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1. 

   Kodie
   Member

   I would like to break this down over emails or something and get into the details of stuff. I got a stalker. He's not really - I don't think - violent. He's just relentlessly been hounding me for the last 24 years, trying to contact me, trying to contact me through other people who know me, has never once heard back, and decided to settle it on peoplefinder and wrote me a letter. So yeah, he knows where I live now.

   There are very good reasons I never wrote back - he's egotistical and jealous, whiny, blame-shifting, and creeps me out. I used to be his girlfriend back in high school and part way through college, and flushed the toilet on that relaish when he contacted everyone in my dorm to find someone to leave me a note because I was out of my room for a few hours. (That is just a taste of the lengths he will go). Still he never said he was sorry, or ever realized what an asshole he is. As far as I can tell, he is more of the same. The wording of the letter, the brief content circling around his difficult quest to find me and little else. His facebook rants and private matters public: oh yes, I can see you but you can't see me, like that?

   Anyway, I got to make this stop, in clear certain terms, without divulging any personal feelings or information. It's so hard to stop once I'm on a roll, I really want to lay into him. I am afraid that if I contact him directly (2 phone numbers, an email, and a snail mail), he will try to parlay that into something it won't ever be, and really won't get through to him. He also has my home address and there is a small chance he will do something drastic and harassing but probably not violent. I think he thinks he's a character in a movie, where strange wild gestures are applauded and not considered wack-a-doo, and that no means yes, not rapey, but "Cease and Desist" means "drive up to surprise me at my apartment" because he hasn't once entertained the thought that I might actually be glad he's not in my life. He implied that I may be happily married and "can't" talk to him "anymore" from which I know he is thinking if I am unattached or unhappily married (as he seems to be venting about, miserably, that he's tried so hard... pretty disgusting) that I would just jump at the chance. Why I haven't called him back in 24 years is so as not to upset my jealous husband, of course, but I should secretly contact him and let him know anyway. Also, "waiting patiently" to hear from me. Also, signing off "Love,"

   What shall I do?

   Ignoring it has only made him bother people close to me - but he hasn't done anything illegal. I would not hesitate to call the police if I saw him on my street.

   EDIT: http://www.patheos.com/forums/unreasonablefaith/topic.php?id=916&page=39#post-48323 refers to this problem.

   Posted 5 months ago #
2. 

   Nzo
   Member

   I could help with what to say, but as far as contact method, I really don't have a clear enough idea of what you want to be able to suggest anything.

   Posted 5 months ago #
3. 

   Kodie
   Member

   I want him to stop contacting me, or stop thinking it's something I want. I think most people take a hint when you never write back or call. He seems to think nobody is passing along the messages or consider that they're complying with my wishes. That is how he views the world. If I told you all the things he'd done, and how he's not at fault ever, you might get an idea. All these years, he's just got some idea that the only reason I might not write back is that I had no idea he has ever thought of me or tried to get in touch, that nobody told me, or bizarrely, that I may be so happily married that I dare not jeopardize the relationship by contacting an old boyfriend. You know how people hate drama? He is drama.

   I don't want to call. I was going to write "Cease and Desist" on the back of his letter and send it back. Does that seem like something to do? I don't want to email and give him another way of contacting me, even if it's a throwaway email. I had a laugh at his facebook profile and blocked him and had my sister block him. He's the primary reason I don't use my real name on facebook or anywhere on the internet. My mom sold her house so she's not going to be at the one steady phone number anymore. It could just go away but now he knows I know he knows where I live. Anything weird can happen now. Explaining to him in no uncertain terms exactly why I consider him a negative would just be too many things he would read into it and hope. I don't know if he pines for me or just got nostalgic again or what, but I do know he was adding a bunch of people from high school once he got on facebook, and got asking at least one of them if they heard from me. The language in the letter itself sounds creepy, the words he chooses for how many people in my life he's been tracking to get some peep out of me all these years.

   That has to stop. I have ideas but I'm not socially adjusted too well myself, and don't know what I want to do is a sound idea. It's like that thing where you write the letter you want to blow off some steam, and then burn it, then what do you put in the letter for real? I want to keep ignoring it, but I don't think that's getting through to him, and he just feels free to bother everyone.

   I really feel like I want to talk about all the stuff he did, he's a real piece of work. He seems to remember these things differently than I do.

   Posted 5 months ago #
4. 

   Yoav
   Member

   Do you have any lawyer friends? Maybe you can get them to write him a Cease and Desist , you never know maybe an official sounding letter will finally get through to him. If he doesn't get the message call the cops, better safe then sorry.

   Posted 5 months ago #
5. 

   Nzo
   Member

   Well, there's quite a few ways of doing this - Yoav suggested a good one.

   *There's also social justice, where you write up a story about your stalker, and send it to everyone he knows.

   *There's internet justice, where you find a place full of white-knights, give them his info, and let 'em go wild.

   *If you don't want to contact him directly, pay an off-duty cop to call him. (or someone pretending to be - someone that sounds mean)

   If you want to write something short and sweet:

   "I do not want to talk to you, (name). Not now, not ever. What you're doing is called "stalking", I don't like it, and I want you to stop. Stay out of my life."

   Something along those lines.

   Posted 5 months ago #
6. 

   dutchhobbit
   Member

   I like the social justice one. However, I would maybe send it to a newspaper. However, knowing the internet, I think people might take it too far. You really shouldn't trust people like that imo.

   Posted 5 months ago #
7. 

   Kodie
   Member

   I was going to do the social justice one for the guy who owes me money, put an ad in his local paper, but those things always backfire on me. I know some pretty bad people, people.

   Thinking of writing a letter to his mother if that wouldn't be equally creepy on my part, these are the ideas I'm coming up with and I don't think they're optimal. I don't think he's afraid of police. Ideally, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of avoiding the blame like he likes to do - thinking a scare would make him feel more justified than ever to overcome the separation. I don't think I'm wrong to suppose he still likes to romanticize an obstacle like that. Goddamn, it's so easy to think like a stalker when you know one! What will stop him? He's so fucking dense, it's unbelievable.

   Posted 5 months ago #
8. 

   Mark the Pilgrim
   Member

   Kodie, please get some legal advice on this matter. Or at least bring it to the attention of your local police department. His individual actions might not amount to the crime of harassment, but collectively they might. And don't bother going to internet white knights for that type of stuff. A lot of the time they'll either accuse you of bringing it on yourself (some subdued sexism, maybe?), troll both of you hard or do something so extreme to the guy that it might make you liable.

   I know you already suggested this, but if I were in your situation I'd make a new email account and send him a severely worded email telling him to back away and suggesting the possibility of legal action being taken against him. You don't need to keep up a correspondence with him. Send him once so you have proof to the authorities you have told him to back down.

   Posted 5 months ago #
9. 

   Custador
   Moderator

   Dox him and Personal Army request on /b/.
   Hilarity ensues.

   Posted 5 months ago #
10. 

    Mark the Pilgrim
    Member

    ^
    inb4 /b/ troll her back to the stoneage.

    Posted 5 months ago #
11. 

    Kodie
    Member

    I've been getting a big kick out that show, Revenge. I don't have the money to hire Takeda, unfortunately. I will call the police, that seems like a good idea. I hope they don't laugh at me because he just wrote a letter. I called them one time before because I was trying to be helpful to a collections agent who called my number looking for someone I don't know and who doesn't live here, and threatened me on my answering machine a second call later for lying that I didn't know her or how to get in touch with her, and the police took it pretty seriously. Is my life weird or does this sort of stuff happen to everyone sometimes?

    Posted 5 months ago #
12. 

    drax
    Member

    Type a letter saying all you want to say. email it to a trusted friend, preferably one who doesn't live near you now, and doesn't know this person. Also, include all the things you've said in the two threads pertaining to this person.

    Have your friend print out and mail all verbage to this person from where ever they live, and don't include a return address.

    If he can't get your intent from that, he never will.

    Posted 5 months ago #

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