Sorry I hurt you, Alex Jones

Dear Alex Jones,

I am sorry that nerds have made your life difficult. See, when you care about whether or not something is true, you have to use your brain to look into it. And use your brain to help convey your findings. Given that you specialize in spreading falsehoods, I can see how this would hurt you.

I also want to thank you for letting me know that I’m part of one of the most dangerous groups in America. All this time, I thought that reading, studying and being into role-playing games was harmless–possibly even beneficial. I will stop this immediately.

I actually got along fairly well with the football players in my high school. We had different hobbies and didn’t hang out much, but that wasn’t really a point of contention. This doesn’t negate your experience, so I will let all the nerds know to not pick on you poor football players anymore. In your case that’s particularly egregious(that is a word that means “bad”) because you shouldn’t attack people who are incapable of defending themselves.

-Steven Olsen, nerd

P.S. Go fuck yourself.

I write a lot of jokes. Some of them are in this book.
I also host the podcast of the Skepchick events team, Some Assembly Required, and cohost the WWJTD Podcast.
You can also follow me on Facebook or that bird thing.

  • Glodson
  • Daniel Schealler

    In highschool I was both a nerd and a football player.

    Sure, I was just a forward on the Rugby C team. A position I’d arrived at not by virtue of skill or athleticism, but rather of the size and strength advantage from hitting puberty early enough to start shaving at the age of 12.

    But still: Rugby player and nerd.

    • UsingReason

      I read SyFy and Fantasy and collected Comic books in High School so I guess that made me a nerd. I know my bookshelves caused some raised eyebrows at parties, but then I apparently had parties (notice the plural) so I couldn’t have been a nerd. Also being 6 feet tall and a starting offensive/defensive lineman weighing in at 240 pounds probably inhibited the ‘jocks’ screaming nerd at me. I also broke a couple of opposing players once, or twice. Infamy helps too.

      As a side note my daughter has inherited my love for comic books which was not cool 4 years ago when she was in high school but apparently is now. She thinks this is completely unfair. I think it’s hilarious.

  • http://www.sbsoapbox.blogspot.com/ Susi Bocks

    Screw Alex Jones! We love you nerds! He’s just jealous that he doesn’t have a brain! :)

  • John Evans

    Does D&D – playing Vin Diesel count as a nerd? Because I’ve totally been counting him as a nerd.

    • Glodson

      A nerd is anyone who knows that Alex Jones is full of crazy shit.

  • Rain

    Uh, anyone that makes a BS demagogue speech like he did on the Piers Morgan show is a complete phony. He’s a psychopath and he’s in it for the money and the thrills.

    • RuQu

      I don’t think so. I saw that speech, and I’m pretty sure he is sincerely insane, not just playing crazy for money.

  • ottod

    Playing football: no problem. Playing football without a helmet: may be a problem.

  • Makoto

    Oh, no, people that use their brains end up running things.. that sounds.. good? I always want someone who uses their brain to run things. If you know history, I want you advising school boards on history books, rather than the school boards doing their own thing because of their religion or whatever. If you know physics, you better believe I want you launching rockets instead of some random grabbed off the street. If you can program computers, write literature, paint, operate on someone, etc, etc, etc, that’s all still using your brain, and I think that’s great! And I want you doing what you’re trained in doing, especially if that puts you at a higher position of power than I have, because I hope that means you’ll do a better job!

    One of the few positions I can think of where using your brain is actively discouraged is being a talking head, like the fine Mr. Jones here – but don’t worry! Nerds aren’t after that job. They also aren’t working out decades-long revenge plans against jocks (in fact, many were jocks, or at least were/are extremely physically fit – backflips in the parking lot for fun? Oh, yeah. And those who weren’t jocks? They also don’t care about the jocks that caused problems way back then. Just look up the jokes about things like “Your Jock is asking my Honor Student if they want fries with that order”). Yes, there’s that stupid Kayak commercial that has the ‘nerd’ proclaim future revenge upon the bully (not jock, by the way, bully – unless you want to say they’re one in the same, which you might..). But, and I hate to disclose this to the general public, but.. that’s a work of fiction.

  • Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    When, oh when, will the tragic nerd-on-regular-person violence end?

    • UsingReason

      When they ban Whiffle Bats and Laser Tag; those sick bastards.

  • Greg G.

    Wasn’t there a major college football team known more for academics than football prowess that had a sign in the visitors’ locker room that said, “You may beat us today but we will be your boss tomorrow. ” That may be apocryphal.

  • SteveC
  • Loqi

    “…they use their brains…”
    What do the mundane people use?

    • Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

      They use that particular form of “common sense” thinking that resembles nothing you or I would recognize as such.

  • pjmaertz

    I’m pretty sure thd post script would have been a sufficient message in itself to the esteemed Mr. Jones.

  • Adam

    Apparently homosexuality too, because the government is using chemicals to encourage it so people won’t have children (my favorite gem from him).


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