Look, it’s not because President Yoweri Museveni is an Evangelical Christian leading a fundamentalist Christian nation (with some sprinkling of Islam thrown in for the anti-gay cherry on top) that he just signed a bill into law that means life imprisonment for gay people and anybody who doesn’t report them. It’s that science shows us just how unhealthy same-sex relationships can be.
The mouth is made for eating and kissing, and gay oral sex will give you worms: Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni on Monday gave a detailed explanation of why he believed homosexuals should be jailed for life.
You see? He’s not discriminating against gay people by locking them in prison for life (and anybody who doesn’t report them). He’s trying to help them! After all, life in prison is certainly better than worms, right?
“I have failed to understand that you can fail to be attracted to all these beautiful women and be attracted to a man,” the president told reporters as he signed off on controversial anti-gay legislation that includes life prison terms for repeat offenders.
“That is a really serious matter. There is something really wrong with you,” he said.
Yes, if you’re not attracted to the same things as Museveni, then there must be something wrong with you. Also, if you like asparagus, life in prison for you as well, since President Museveni can’t fathom how anybody could enjoy the taste of asparagus when there’s all this pizza around.
Museveni, a devout evangelical Christian, said the only explanation for being gay was money.
“Homosexuals are actually mercenaries. They are heterosexual people but because of money they say they are homosexuals. These are prostitutes because of money,” he said, asserting that he had taken the time to get scientific advice before signing off on the law.
Yes, first you get ostracized from everybody you know, including your family, then thrown in prison then…profit. Somehow.
And he must’ve gotten his scientific advice from a magic eight ball. “Is being gay bad?”
“My reply is no.”
“Oh come on!” Museveni shakes it again.
Museveni grimaces and shakes it again.
“My sources say no.”
Museveni then gives up, throws the eight ball into prison, grabs a slice of pizza, and asks someone who tells him that same-sex kissing gives you worms and other things that controvert all scientific knowledge.
“No study has shown you can be homosexual by nature,” he said. “That man can choose to love a man… is a matter of choice. After listening to the scientists, I got the facts.
“Can somebody be homosexual simply by nature? The answer is no.”
While every major psychological body in the civilized world says otherwise, so what if it was a choice? It’s also a choice to wear a suit or to have your ears pierced, neither of which are “natural”. You don’t see anybody getting tossed into prison for that shit.
The president said he had a particular problem with oral sex.
“One of the cultures that we detest is oral sex. The mouth is for picking food, not for sex. We know the address for sex. That address (the mouth) is not for sex,” he said. “The mouth is for eating not for sex. The mouth is engineered for kissing.”
The irony of using hands, which were not “engineered” for typing, to write out his statements eluded the President.
As for gay oral sex, he said the health risks were appalling.
“It is not healthy. You can contract STD (sexually transmitted diseases). You push the mouth there, you can come back with worms and they enter your stomach because that is a wrong address. You can also contract Hepatitis B,” he said.
After hearing this statement, police in Uganda began jailing straight couples because man/woman intercourse can result in STDs. What’s more, lesbians were set free since their rate of contracting STDs is significantly lower than those who engage in man/woman intercourse. Thankfully Museveni caught this in time to remind law enforcement officials that this line of reasoning was only a bullshit excuse to make gay people miserable for biblical reasons.
The point is that people must be kept safe from homosexuals spreading STDs, so they must be locked up for life. When asked about what will happen to all the gay people who have always practiced responsible sex and haven’t made a mistake that many Christians have made, and are STD free, President Museveni said they will also be jailed because you can never be too careful. When it was pointed out to the President that plenty of straight people have STDs and asked what he planned to do about straight people’s potential for spreading them, the President responded, “meh.”
He said homosexuality in Uganda has been “provoked by the arrogant and careless Western groups that are coming in our schools and recruiting homosexuals into homosexuality and lesbianism”.
You have gay people confused with missionaries. They are the ones going into schools and recruiting people. Gay people could give a shit less who someone loves.
“Initially I have not paid attention to it because I was busy with the immediate issues of defence, security, electricity, the roads,” the president said.
Stand by for how gay people are fucking those up too.
“When finally, when I concentrated my mind on it, I distilled three problems: number one, those who are promoting homosexuality and recruiting normal people to it. Secondly, as a consequence of number one, many of those recruited, are doing so for mercenary reasons. To get money. In effect, homosexual prostitutes. These mercenary homosexual prostitutes have to be punished. Just like those who are recruiting them,” he explained.
Remember, this guy thinks a man rose from the dead 2,000 years ago, walked on water, and speaks to him today. Once you’ve got that idea going, the idea that some men want to spend their life holding hands with another man for money might seem perfectly reasonable by comparison.
“Number three, homosexuals exhibiting themselves. Exhibition of homosexuals, advertising yourself that you are homosexual.”
Yes, for the crime of being yourself you will pay dearly. As for people who express their attraction to big butts, blue eyes, purple dresses, and anything else…well, express that all you like. But if you like big biceps and you don’t have a vagina, you’d best pretend to be somebody you’re not. If you think prison in Uganda is bad, wait until Jesus gets a hold of you. We super moral people who throw citizens into prison when they haven’t hurt anybody will be laughing our asses off at your eternal suffering, because we’re the ones who deserve paradise in god’s eyes.
Museveni warned critics of the law not to push the country on the matter.
“I advise friends from the West not to make this an issue because if they make it an issue the more they will lose,” he said. “This is social imperialism. To impose social values of one group on our society.
…said the man who signed a bill imposing a purely Christian social value on everybody in his society.
“I would advise Western countries, this is a no-go area,” he said. “I don’t mind being in a collision course with the West. I am prepared.”
Yes, because Uganda is doing so well for itself. Oh, all those starving people even with international assistance pouring into Uganda? That just shows what homosexuality is doing to the country.
*ahem* Yoweri Museveni is a man corrupted by his Christian faith into a callous, posturing, cruel, proud, stupid son of a bitch. His power is afforded to him by a country full of people similarly twisted.