There are two types of people who tend to over-estimate the size of the modern Pagan movement. Those who are advocates of Pagan religions and want to emphasize our vitality and popularity; and those who are hostile to Pagan religions and want to frighten (or at least dismay) their audience with the specter of Pagan dominance. Of these two, polemicist Melanie Phillips falls into the latter camp.

“Some of Ms. Phillips’ data may startle those of us who think of ourselves as reasonably normal people. “What previously belonged to the province of the quack and the charlatan have become mainstream,” and “‘Wicca’ – or witchcraft – and paganism constitute the fastest growing religious category in America, with between 500,000 and 5 million adherents.” Throw in New Age spirituality, and the number reaches 20 million.”

First off, we have the “fastest growing religion” meme, which isn’t true, though often parroted. While modern Pagan religions are growing, in North America the fastest-growing religious category is “none”/”unaffiliated”. Now between 15-16% of the population in America. I can’t imagine how Ms. Phillips missed this, as it was a big religion story covered in several major newspapers.

“The only group that grew in every U.S. state since the 2001 survey was people saying they had “no” religion; the survey says this group is now 15 percent of the population. Silk said this group is likely responsible for the shrinking percentage of Christians in the United States.”

Now maybe some of  those unaffiliated folks are Pagan-friendly, but I wouldn’t bet on a significant percentage leaning in that particular direction. Next is the “between 500,000 and 5 million adherents” line. Recent Pew Forum and ARIS data has modern Paganism hovering somewhere around a million adherents (give or take a hundred thousand or two) in the US. That’s nothing to sneeze at, but it isn’t Pagans taking over numbers either. If she had wanted to low-ball the estimate she could have gone with the ARIS data estimates which says Wiccans and Pagans combined are just under 700,000, but where did she get 5 million?

Now a lot of folks have estimated that there are several million Pagans, but few of them have any hard data to back it up. They are mostly guesses made from incomplete data or their hopes/fears. My guess at the source is the famously anonymous Barnes & Noble marketing executive who opined that the Pagan book-buying market was an astounding 10 million. Half it to seem more reasonable, and presto! Of course, who buys a book and who identifies as Pagan are two very different things. I’m currently staying at my mother-in-law’s house, and while she is no Pagan (at least not in the religious sense), she also owns “Cunningham’s Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs”, “The Politics of Women’s Spirituality”, and Jean Bolen’s “Crossing To Avalon”.

So what does it matter that Melanie Phillips is trying to sell copies of “The World Turned Upside Down: The Global Battle over God, Truth, and Power” by overestimating the influence and growth of modern Paganism? Well, aside from the fact that she thinks modern Pagan religions are somehow a symptom of growing irrationality while civilizations “built on the values given to us by Christianity and the Hebrew Bible” are somehow a religious bulwark against irrationality (an interesting assertion to say the least), there’s the fact that she is littering the chattering classes with more bad data. If you want to argue that the world is going to hell, and Wiccans chanting is a symptom of it, be my guest. But lazy research not only distorts factual information about Paganism, it also undermines the larger points works like these try to make. It calls into question all the other assertions and “facts” used to make a case for a growingly irrational world.

So if you want to use Pagans to build your “irrational world” straw-man, at least look up the Pew and ARIS data when citing numbers, and hey, maybe actually reading a book or two on Pagan theology and belief might not hurt either.

Hindu leader Rajan Zed seems like a pretty busy guy, at least on paper. Ever since he catapulted to widespread public attention for giving a disrupted opening invocation in the US Senate chambers, he’s been giving opinions and issuing press releases on a myriad of issues. He’s for women bishops in the Church of England, a tax-free Yoga industry, and rich people giving to charity (among other things). What’s he against? That one episode of Supernatural with the Hindu deities, curry-flavored Kali mints, and now Sacred Source’s Shiva Shakti statue.

The Nevada-based Universal Society of Hinduism and the New Jersey-based Forum for Hindu Awakening on Tuesday urged Sacred Source, a longtime distributor of deity statues headquartered in Crozet, to stop selling certain statues depicting Hindu gods. Rajan Zed, president of the Nevada organization, said Sacred Source is selling statues that depict Hindu deities in ways he deems “inappropriate.” Zed said in a news release: “These deities were highly revered in Hinduism and inappropriate usage of Hindu deities or con-cepts for commercial or other agenda was not okay.” Bhavna Shinde, of the Forum for Hindu Awakening, cited the example of one statue offered by Sacred Source that shows Shiva sitting cross-legged with a nude woman in his lap, facing him. “They are selling statues of our deities … in denigrating positions,” she said.

So is this a case of Westerners offensively exploiting Hindu culture? It doesn’t seem so cut-and-dried an issue. The statue mentioned, Shakti Shiva, and all the rest for that matter, are produced in India by Hindus and subsequently sold to Hindus (and everyone else in the world) according to Sacred Source. Further, journalist Brian McNeil actually went to get other opinions, rather than just take Zed’s word on the offensiveness of Sacred Source’s Hindu line of statuary.

There is nothing in Hinduism that would forbid the sale of statues depicting the religion’s deities, said Krishna Karimikonda, president of the American Hindu Association. “They can sell,” he said. “They’re not selling artifacts. They’re not breaking any law. Some of the statues in India are not to be sold, but reproduced statues made of wood or some other material? There’s nothing wrong with that.” John Nemec, a religious studies professor at the University of Virginia who teaches about Hinduism, said the statue depicting Shiva in a sexual pose with a naked woman is a “knockoff of tantric images that are sometimes seen in temples in India and Nepal.”

So there’s the American Hindu Association president saying that there isn’t anything wrong with the statues, though the Forum for Hindu Awakening, who are also protesting Sacred Source, say that Krishna Karimikonda actually was offended, and that he was quoted out of context.

“Even the American Hindu Association’s Krishna Karimikonda, whose comment has been published in the above news report, was offended (and said he was quoted out of context by the news reporter) when we contacted him and informed him about these statues of our Deities in sexual positions. So would be the case with every practicing Hindu – should he come to know about this, he would be offended at this blatant denigration.”

We’ll have to await actual word from Karimikonda to see if the American Hindu Association is going join the protest, or stand by the initial quote. Will other Hindu groups, like the Hindu American Foundation, take a stance? Is this an isolated outrage, or one that is spreading to other national Hindu groups?

Unlike the Kali mints episode, this issue could turn into something that may draw in the Pagan community, and force both individuals and organizations to take a stance in one direction or another. Sacred Source does considerable business with the modern Pagan community, and it’s rare to find a metaphysical store, or Pagan altar, that isn’t adorned with one of their pieces (or magazine that doesn’t carry their advertising for that matter). So what do we say, what do we do, when American Hindus say the company offends them?

I’m personally going to see what stances, if any, the larger American Hindu groups take, and I welcome feedback from my Hindu and Indo-Pagan readers on this subject. What do you think? Is this just another tempest in a teapot, or are the statues truly offensive and American Hindus just never noticed them before?

When I was at the Pagan Spirit Gathering in Missouri, the ongoing oil disaster in the Gulf Coast region was right on the surface of many of our minds. Throughout the week there were calls for a healed earth, for a re-dedication to the earth-centered and environmental principles many of us shared, culminating in a ritual where Gulf Coast residents became a focal point of our collective will towards a solution to this crisis. For me, and the other participants, this wasn’t surprising. Modern Pagan religions and environmentalism, particularly in North America, have largely walked hand-in-hand since the first Earth Day in 1970. Embracing, in the words of Chas Clifton, not simply the “Cosmic Nature” of attuning oneself with the cosmos, but the “Gaian Nature” that positioned us as an environmentally concerned grouping of faiths.

Modern Pagan faiths are not alone in these environmental attitudes. Hindu monk Ramdas Lamb recently put forward a forceful call towards living in balance and harmony with nature, and that we all shared culpability in the disasters that result from our needs.

“When there is harmony in the world, there is peace. Disharmony leads imbalance, disease, and destruction. The BP oil spill is a product of an approach to nature that reeks of an attitude of destruction and has little or no sense of respect or harmony for nature. This does not mean that we cannot use things in nature for our benefit, and sometimes this includes animals, but that we should do so in a respectful way. As citizens of a country that uses more energy than any other country, we have to share with BP a moral, if not financial, responsibility for what has recently happened. How many of us who complain about the ongoing environmental degradation have altered our lives to use alternate energy instead? How many of us drive only alternate energy vehicles, have solar panels on our homes, recycle all our waste, plant trees wherever we can, and stop adding to the massive pollution caused by the livestock industry? Not many. There is an environmental crisis that is apparent today and has therefore gotten most of our attentions, but there is a morality crisis that has been going on for a long time in the way we treat Mother Earth and her residents, and very few of us even think about it. While many individual Christians, Jews, and Muslims act in environmentally conscious ways, it is time that Western religions themselves start including in their teachings a genuine and proactive concern for nature and for the other beings that share the Earth with us. They claim to believe that all of creation is from God. It is time they begin to treat these divine creations with the respect they deserve.”

Nor is Lamb the sole Hindu voice on that matter, as Hindu American Foundation (HAF) co-founder Aseem Shukla reminds us that Hinduism, like modern Pagan faiths, sees divinity within every part of nature.

“For panentheistic Hindus, who with many Dharma faiths and Pagan traditions worship Earth as a manifestation of the Mother Goddess, divinity is found within every part of nature just as it transcends an earthly realm.”

These Pagan and Hindu voices are joined by indigenous communities and several other minority faiths; yet when AP environmental writer John Flesher decided to look at the “Green religion movement” within the context of the Gulf spill, you would think that “eco-theology” was a concept dreamt of solely by liberal (and not-so-liberal) Christians.

“Religious leaders who consider environmental protection a godly mission are making the Gulf of Mexico oil spill a rallying cry, hoping it inspires people of faith to support cleaner energy while changing their personal lives to consume less and contemplate more. “This is one of those rare moments when you can really focus people’s attention on what’s happening to God’s creation,” said Walt Grazer, head of the National Religious Partnership for the Environment.”

To be sure, I welcome those Christian and Jewish voices calling for a new balance, a new ethos, in how we approach the environment Their involvement is needed if we are truly to change the way we live. But this piece renders millions of “green” religionists invisible in order to give Jim Wallis yet another press clipping. A “green religion” movement without indigenous leaders, without Pagans, without Hindus, is one missing vital information on how to move beyond theology and into practice. A concern voiced by Yale historian Mary Evelyn Tucker in the article.

“Very few of the world’s religions were making any statements about the environment 20 years ago, and now virtually all of them have,” said Mary Evelyn Tucker, a historian of religion and founder of Yale University’s Forum on Religion and Ecology. “The challenge is to put them into practice.”

How to practice “green religion”? Let’s start by recognizing that there are religious traditions that have been working on this very issue for decades, and some that have been living that seemingly elusive practice for generations. When journalists focus almost solely on Christians who are for and against embracing environmentalism and an “eco-theology”, they can miss the bigger story of how many of us are approaching Green Religion entirely out of that context.

I’m on the road today to visit family, but here’s a few quick notes for you.

Thresholds of Life: Over at Patheos.com, Star Foster shares her audio interview with Pagan priestess and Death Midwife Nora Cedarwind Young, recorded at this year’s Pagan Spirit Gathering.

“Before Pagan Spirit Gathering I had never heard of a death-midwife but it makes perfect sense. Midwives were healers of body and spirit, they guided people through the transition of birth, death and even marriage by matchmaking. While birth midwives have been making a comeback since the 1970’s, midwives who help families with the transition of death are still uncommon. Along with sharing her stories and thoughts about PSG, Nora Cedarwind Young told us about death-midwives: what they do and how she became one.”

In addition to her work as a Death Midwife, Young is also an activist in the green burial movement, and was part of the initiative to get Circle Cemetery, located at Circle Sanctuary Nature Preserve, approved as America’s first National Pagan natural burial ground and contemporary Green cemetery to be platted and recorded in Wisconsin.

The Allegedly Evil Sacrificed Goats: A Doylesburg, Pennsylvania families four pet goats were killed on June 30th in what some are claiming was a “ritualistic” manner. Animal Control Police Officer Floyd “Buck” Hessler seems convinced it’s Satanists.

“That sounds like a satanic issue,” said Franklin County Animal Control Police Officer Floyd “Buck” Hessler when told Tuesday of the incident. Hessler said he investigated what seemed to be a ritualistic animal killing about three years ago, in Hamilton Township. In that incident, several dogs had been killed, skinned and arranged in a circle. “My understanding is that they drink the blood and put them in all in a circle. I don’t know why they do it, but that’s what they do,” he said … Hessler said that most ritualistic animal killings seem to happen at night and involve smaller, easier to handle animals.

I’m intensely curious as to how he reached that “understanding”. Is there a book I can reference? Case files? Testimony? Or are we once again relying on traveling “occult experts” to provide a “Satanic ritual” veneer to something they don’t understand? I’m truly surprised that this one wasn’t also blamed on Santeria, since they seem to be the go-to culprit for animal deaths lately.

The Wicked Witch of North Bay Village: A rather humdrum case of accused condo association fraud in Miami get livened up by the fact that the property manager accused of mismanaging and embezzling funds is on the advisory council of Association of Independent Pagans, and allegedly cursed tenants in a flyer posted on condo doors.

A group of condo owners at South Treasure Drive’s North Bay Villas want their property manager, Fernando Laracuente, fired. “He has utilized [condo] association resources for his personal gain, and he refuses to give up,” resident Andrea Gomez says … The situation got stranger last week when tenants found a flyer posted on every door and littering the parking lot, declaring Laracuente’s enemies were “annoying bitches” and continued, “All they know how to do is create chaos. Oh, daughters of Lucifer, that ye have been born… only for procreation purposes and to favor evil. We damn our luck for these people joining our community.” Plastered in the middle of the flyer was clip art of a witch’s head … “Laracuente is truly deranged and needs to be committed,” says Adriana Caraballo, a tenant named in the flyer.

Laracuente’s lawyer denies the fiscal mismanagement allegations, saying that it’s just a disagreement that’s gotten out of hand. As the Miami New Times points out, condo association fights are common enough, but what isn’t common is the property manager calling residents “daughters of Lucifer” in a printed flyer (at least I don’t think it is, but I’m not up on condo life). If there’s anyone from the Pagan community near North Bay Village in Florida who has any insight on this, please feel free to speak up in the comments.

That’s all I have time for right now, have a great day!

So what’s been going on with New Age guru, “Secret” booster, and two-time Oprah guest James Arthur Ray since he was arrested on 3 counts of manslaughter in connection with a sweat-lodge ceremony he led? First, his trial is scheduled for August 31st, though it’s looking likely that will be postponed due to a scheduling hold-up relating to a judge needing surgery. Secondly, a court document filed by Ray’s lawyers (now making the rounds on Twitter) seems to hint that the defense will want to suppress any mention of previous bad acts on the part of Ray during the trial.

“Other than the discovery issue there is a possibility that additional days will be requested. Defendant may be filing a motion requesting an evidentiary hearing regarding 404(b) prior bad acts and that may require more time than the two days the Court has set aside.”

What previous bad acts you may wonder? Well, his history of medical incidents at previous Ray-led events, including a shattered hand and a mysterious suicide. While the suicide is shrouded with questions, it is the shattered hand incident that might be the most damning if allowed into evidence at this new trial, showing a pattern of reckless disregard for his clients.

“In the Disney World incident, a 2005 negligence lawsuit charged a “reckless” Ray pushed seminar attendee Diane Konopka to smash the board to “overcome . . . self-esteem issues.” Repeatedly unsuccessful, the “humiliated” and “extremely exhausted” Konopka felt “she had no choice” but to do what Ray demanded, the suit says. The guru settled in 2007 for an undisclosed sum.”

Meanwhile, ABC News did a recent feature story on Ray, who says that this incident is just the “rapids” of going down the “stream” of a Law of Attraction-led life.

James Ray: So who do we have on the line, I apologize I don’t have the name…but I know you are holding?

Dan Harris: Hi James. My name is Dan Harris, I am from ABC News. And my question is, If the Law of Attraction really works — and you know how to use it, why have so many bad things happened to you and your followers?

James Ray: Well, you know Dan, um, Mickey, I think we need to flush Dan right, right on down the stream, because, um, that’s — that’s not something that we are going to talk to here. And if you had been following along, you would recognize that part of going down the stream is getting in the rapids.

The ABC feature also mentions that many followers of Ray remain true believers, something that I’ve encountered here recently, as they spout Ray’s lawyer’s talking-points in the case, and try to shift the blame for the deaths onto Angel Valley.

“It is MY OPINION that James Arthur Ray was ignorant as to just how dangerous a sweat lodge holding about 60 could be. Angel Valley must have assured Mr Ray that such a sweat lodge would be no problem to build and it would be safe or else James Arthur Ray would not have paid them to build it. Mr Ray blindly trusted Angel Valley to be experts in these matters. This is where James Arthur Ray made his big mistake. Angel Valley should have told Mr Ray that they would NEVER build such a sweat lodge because it was extremely dangerous to do so. They should have told Mr Ray that they also would not allow ANYONE to build such a dangerous sweat lodge on THEIR PROPERTY, for liability reasons. Yes, Mr Ray was indeed ignorant to blindly trust Angel Valley when they told him they could safely build a sweat lodge that can hold 60 people. It was indeed blind ignorant trust in Angel Valley that led to the tragedy in Sedona’s Angel Valley.”

To be sure, Angel Valley Retreat Center should also be held to account for their role in these deaths, there’s plenty of blame to go around, but that doesn’t erase Ray’s part in the incident. He’ll have his day in court, and we’ll see if the accusations of intimidation, recklessness, and negligence add up to manslaughter. As always, we’ll keep you posted on the latest developments.

A Texas man who was convicted of raping and killing a 15-year-old girl is appealing his death sentence on the grounds that the prosecution used information about his affiliation with the Church of Satan to influence jurors. While Irving Davis’ guilt in this crime is not in doubt, the way his chosen faith was inserted into the sentencing hearing should raise a few eyebrows.

“Jurors were shown, over defense objections, Davis’ drawings depicting satanic symbols, books removed from his cell that included “The Satanic Bible” and a pentagram tattoo on his chest. Prosecutors also introduced a grievance form that showed Davis complaining about being denied a gong, candles, chalice, black robes, a vial of blood and other items he said were needed to practice his religion. Prosecutor Lily Stroud said the evidence was meant to show that Davis had chosen to affiliate with an organization that condones and encourages human sacrifice and other illegal acts.”

Prosecution is arguing that the Satanism material was relevant because it shows he is a “continuing threat to society”, and therefore should be given the death penalty instead of merely life in prison. So far the judges in this appeal don’t seem to be taking the matter all that seriously, and are confusing a hypothetical theistic Satanism with the atheistic self-glorifying Church of Satan.

“I mean, come on, boil it all down, the Church of Satan?” Judge Michael Keasler said. “You’ve got to be kidding me as to how that’s good, because Satan himself, at least as far as Christian doctrine is concerned, is the epitome of what evil is. If somebody chooses to align themselves with something like that, it certainly would seem relevant.” Musing aloud, Judge Lawrence Meyers asked if Satanism should be considered a religion at all, because religions revolve around worshipping a higher power. “Satan’s not an almighty being,” Meyers said.

As for the Church of Satan itself, representatives from the Church have made it clear on past occasions that it wants nothing to do with murderers and criminals.

“Satanism prohibits the harming of children and animals. The Church of Satan does not endorse, and will terminate the membership of those who commit, criminal activity … One fact about the religion of Satanism that might be of interest is that Satanists do not do forgiveness…”

Tempting as it may be to simply say good riddance to this monster, it does seem that the prosecution used the Church of Satan affiliation to affect the sentencing in this trial. Certainly if Davis had converted to Wicca, Druidism, or Asatru while in prison, and the prosecution had used materials from those faiths out of context to imply that he was a “continuing threat to society”, it would be very concerning to our community. As the defense attorney asserts, this may very well be “an improper attempt to criminalize beliefs that society finds offensive or disagreeable”. That the judges don’t seem to be seriously considering that matter and are instead theorizing about how powerful Satan is, we can be justly worried that they would be similarly dismissive of other minority faiths in other cases.

International Pagan Coming Out Day: This past Wednesday, Cara Schulz at Pagan+Politics proposed that the global Pagan community have a “coming out” day on May 1st. This came after her experiences at the recent Pagan Spirit Gathering, where she noticed that being “in” or “out” as a Pagan was a recurring theme in discussions within a variety of contexts.

“This topic came up over and over at the Pagan Spirit Gathering, a camping style festival of around 900 attendees held in Missouri this past week. As I was a PSG nOOb, I’m unsure if it was normal for this discussion to happen as often as it did, but it seemed to be at the forefront of peoples’ minds. Speakers touched on it, attendees brought it up during Q&A sessions, and it was bandied about in casual, private conversations.  Even topics that you may think would have nothing to do with being public vs closeted quickly turned in that direction.”

Some have expressed skepticism at such a “holiday”, most notably Chas Clifton and NeoWayland. The problem, I think, comes from what we mean when we say “out” (or “in” for that matter). I’ll be frank and open about the fact that I advocate for Pagans coming out of the “broom closet”, and did so at my talks during PSG. However, being “out” doesn’t necessarily mean plastering your car with bumper stickers, interjecting your faith into every conversation, or ostentatiously wearing a pound of Pagan “bling”. It certainly doesn’t mean placing yourself or your children in immediate danger if those are your circumstances. It means not living a double life, it means being out to your family, even if it’s uncomfortable, and it means being willing to request and expect equal treatment in the workplace.

Pagans being “out” about who we are to those who love us, to those we interact with on a daily basis, changes the world. Even the conservative Christian polling organization The Barna Group acknowledges this in their research.

“About 5% of America’s adult population associates with faiths other than Christianity (e.g., Judaism, Buddhism, Islam, etc.). Within this group, about half (47%) were registered as Democrats, 30% were independent, and one-quarter (23%) were Republicans. The ballots of this group were most often cast for Barack Obama (62%) rather than John McCain (36%). The support provided to the Democratic candidate is identical to the backing this group provided to John Kerry four years ago (61%) …Among voters who had a favorable view of Wicca, Sen. Obama was the favored candidate 64% to 35%.“

It is important to look at the language in that last line. It isn’t about Wiccans specifically, but people who had a “favorable view” of Wicca. To further extrapolate, the family, friends, and co-workers of the estimated 1 million modern Pagans in America tended to favor the candidate favored by the majority of modern Pagans. But this isn’t just about voting and politics, it is about eradicating stereotypes and altering perceptions. It’s about changing the strange biases and assumptions that even “tolerant” people have about modern Pagan faiths. It’s about not being thrown under the bus because “there isn’t a Pagan in our office/school/organization”. Again, coming out won’t be a panacea for every Pagan, but if all who are willing and able took one day to say “I’m a Pagan”, to humanize our often misunderstood religions, it could change more than any of us realize.

Heathen Harvest Closes: The long-running web magazine Heathen Harvest, which specialized in post-Industrial and neofolk music, is ceasing publication.

“My reasons for choosing to close Heathen Harvest echo those of the Miguel (DJ TekNoir) and Lee Powell the owners of Gothtronic and Judas Kiss.  After dedicating seven years to the post industrial community I find my time divided between Heathen Harvest and the other pursuits calling me in life.  In addition the costs of funding Heathen Harvest have increased along with our success and the ever increasing number of submissions for review.

We have now reached our peak journalist capacity based on my available personal funds and the number of submissions far exceeds our staffs capabilities.  I feel satisfied that the Heathen Harvest volunteer staff have given enough throughout our seven years  and now its time to bow out and allow someone new and fresh to pick up the banner and lead the charge.”

As Malahki Thorn mentions in his public statement, Heathen Harvest is joining music sites Gothtronic and Judas Kiss in the decision to step down from covering music. It’s hard to fully appreciate the contributions Heathen Harvest has made to outsider, underground, and often, Pagan and esoteric music. Many of the bands I play on A Darker Shade of Pagan enjoyed coverage at Heathen Harvest, and it was a resource for me when I was looking for new bands and artists. I’ve seen a lot of sites that have supported Pagan and esoteric music, even if that wasn’t their primary mission, fold in recent years. Serpentine has folded its distribution service, Woven Wheat Whispers and Dancing Ferret/Noir shuttered in 2008, and now three more sites are going quiet. With music distribution ever-more decentralized on the Internet, will lovers of Pagan music find themselves without any sort of guide or resource to the sonic riches that now abound?

Do They Know It’s X-Day At All? In a final note, I just wanted to wish all my Subgenii readers, particularly Modemac and Lady Karris of The High Weirdness Project, a very happy X-Day. Maybe this will be the year where the men from Planet X will swoop down and save all paid members of your church while the rest of us are destroyed.

“The Blessed Day when the Alien Sex Goddesses shall at last arrive on Earth and proceed with THE RUPTURE! All card-carrying, Truly Ordained, PAID UP SubGenius Ministers shall be SNATCHED UP into the Cosmos to spend Eternity (or at least the Journey to Planet X) engaging in a VAST ORGAZMONIC RITUAL OF SEXHURT!! After SIX MILLION YEARS of persecution, discrimation, and torture at the hands of the Conspiracy, we shall FINALLY take our place at the right hand of JHVH-1 and HAVE OUR REVENGE on the ones who have made our lives a SHEER, UNENDING HELL!!!”

If not, well, better luck next year.