed more than just a transitory problem??it threatened my entire religious identity. Since Paganism relies on experience, what does it mean to experience profound doubt? If I dismissed such experience as “wrong,” that would just lead to questioning all of my spiritual experience??even my happier “magical” experiences. Once mired in doubt, I found nothing to fall back on??no faith, no belief, no dogma. The very quality of Paganism that initially appealed to me seemed to leave me ill equipped to face my inner questioning.”

Meanwhile, showing how doubt and frustration can lead to a new certainty comes the story of Ariadne. Araidne is a teen Wiccan who has a sister that recently converted to Christianity. In the essay she talks of how that conversion (and her sister’s insistence apon her hell-bound fate) made her uncertain in her own beliefs.

“The most terrible thing, however, about Christine’s conversion was that she made me doubt my own faith for the very first time. I was so passionate about Wicca, and believed in it so deeply, that this was a horrible fright. The shock was that my sister -? who had always seemed so opposed -? was now praying to a God I couldn’t accept as real, and this was deeply disturbing and upsetting. What if she was right? What if there really was a Jesus Christ, a God Almighty, who would purge all those who didn’t follow him into the pits of hell? Was that what would happen to me? Was I really doomed, age fifteen onwards, to go to the Bad Flame? It became a constant, tormenting question as my sister’s Baptism loomed. Was I right? Was she wrong? Was I doomed to spend an eternity in hell? I knew I believed in Mother Goddess and Father God, yet, insanely, I wasn’t sure I didn’t believe in Christine’s God too. Could we both be right? Was I a sinner? Was I wicked, was I evil, simply for believing in a different path?”

But attending her sisters baptism made clear to her that she was on the right path.

“Then, when she took her vows and was dunked under the water to be Baptised, I started to sob, again, but this time it was tears of happiness! Tears of happiness to see Christine so happy, so fulfilled, but also tears of happiness for me. Because there I was in church, surrounded by people crying, laughing, holding out their hands, feeling the word of God, feeling the love, and yet, true and deep as my flesh and blood, I knew that this wasn’t for me. As I sat in that pew, tears streaming down my cheeks, I felt good. I felt like a Wiccan.”

Modern Pagan religion (in all its permutations) isn’t for everyone. Some will end up finding it lacking and leave. The reasons for this are almost as numerous as the different faiths and traditions that fit under the “modern Paganism” banner. Some may be disappointed when a semi-prominent author converts to Catholicism, but I would rather a happy convert than an unhappy and unsatisfied Pagan.

So blessings to both those who stay and those who leave. May everyone find what they are looking for within themselves and in the divine.

Tags: Neopaganism