Chris Kluwe comes down on bigot politician like a ton of bricks.

Kris Kluwe is displeased.

A player for the Baltimore Ravens, Brendon Ayanbadejo, spoke out in favor of marriage equality.  In response, a delegate from the state of Maryland, Emmett C. Burns Jr., wrote a letter the Ravens team suggesting they muzzle their player.

Boy, did that ever rub Vikings punter Chris Kluwe the wrong way.  He wrote an open letter response to Burns that dazzles both in the strength of its rebuttal and in finding precisely the proper tone with which to address a politician who said something so grossly un-American.

What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

“Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”).

This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

Kluwe added a P.S. to his letter…

P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

Thomas Jefferson would be jealous.

I’m going to go pick up Kluwe as a free agent for one of my fantasy football teams.  He’ll start at quarterback before Tim Tebow leaves the bench.

  • Loqi

    “…why do you hate freedom?”

    This is my opening line whenever I respond to something using my right wing nutjob impression. When used un-ironically, that phrase bothers me to no end.

  • Nate Frein

    The Baltimore Sun ran an article today saying that Burns decided to back off.

    Burns basically said “Yes, he does have his free speech rights, and I have my free speech rights. We both have our own free speech rights.”.

    The article also noted that while Brendon Ayanbadejo received a massive outpouring of support, from teammates, to the team owners, to people like Ellen DeGeneres, Burns had no support from, well, anyone.

  • anteprepro

    Just the right combination of eloquence and frustrated cussing. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.

  • eric

    Kluwe also wrote a clean version of the same opinion piece, and the Ravens management officially supported their player.
    Fun stuff.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd JT Eberhard

      Good for the Ravens! Damn, I might have to start rooting for them now…

      Definitely have a soft spot for the Vikes now.

  • UsingReason

    LMAO, his G rated version is incredibly funny:

    BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY!!!!

  • tubi

    Here’s the clean version.

  • Amyc

    UNFORTUNATE PHALLIC HEDGE SCULPTURE!
    Everyone needs to read the ‘clean’ version.

  • Pingback: In HIS footsteps…politics, personal freedom, and ‘loving the sinner’ – the Chris Kluwe/Emmett Burns files « Sniperhunter2012

  • NakedAnthropologist

    I used to not care about football, but Kluwe has now made of fan of me. Well done, sir – and thank you.

  • Amanda

    I don’t give a shit about sports, but I’m pretty sure Chris Kluwe is my new hero.


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