I'm in a bit of a pickle. I was raised in the South, by a conservative Christian father and a liberal spiritual mother. My father's religious dominion, bi-polarity and dry alcoholism is the very cornerstone of the therapy bills in my early 20's. Now, I'm in my mid-30's. Years since, my mom & brother have been departed (integral issues as they are) so I took what I'd always wanted, guilt-free, and took my leave of my father's company afterward. Since I was the only one left that remembers the manipulation and use of scripture against us so he could punish, negate and magically 'rise above' most issues. I came out the shoot a spiritual-liberal. Now, I'm super pro-God but my understanding of God is far larger than any 'chosen channeled' words ever could be. We've been at odds since I could form sentences.
For my New Year's gift to myself, I sent one more 'letter'. THE letter. The response I got back was finally an acknowledging one and an apologetic one. All-encompassing apologetic. It almost seemed the apologies weren't fake or scripted specifically about some things and not about others. I was aghast. I know, full well, he's not become more liberal but more conservative. He vacillates between just being conservative Christian and fundamentalist when it serves him (often when I've become vulnerable and happy with him again, I get REALLY let down again). I'm raw. I'm twice-million bitten.
I don't know what to do, really. I got ANOTHER letter the next week with more 'Lord Jesus' and 'came to find my Father again' in descriptions of his life. I'm put off by the whole thing but - here's the kicker. In my quest to understand what Christianity was leaving out of our possibility with energy, physics & reality (some might call God) - I know that I create my reality. I know that to pull back out of fear is to keep myself safe and not allowing what could be (not sure what that is) from being. Ya dig?
I'm caught between a little girl's desire to finally have a relationship with a remaining family member and have it be moderately 'roses' and my remembrances of that when he knocks the dominoes down - they go HARD. Like, my brother killed himself 'hard'. You can't make this stuff up, people. I wanna think he could become more easy going about religion, I really do.
What I *NEED* a discussion on is this: How do you construct this game board? What does it look like? Can ya have a fake relationship with your pop & just never pretend that religion exists and just magically never bring it up again? That doesn't sound very sincere to me. Do I stay my ground, my parentless, liberal life that I've made for myself? Is there room for both? What in the world does that look like?
I know he's sincere about loving me, I get that. I get that he's sorry. I just feel that conservative Christians (as is true with ANY fundamentalist religious follower on this planet) reserve the right to dominate you, rat you out, turn you in, judge you or neglect you at seriously inopportune times because they believe 'that's what's right'. It ruined Christianity for me. My brother died eight years ago and that's the last we talked. There have been a few letters but they've just been unsuccessful. He just didn't get it. Maybe now he does. I dunno. We only talked a half dozen times before that since I was 20. So - this is a pretty big deal.
ok...now what? I am so grateful to stumble across this blog and am most grateful for any *real* advice that is offered. Thank you so much!
