The last time I was at a conference me and my friends were approached by a Christian woman. She explained to us in a very serious tone that when she spoke to God she was informed by him that our lives had gone extremely bad. We informed this well meaning person that her deity had somehow given her the wrong information and also WTF. After we picked ourselves out of the apparent wreckage of our horrible lives, we had a brief exchange. As soon as we started making counterpoints she begged off stating that she “didn’t want to argue.” Which is too bad, because while I consider myself something of a diplomat, I really do enjoy taking someone to school.
One thing she said stuck with me though. She insisted that in her conversations with Lord Planet-Maker, he expressed a desire to have a relationship with me. I wondered aloud why God hadn’t approached me if that was his wish.
This is something I’ve seen quite a bit of, this idea that the creator of the entire universe has trouble making a phone call. He has to ask his friends to do it for him. I’ve always thought of this as a cop-out for the lack of evidence for god, but I think I was approaching the issue from the wrong angle. The Christians are totally right. God is real. But he also happens to be in middle school.
It all makes total sense now. The inability to communicate, the delusions of perfection, the warped view of human sexuality…none of this would be in play if God were a mature adult. I’ve always thought that the story of Elisha asking God for a solution to annoying kids was a bit over-the-top, but I guess if you’re gonna ask an omnipotent tween for help, murderous bears are something you should have expected.
Frankly, Elisha is lucky a robotic velociraptor didn’t’ show up and ruin everyone’s day.
The only flaw in this theology is that if this were so, God should still be able to give me a note that says “Do you like me? Check Yes or No.” I have yet to receive this. So I guess the jury’s still out.
I write a lot of jokes. Some of them are in this book.
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