John Piper Excommunitweets Hamburgers (& Other Weird News)

I was on vacation all last week and tried to stay as unplugged as possible – and this is what I come home to. John Piper excommunitweeting hamburgers. And other weird stuff. Oy vey. From Micah J. Murray:

I never planned to write about these sorts of things. But then, I never expected to see a collection of such remarkably bizarre news stories all in one week. (We’ll return to our regularly scheduled programming on Monday. Or Tuesday. Whatever.)

This is the stuff of parody accounts and satire sites, the sort of thing that just can’t possibly be real. Except, they are. Brace yourself.

1. John Piper Farewells Burger King Over LGBT-Friendly Whoppers

Three years after making “Farewell” a verb on Twitter with his (in)famous “Farewell Rob Bell” tweet, the prominent neo-Puritan theologian / Christian hedonist has now been forced to say a tearful goodbye to Burger King as well.

Apparently serving charbroiled slabs of animal byproduct slathered in mayonnaise was ok, but selling this so-called “food” in a wrapper supporting gay marriage (not to be confused with Macklemore, who is also a rapper supporting gay marriage) is a moral line that that Mr. Piper is unwilling to cross. (If you wonder why, this is the shot from the last five seconds of the video that shall make you weep.)

Screen-Shot-2014-07-06-at-6.41.59-PM

I suppose it’s not uncommon to call for boycotts of various theologians, organizations, and restaurants based on your political and religious views, but John Piper’s “Goodbye” has a sort of tender sadness toward Burger King that transcends your average boycott. It whispers of a close friendship too soon forced to an end, a tragic farewell, one last plaintive word spoken between a man and his burger joint as they’re forced to part ways.

After the Great Chik-fil-a Debacle of 2012, I didn’t expect that we would so soon be again forced to choose our allegiances to fast-food corporations according to our stances on gay marriage. Though if we are, I have to admit that the anti-gay-marriage folks got the better end of that deal, culinarily speaking.

Micah also has breaking updates about Lecrae, Katy Perry, and Tyler Perry. Again, oy vey.

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About Zach Hoag

Zach J. Hoag is a writer and missional minister from notoriously non-religious New England. He blogs here at Patheos and HuffPost Religion. His book, Nothing but the Blood: The Gospel According to Dexter, released in 2012. Most importantly he binge-watches TV dramas and plays in the snow with his family.

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