My Favorite Homoerotic Bible Story

My Favorite Homoerotic Bible Story June 2, 2016


Oh, calm down, calm down – we aren’t implying anything torrid with this illustration! All we did was combine all of the passages that specifically refer to David and Jonathan’s special “relationship” into a single narrative (as found in 1 Samuel and 2 Samuel). The rest of those books are all about justifying wars and King Saul’s attempts to find and kill poor young David, the lowly son of their servant (Jesse) who had become inconveniently ‘knit to the soul’ of the son of the king. Oh…

After all of the (still to be deciphered) hate-mail we received for “promoting the LGBT agenda” with our first book, I’d just like to remind readers that we didn’t make this all up – it’s in the Bible. Because the book’s text appears so small in the online image, I’ll share the summarized scriptures below:

King Saul had a son named Jonathan and a servant named Jesse who had a son of his own, named David. When Jonathan and David first met, they were knit together at the soul. Because of their love for one another, they made a covenant. Jonathan removed his robe and gave it to David. He also gave his garments, even his sword, his bow, and his girdle to the son of his family’s servant.

King Saul became jealous of David’s success and blessings from the Lord and wanted him dead, tricking Jonathan into bringing David to him. When Saul tried to kill David, he escaped to live with Samuel and was able to evade more attempts on his life.

David returned to ask Jonathan, “What have I done wrong? Why is your father trying to kill me?” Jonathan replied, “This can’t be true! I can’t believe it!” David explained, “Your father knows very well that you have come to look favorably on me. He’ll kill me.”“I will do anything you want me to,” said Jonathan. Then Jonathan made David reaffirm his vow of love again, for Jonathan loved David as he loved his own soul.

David fled again. When Saul found out, he was very angry with Jonathan, saying, “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do you think I don’t know that you have chosen the son of our own servant to your own shame, and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness? Bring David to me – he is dead!”

When Jonathan asked his father, “Why do you want to kill David? What did he do wrong?,” the King threw his spear across the room and tried to kill his own son. Now knowing that his father desperately wanted to kill David, Jonathan became angry and left the table. He was so upset and angry with his father that he refused to eat any food.  His father had humiliated him and wanted to kill David.

David came out of hiding and bowed three times before Jonathan. They kissed one another, and wept one with another, until David exceeded. It was a very sad goodbye, especially for David. Jonathan said, “Go in peace. We have taken a vow in the Lord’s name that will bind us forever. You and me, your seed and my seed, together!” David rose and escaped Jonathan’s father again.

When David later heard about Jonathan’s death, he tore his clothes and cried – singing, “I weep for you, my brother Jonathan! Oh, how much I loved you! How wonderful was your love for me, far beyond the love from any woman!”   1 Samuel 18 – 2 Samuel 1

(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Obviously…)

Oh… Sure, if this were an Ang Lee film, it might be the making of an epic love story of star-crossed lovers, but – we’re not saying there was anything questionable about David and Jonathan’s Biblical Bro-mance! Boys will be boys, right? So what happened to David? The Lord continued to bless David and his new throne at King, preparing his ancestral lineage for the coming Messiah (later known as Jesus Christ).

Takeaway: It certainly doesn’t sound like God had a problem with David’s “love” for Jonathan, does it?

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amcb_v2_coverFor those interested, the specific reference to kissing one another until David “exceeded” is directly out of the King James Version – 1 Samuel 20:41

As always, don’t blame me – it’s in the Bible!
Awkward Moments (Not Found In Your Average) Children’s Bible – Vol #2.

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