Requested topics: polyamory and insecurity (Blogathon 34/49)

Got this on a donation request:

What would you guess makes the difference between a person with insecurity issues that can be addressed and a person just not wired for polyamory at all?

Hrm.  I’d start by saying that poly isn’t something that is necessarily better than monogamy.  It’s like asking someone what the best pizza topping is.  They say pepperoni, yet you like sausage better.  The solution there is simple: eat what you like.  The solution to dating is simple: do it the way you like.

After that, the first thing I would ask is what makes them think their insecurity cannot be addressed.

The second thing I’d ask is what makes them insecure.

After that, I’d talk about why, at least for me, poly caters better to my insecurities.

I want to know that a partner loves me.  That’s what really helps with insecurity, right?  So I need the best way to know that reliably.

That’s a bit of a tricky thing to figure out, because the only lie told with more frequency than “I love you” is “Jesus rose from the dead.”  Why do people tell that lie?  Usually to avoid hurting someone or because they actually love someone else as well and are obligated by the structure of their relationship not to act on it (even though they feel that way).  How to get around that?

Poly allows me to take away their motivation to lie.  If they don’t love me, they know they can say so.  If they love me AND someone else, they can say so.  Insecurity comes from not knowing or distrusting, and poly allows me to get past both those things.  It takes away any reason to lie, and you always know where your partner stands (ideally).

In short, any partner of mine has the full option to do whatever they like with my blessing.  That way when they’re with me, I know that’s where they want to be.  They’re not just doing it out of obligation.

I don’t need to be the only person in someone else’s life to know they love me, I just need to know they really want to be with me when they are.  Poly gives me that.

Right now Michaelyn has the green light to date and sleep with other people.  I have the same.  But neither of us are using those options even though they exist because this is simply what we both want right now.  That may change down the road, but the removal of obligation allows us to be sure that this is what we both really want.  If you obligate someone to be with you and only you, or to only love you, or to only want you physically, how can you know that they’re in it because they want that and not because it would hurt your feelings to find out otherwise?

It may work for you or it may not.  But it works for me.  :)   This is the structure I’ve found in relationships that places me the most at ease.

This is post 34 of 49 for Blogathon.

Total donors is at 251 (if we hit 300 by 7am tomorrow, even if those donations are just the $5 minimum, 20 campers at Camp Quest Ohio will get to pie Michaelyn or JT in the face)! There will be pictures. That link also has some other ideas for pledging for Blogathon. :)

You can still donate to the SSA by supporting other blogathoners, art contributors, personal fundraising pages or through a direct donation to the SSA! SSA Week lasts through June 17th. Spread the word!

  • Mriana

    Correct me, please, if my thoughts are going in the wrong direction here, but I’ve pondered this topic (romantic love) lately, even discussed it with my 23 y.o. son and came to the conclusion that Polyamory isn’t a bad thing. It also doesn’t necessarily mean you are having sex with everyone you date either, but you do happen to love and care for those you have a relationship with. My son seemed to agree with this perception and also doesn’t think it is a bad thing.

    At one time, due to not understanding it at all, I use to have different thoughts, in part due to how I was raised and taught. I’ve pondered what love is lately and well I’ve come to the conclusion that there is more than one form of love, with many definitions. Love between parent and child, of which a parent can love more than one child, but that’s not polyamory, but it is love for more than one child. We love our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc and we love many friends (the various Greek definitions of love), so why can’t one love more than one person in other ways, even romantically? It makes sense that if all other multiple loves are humanly possible, why not romantic loves too? Why should romantic love be restricted, esp if one is single and not committed to a monogamous relationship?

    I guess thoughts on love is one more thing we overcome when we leave religion, sort of like what Darrel Ray talks about with his sex thing.