In the words of a great and wise man:

"Screw you guys, I'm going home."

I'm taking a hiatus from UF for a while. Probably be back at some point, but I'm not in the right frame of mind for it, and frankly it's been slowly grinding me down for a few weeks/months. I might start my own blog up again, I don't know.

Take care, folks. See you on the flippity flip.

Kodie, I would have used Let me google that for you. http://lmgtfy.com/

Its way gentler snark and its animated too so I think that helps.

But now I know why there's a slightly soapy taste when I eat a burrito at this 24 hour mexican place near work. (and I don't have to worry anymore that they are serving bad meat, so yay!)

My friend is insanely creative in the digital visual arts, and excels at photography and graphic design. Also an expert tailor and accomplished worker in semiprecious metals and gemstones. There is competence to burn in these areas.

In writing, not so much. And that's a terrible problem when you self-publish. The novel was the first sample of prose that I had encountered from this particular person, and it was a bit of a shock.

If and when I give criticism, it will be constructive- no other sort of criticism is useful- but it's going to require a point-by-point tear-down of the manuscript and a frank discussion of what the problems are and how to fix them. I'm able to step back and be (reasonably) objective when this is done to my own writing. I have not engaged my friend in this sort of literary discussion before, so I'm in the dark as to how it will be received. And that's the big unknown.

Maybe I can be more useful (and less threatening) if I get a crack at the second novel manuscript before it goes up for sale on Amazon. That's a better point to intervene and suggest course corrections- and probably a much better point to initiate a discussion, because until the moment it actually goes on sale, a manuscript is generally conceded to be a draft that is subject to revision. The problem with diddling with the first novel is that it's been live in the Kindle store for six months and the needed revisions will alter the structure of the narrative drastically. I'm not proposing to change the story itself (that is definitely not my call), but telling it effectively is going to make it read like a different book. Some writers can accept this sort of feedback and grow in their mastery of the craft, and others can't.

Maybe I need to become more mercenary and start charging for reviewing manuscripts. It's surprising how much less personally people take constructive criticism if they're paying for it. Hell, professional proofreaders make something like a couple of bucks a page, and they're just checking spelling, punctuation and grammar without regard to narrative structure.

Have you read any of their other stuff before this? Or have you experienced any of their other talents/hobbies before? This would give you a good idea of how to approach it. There are some people who have very little talent but are convinced that they do. I have a lot of experience with those people and I handle it by...avoiding the topic at all costs.
This was a very insightful article: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2Kk0QQ/www.sfgate.com/news/article/Incompetent-People-Really-Have-No-Clue-Studies-2783375.php/
People who lack competence often lack the same skills that would let them know they lack competence.

The other issue might be that this person is usually very good at what they do, and so they're sort of assuming that it's awesome because someone else told them it was. Still, that doesn't seem very likely, since it's much more likely that a talented individual thinks their work is much worse than it actually is.

Try to give them some constructive criticism like "I really liked this part, but I think it could have been a little better if you _____"
Do some of that if you can't avoid it. It probably won't help much, but it's the best thing you can do. And then later when he tells you it never got published, just look really disappointed for him.

Hmmm. If they know it's awful, why would they put it up for sale and promise two sequels? It's supposed to be the first book in a trilogy, and the obliviousness about the quality of the first one bodes ill.

Everything I know about writing was deliberately and often painfully acquired. The first thing I learned is that you have to grow a thick skin if you are serious about becoming a competent and successful author, and the second thing I learned was that not everybody can set aside their ego and do that. In the case of my friend, I'd say the chances are at best fifty-fifty. And as I have just found out, the manuscript was "edited" by another friend who A) doesn't have any editorial skills and B) would never actually criticize a friend's work. I.e., completely unqualified for the task.

The book needs some really tough love. I'm in the position of having to tell not one but two people that their beloved baby is both ugly and brain-damaged, and trying not to sound like an asshole.

Independent e-publishing is both a wonderful and a terrible thing. In the bygone days of traditional print publishing, you couldn't get out of the starting gate with a manuscript in the shape that this one is in. Old-style publishing houses were full of professional editors and proofreaders that you couldn't do an end-run around. Today, no one is stopping you from putting whatever you want up for sale- no one will require you to run so much as a spell-check, let alone demand that it be edited and proofread and brought up to at least a minimal level of quality. The free market at its finest.

I think I'm going to stay silent as long as I possibly can while I ponder the dilemma. Right now I can't see either of us walking away from a discussion of this book without scars.

@Ursa: I think it depends on your friend's temperament. It may well be that they know it's awful and are looking for someone to tell them what they're doing wrong and how to fix it. I'm like that myself, but then again I'm a freak. Or on the other hand they might not be willing to hear any real criticism. Although I suspect that if they asked you to read it that they're looking for at least some real feedback. My suggestion would be to start slowly and judge how far to go by their reaction. Start with something gentle along the lines of, "Well, I think it needs some work," and pick one thing to talk about, perhaps the extraneous detail. If they respond positively, then you can move on to other issues, one at a time. You just stop and drop the subject at the point they start to get a bit defensive.

That's how I'd handle it, but then again my interpersonal skills aren't the best in the world, so you should probably take my advice with a grain of salt.

Aaaaargh!

So I downloaded this novel that a friend of mine self-published, with the intent of reviewing it.

Absolutely awful. I got through the prologue and the first two chapters before I had to put it down. It reads like a first draft from NaNoWriMo. I think there may be a story in there somewhere, but it's buried under leaden prose, malapropisms, spelling and grammar errors, baffling tense shifts, bad punctuation and a relentless, heavy-handed emphasis on Things The Reader Doesn't Need to Know (and Certainly Doesn't Care About). The haphazard paragraph formatting is perhaps the nicest thing about it. One must admire the Zen randomness of the indents.

I don't want to be a soul-crushing naysayer, I don't want to lie, and I don't think I can find something bland and non-committal to say about the book. I am, frankly, astonished that the author thought it was ready for publication. It needs major surgery. Am I doomed to avoid the subject forever when we're around each other, for the sake of the friendship? "What did I think of the book? Well, I haven't gotten all the way through it yet but...oh, look! Isn't that Halley's Comet?"

20/10=2

Was she cloned?

I'm not a veggiesexual, so I have no opinion on the attractiveness of polyploid strawberries. My attention is directed to a whole different class of fruit.

Polyploidic strawberries are hot, so it's not totally crazy.

Not unless there was a mitotic spindle failure resulting in tetraploidy.

Now she is a 20/10.

Mitosis?

Another problem, except that this problem is a puerile non-issue really.

A few years ago I knew a very beautiful girl who was interested in me. She was a 9/10. She asked me out, but because she was involved in a lot of arguments with shady gang-type people which attracted trouble and universally reviled in my sixth form I hesitated in accepting her offer and told her I would wait a day, even though we got along very well. I think she respected me because I was the only one in the school that didn't speak to her in an antagonistic manner. The day after she asked me out, she caused an unrelated riot in my sixth form and was expelled. I never spoke to her much after that.

Fast forward to now and she's just popped up again. She's just come back on Facebook again, and has posted up new pictures of herself. Remember when I said she was a 9/10 back when I was in sixth form? Now she is a 20/10. She's even more outrageously beautiful than before. I should have really taken her up on her offer back then. I am filled with mild regret. Obviously I'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend or even contact her, but sometimes monogamy really sucks.

Sorry, this isn't really much of a problem, but I just need to vent my relationship frustrations. It's a hormonal young man thing, I suppose.

It turns out that infectious bass line belonged to a band called Cream in their song, "Sunshine of Your Love".

I love that song.

That isn't it, but thanks for introducing me to it as it is an amazing song! I'm starting to get really into 60s/70s music. I've always heard that song, but never looked it up until now.

It turns out that infectious bass line belonged to a band called Cream in their song, "Sunshine of Your Love".

And there's a bend to the E string on the 10th fret. I had to send this tab around to a few people before one of them just went and got his guitar and played it and then recognised the rhythm. So that sorts out one of my problems!

Hmmmm. Right band, wrong song? "Don't you want somebody to love?" maybe?

When the truth is found
To be lies

And all the joy
Within you dies

Don't you want somebody to love?
Don't you need somebody to love?
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?

Got pretty much no money in my bank account and no job. It's been like this since mid November. I'm pretty much walking everywhere to my interviews, even if they're halfway across London. Being a graduate sucks. Now in between sending off a billion CVs/resumes, I'm just loitering on Facebook annoying everyone with my superior sense of humour. Man, even I think I'm annoying. I need something to keep me occupied; a lack of studying and no work does my head in.

Also, I've had a bass rhythm stuck in my head for days. I can play it on the guitar, but I've forgotten what it is called. At first I thought it was 'White Rabbit' By Jefferson Airplane, but it isn't. It goes: "do do do do deedeedeedee dee do do". If no one can tell what it is, I might upload a video of me playing it, for some of you people who grew up in the 1960s/70s to ascertain it.

If anyone understands tab, I've tabbed it out roughly how I play it.:

G---------------------------------------------------------
D----9-9-7-9----------------------------------------------
A------------9-8-7----------------------------------------
E------------------7-10-7---------------------------------

I'm pretty sure I'm playing it way too high from the original song, but honestly, I have no idea what I'm playing. I want to hear the rest of the song! And this is an incredibly odd thing for the Google search engines to handle, so much help would be appreciated.

On nights. Had to hand over to the world's most gaping arsehole today, who actually shouted at me, in front of patients, for leaving nursing jobs for her to do. Because it's not good enough that I worked through my breaks on a twelve and a half hour shift, I should have got more done in order to avoid leaving work for the day team who have half the patients/twice the staff. Then I came home to bed, and some utter bastard has parked their crappy Integra with its crappy after-market alarm right outside my bedroom window, so forget sleep, that ain't happening, and I have to go back tonight and take handover from world's most gaping arsehole again, who is senior to me, and I just know she's going to push me until I lose my temper.

I could go for some N.Carolina right now. This week, Lake Michigan dumped well over a foot of snow on my town. I had to clear off 4 inches from my car to leave work today, and it's still coming down. Parts of the highways were closed today due to so many accidents. And though we complain about it, we are not allowed to wuss out and not go about our daily business. I'd prefer mass panic and everybody stays home.

The English don't hold the monopoly on that. I'm currently living in North Carolina, and this part of the state get a day or so of snow most winters, the local government is actually pretty well prepared so all the roads except for the most minor ones such as the internal roads inside apartment complexes are usually cleared within a couple of hours and still every time people react like this is the first time this happened and they're going to be buried under a mile of snow for months.

I take it you're English? Our national inability to cope with a light dusting of snow embarasses me severely.

We had about 10 minutes of light snow that barely survived on the ground last week, massive panic ensued.

Here it's rather lovely outside, in losing-my-fingers-to-frostbite sort of way. 12 degrees F, -11 C, and lots of light fluffy white stuff falling courtesy of the Lake Ontario snow-making machine.

Yesterday's hazard for outdoor travelers was a combination of frostbite and sunburn, since it was bitterly cold but quite sunny. And if you order now, we'll thrown in a case of snow blindness absolutely free!

Groundhog Day is coming up. They say if he sees his shadow, we will have six more weeks of winter. I say we should seal the little bugger in his den, just to be on the safe side.

I don't have a car, so I'm still allowed to love snow.
But it's 8 degrees outside with a windchill of -5. I have to walk to work in a little bit here...I don't wanna!!!
I grew up in Alaska and it got down to -40. I don't even remember what that felt like. Just really, really, really cold. I'm much more of a wimp now.

The snow in England starts about a mile North of my house, so I'm unaffected other than my commute to work - Which is littered with very bent and dinged cars wrapped in police tape. Bit scary since it's normally a very fast road.

I hate the snow.

Yes, it is beautiful outside. Brilliant white pristine crystalline landscape and what-not. Even sun and blue skies. But my heart is hard and frozen and I don't care.

It is -2F (-18.8C) outside, and there are 10 inches (25.4 cm) of snow on the ground and it took twice the time to drive to work this morning because the roads are super-slick and salt won't work on them in these temps. And I hate hate hate driving in the snow and ice.

I think some self reflection is in order.

Jesus fucking a, man. Only one person is allowed to be annoyed?

Is there any particular reason you've been following every one of my comments with (what I will charitably call) snark, Kodie? It is starting to grate. Actually, that's not true: It started to grate a while ago. It's climbed a few notches on the annoyance heirarchy since then.

Same reason the is a discussion about "a hierarchy of food and particular breakfast pastries".

And because some of us are 'Mericans, and no Merican is complete without oppressing others with his/her opinions.