![\"Bethel](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/124\/2015\/07\/Bethel-Church.jpg\")
Autumn: \u00a0One of the big questions I had for how Christians do magic is, how can they possibly balance the energy of large groups like the one in Bethel? \u00a0If you\u2019re going to move energy for healing or for whatever purpose, it\u2019s my understanding that the energy has to be contained, focused, and directed, requiring large-scale coordination. \u00a0You have a large number of people who haven\u2019t really studied any of the prerequisites I have found necessary to create a solid container. \u00a0\u00a0There are no anchors, there is no circle cast. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0With essentially random people coming in without even a basic briefing on what to do at the beginning, how could they achieve the various forms of divination and healing work that Annika described to me? \u00a0I think Christians would say that Jesus does it, but my experience suggests that divine influence on these things is only one part of the equation. \u00a0How does what they are doing create the space for that?<\/em><\/p>\n Annika: When Autumn asked me about how charismatic Christians create a container, her question didn\u2019t really make sense to me. In the past I had always perceived the energy during worship as ecstatic, beautiful, and completely safe. It was such a comfortable experience to just lose myself in worship, so this whole idea of containment, which I came to appreciate in Pagan rituals, seemed irrelevant with respect to Christian worship.<\/p>\n Autumn: This roughly 45 minute worship\/music bit at the beginning was my first opportunity to see how it worked. \u00a0At first, my shields were up, and while I could see the mechanics as I mentioned in part 1, other than a vague sense of energy moving somewhere, I wasn\u2019t really perceiving the energy. \u00a0But this is what I was here to learn about, and so despite my fear, I started to open up a bit to sense what was going on. \u00a0Frankly, the power of what was happening was astonishing. \u00a0In my own personal perception of magic, this was orange energy \u2014 the sense of the color orange coming from the entire crowd \u2014 directed upwards toward the stage and \u2026 well, probably to Jesus, was exceptionally powerful. \u00a0Ordinarily I only sense energy that strongly at the peak of workings involving 30-50 people such as at a public Pagan gathering, so to see this much energy flowing continuously was pretty surprising. \u00a0The color was also unusual; my perception of Pagan rituals is that orange is rare; more frequently I perceive purple, blue, green, and sometimes red or yellow.<\/em><\/p>\n Annika: Praise and worship always felt like such an orange experience to me. Even when I was a child I felt like the room filled with an orange light whenever we worshipped, and I loved it. As I got older, I longed for more diversity in color, specifically purple, blue, and green. I remember saying to my husband at the time \u201cI wish there was more purple, blue, and green in our worship. If I ever figure out a way to make this happen, I will write a book called \u2018God is Purple, Blue, and Green.\u2019\u201d He thought I was crazy.<\/p>\n This time I was ready to reunite with some orange energy again. I get plenty of purple, blue, and green in Pagan rituals, and was excited for the warmness and \u201cfloatiness\u201d of orange. I wanted to be open to the experience just as if I was still a Christian, so I didn\u2019t put up any shields. I opened and felt into the orange energy, wondering if I could fully enter it even though the \u00a0message of the songs was so alienating. But something was wrong.<\/p>\n Autumn: As I opened to sensing the energy, I suddenly felt it tugging on the edges of my energy field, threatening to rip it off and carry it away. \u00a0The sensation was pretty strong, and a few tears welled up in my eyes as that orange color washed over me like the rapids of a river. \u00a0Whoa there! \u00a0A little too open, maybe. \u00a0I re-grounded myself, pushing my roots down deep so I could stand in that torrent, still able to perceive it but no longer in danger of being swept away by the current. \u00a0Now, fully grounded, I could safely see where the energy was going and what was happening without having to be afraid of it.<\/em><\/p>\n Annika: As much as I wanted to dive into the flow, the energy felt aggressive to me, like it was going to tear down my own energy body before I could experience it. It seemed like the energy would reverse the triple soul alignment I practice as a part of my spiritual path. I wasn\u2019t going to experience this energy with my own energy body intact and if I allowed it in, it would take me away from myself. I became angry. This was invasive, like tentacles reaching for me, trying to take over. I still didn\u2019t shield, I just held on to my own energy.<\/p>\n Autumn: \u00a0As I stood in that torrent, I gained some clarity on the purpose of all this. \u00a0\u00a0The underlying subtext of what they were chanting was \u201cI am nothing, Jesus is everything\u201d. \u00a0Their own personal power to make things work in the world needed to be given up to Jesus. \u00a0And so the power they were channeling into the prayer service was not as I had been taught, drawn from the Earth and Sky, but intentionally depleting their personal power and energy. \u00a0That was the work they were doing, attempting to essentially divorce themselves of their own power, hand it to Jesus, and be completely open and empty as an end to itself. \u00a0I wondered, is that the state they consider to be pure and divinely inspired? \u00a0Is their human ability to love other people, to care about things besides Jesus and their worship, to even have a body and enjoy moving around in it, just in the way? \u00a0\u00a0Magically, it began to make sense how this worked \u2014 you don\u2019t need to balance everyone\u2019s energy if the first thing you do is exhort everyone to give it all up and shoot it off into space.<\/em><\/p>\n Annika:I had been so excited to come here and lose myself in that orange energy again, but now it didn\u2019t feel appealing anymore. I felt the disappointment wash over me. There was such lightness and bliss in losing oneself in that orange torrent, but I had never realized the cost. I didn\u2019t know who I was back then, in fact, I wasn\u2019t supposed to know, my identity was supposed to be in Jesus alone. Nowadays I know who I am, and I worked hard to come to a place where I like myself. I wasn\u2019t going to give that up in order to join in worship.<\/p>\n Autumn: Toward the end of the musical part, there were a few folks dancing and moving around. \u00a0My sense of what was going on though was\u2026 well. \u00a0It\u2019s really hard to say this because it feels as though I\u2019m judging. \u00a0But it did not feel authentically from them \u2014 it felt like maybe random muscle twitching or some sort of forced \u201crandom looking\u201d movements. \u00a0In a witch\u2019s circle, where everyone is trying to express themselves authentically, no matter how someone moves, I don\u2019t tend to get that sense. \u00a0(Even people who are \u2018trying too hard\u2019, clearly show that and that is authentic in its own way.) \u00a0People in that gymnasium seemed so empty of anything that was theirs \u2014 whether intellect, emotion, or spirit. \u00a0\u00a0Yet it didn\u2019t look like people were aspecting Jesus or even in their Fetch \u2014 there was just emptiness. \u00a0\u00a0The sense was of a hall of mirrors where everyone was trying to reflect everyone else but there was very little there to actually reflect. \u00a0And again, while I feel like this is judging, it actually seemed intentional.<\/em><\/p>\n Annika: As I watched people dance, tears came into my eyes. So many memories. The lightness, the carefreeness, that sense of floating outside of myself, blissful disassociation. And now the sweetness and purity of those experiences were being re-written. It was painful to endure. Grief at the loss, anger at the deception, and gratitude for my new life, all tied in a bundle of emotions that threatened to overwhelm me.<\/p>\n I thought about the time I played music at a conference with Tony Campolo<\/a> as the main speaker. After I left the stage, he started his sermon by asking if anyone ever goes out to find themselves and comes back claiming that they did. He meant it as a rhetorical question deriding the whole concept, and the conference attendees laughed. I didn\u2019t. I was so upset by the question that I went outside and agonized over it. That day I decided that I would prove him wrong, and I did. I found myself. And just as a person who finds the pearl of great price (Matthew 13:45), I knew I would give up everything for it, including the purity of my memories, and these experiences of worship.<\/p>\n Autumn: Immediately after the music bit, out came the offering bowls. \u00a0This was the first part of what was going on that I felt was unambiguously a bad idea. \u00a0In the Reclaiming tradition, we would consider it unethical to have a ritual dedicated for almost an hour to shedding our personal power followed by taking people\u2019s money. \u00a0It would be like having the last gate at a Descent of Inanna ritual being \u201cAnd now, it is time to hand over your wallet. \u00a0The ways of the underworld are perfect, and must not be questioned, don\u2019tchaknow?\u201d \u00a0Well, worse than that actually: \u00a0in the story of Inanna, she returns to power. \u00a0Whereas this Christian service seemed to be a one-way trip to dis-empowerment.<\/em><\/p>\n Annika: When they brought out the offering bowls, I was angry at how manipulative that was. I would have resented that even back when I was a Christian. Whether it is an honoring of Jesus, as I used to see it, or a giving up of personal power, as I think of it now, worship is never<\/i> meant to be a setup for eliciting money from people. Taking financial advantage of people when their energy is altered through praise and worship is anathema<\/i>.<\/p>\n Autumn: \u00a0As the flow of energy subsided, the offering bowls were withdrawn and the sermon began. I was again reminded of an Apple keynote speech as the preacher walked onto the stage, surrounded by darkness and flanked by huge glowing screens, to a simple, glass podium with a disposable bottle of water sitting close at hand. \u00a0And so the crowd settled in. \u00a0The topic of the sermon was how to be in the world despite the fear of how others thought of you, and how to deal with that fear. \u00a0Of course like many of us, I\u2019ve experienced it, too: \u00a0how can I be myself in the world that doesn\u2019t always accept and appreciate me? \u00a0Especially when I have felt extremely dis-empowered, the idea of being out in the world and speaking my truth was terrifying. \u00a0So I found it really fascinating that after everyone\u2019s personal power had been blasted off into space that he clearly was going to speak of how to be confident in the world.<\/em><\/p>\n Annika: The sermon started out really good and I was surprised. After the offering fiasco, I was expecting a disaster of a give-us-money pep talk, but instead the preacher spoke of what we call \u201crightsizedness\u201d in Reclaiming. \u201cWe either hide or we perform\u201d, he said. We either make ourselves too small, or we blow ourselves up too big, but either way, we are not at our right size. This sounded like a sermon on empowerment, which was surprising and ironic given the worship-time-turned-money-drive. I started scribbling notes, confused, wondering if I had been too harsh in my judgment.<\/p>\n Autumn: \u00a0I can recall during that early part of the sermon exchanging approving glances with Annika. \u00a0The preacher\u2019s approach to this challenge of being authentic started out in a way I could take in. \u00a0And, I can agree that focusing too much on the fear of being misunderstood or misrepresented can lead to the silencing of one\u2019s voice, which segued into how he felt people should deal with that fear. \u00a0But things went pear-shaped for me shortly after that. \u00a0The preacher emphasized overpowering rejection through a personal relationship with God. \u00a0In particular, he exhorted us to \u201cbe an object of His love.\u201d<\/em> \u00a0How can you love an object, I wondered? \u00a0Love is not a projection, it is a relationship. \u00a0I can be in loving relationship with trees, plants, even my beat-up old Mac laptop, but only if I don\u2019t treat them as lifeless objects. \u00a0But I suppose it makes sense in the context of the magic they are doing: \u00a0by stripping oneself of all personal agency and power, they are becoming \u201cobjects\u201d. \u00a0Of course, the reality is that these people are not objects, so to maintain this illusion such services have to be repeated at regular intervals.<\/em><\/p>\n Annika: \u201cThe only way I would care about what people think of me is because I doubt what God thinks of me. I make that choice!\u201d \u2013 Wait, what? The preacher just said that?<\/p>\n What started out like a speech on empowerment turned into a sermon on willpower, without ever identifying it as such. If you don\u2019t feel empowered, it\u2019s because you don\u2019t trust Jesus enough. You need to stop doubting. Only Jesus can empower you. Stop trying. You have to trust more. Stop trying so hard. Just trust. Why aren\u2019t you trusting more? It\u2019s no wonder you feel miserable, you\u2019re trying too hard, so stop already and let Jesus do the work. Try harder to not try. You\u2019re still trying too hard, try harder to stop trying, or else Jesus can\u2019t fulfill and empower you! This theme was repeated for 45 minutes.<\/p>\n This was something I was familiar with. The power of will, so prominent in Evangelicalism. It\u2019s the crazy-making cognitive dissonance between being told that you are simultaneously trying too hard (it\u2019s all by grace alone), and not trying hard enough (if it\u2019s not working, well, it\u2019s not God\u2019s fault, is it?).<\/p>\n Autumn: \u00a0During the remainder of the sermon, I know I went through a number of camera-worthy expressions of confusion, horror, and outright incredulousness at how someone could simultaneously tell people to let things happen, but if they didn\u2019t happen a certain way, that it was their own fault. \u00a0The preacher gave a few examples of how this technique had worked with people he taught or preached to in the past, but by this time, I was getting pretty bored at the hammering of this theme. \u00a0I instead checked out the giant countdown clock over the control booth (they have a control booth?!) and waited for it to approach zero.<\/em><\/p>\n Annika: I kept glancing at the countdown clock, bursting with questions for Autumn, impatient to know what she thought of all this. When the timer finally approached zero, the sermon ended, and the preacher prayed a closing prayer, and I heaved a sigh of relief. But the service wasn\u2019t over yet, now was the time for people to respond. The preacher reiterated some of his themes, asking people to come forward to become an object of His love, to open up to God\u2019s blessings. He issued an invitation to submit to God, and to let one\u2019s worth by defined by Jesus alone. People flocked forward, some of them crying, some on their knees, many with their arms raised to heaven. The worship team started playing again and people on stage stretched out hands toward the crowd, gesturing God\u2019s blessings raining down on them. A few years ago I would have been among those rushing forward to receive, but not today.<\/p>\n Autumn: \u00a0Gathered around the preacher and the \u2018worship team\u2019, the congregation experienced the last bit of energy movement for the night. \u00a0I perceived little sprinkles of greenish energy sprinkling down from the preachers and worship team (not, I might add, from any divine source). \u00a0It seemed so tiny compared what had been given up. \u00a0I wondered how anyone could feel as though this was a beneficial exchange. \u00a0\u00a0When I mentioned this observation to Annika, she said that when one is that empty, even a tiny bit of energy coming in can feel huge. \u00a0I suppose that makes sense. \u00a0If the value of a stock goes down 99% on one day, and then goes up 300% the next day, it seems like that second day was a huge gain. \u00a0But you\u2019ve still lost 96% of the original value. \u00a0Maybe people in the congregation didn\u2019t remember what they lost earlier, I thought. \u00a0But now I\u2019m starting to realize that it isn\u2019t that they didn\u2019t remember it \u2014 they didn\u2019t value it. \u00a0They didn\u2019t value their personal power at all as something for themselves. \u00a0In this belief structure, the only thing that personal power is good for is praising Jesus.<\/em><\/p>\n Annika: Even now, several months later, I am not sure what to make of Autumn\u2019s observation of the energy that happened after the sermon. I never perceived anything green, and didn\u2019t notice any sprinkles. The fact that it looked like a tiny amount to Autumn surprised me as well. I remember those times, what we called \u201cministry time\u201d or \u201csoaking in the Spirit\u201d, as an amazingly powerful and energy filled experience. Maybe there was a different quality to the energy? Maybe what Autumn perceived as green was so foreign to our orange giving of energy that it had a tremendous impact? I still have no idea.<\/p>\n Her interpretations make sense to me, but at times they are painful to take in. We\u2019re talking about something I used to love so dearly that I dedicated my whole life to it. As I read through our reflections, they sound so negative, and it breaks my heart. I didn\u2019t go to Bethel to further distance myself from Christianity, I went for the opposite reason. I wanted to reclaim some of the beauty, and instead I found myself focusing on how what I once loved now feels so wrong.<\/p>\n I hardly slept that night, mulling over conversations and experiences in my lucid dreams. The next morning we went back to Bethel and signed up for the healing rooms, famous the world over for miracles occurring as prayer ministers prophesy over people and lay on hands for healing. We will write about the prophesies we received and the healing ministry in part 3<\/a>.<\/p>\n Born-Again Witch<\/em> is published on alternate Mondays on the Agora. Subscribe via\u00a0RSS<\/a>\u00a0or\u00a0e-mail<\/a>!<\/p>\n Please use the links to the right to keep on top of activities here on the Agora<\/em><\/a> as well as across the entire Patheos Pagan<\/a> channel.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This is the second part of a three part series on what happened when my coven visited a “spirit-filled” Christian church. In the first part I wrote about what prompted us to visit the church and together with Autumn, who has no background in Christianity, we shared our initial reactions. In this second part Autumn and I compare notes on our experience, how we sensed and saw the flow of energy. We also look at how we both understood the sermon, and how together we were able to make sense of our experiences.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2232,"featured_media":9321,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1443,330],"tags":[1640,225,1642,143,1641,162,25,26,1643],"class_list":["post-9316","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-born-again-witch","category-columns","tag-bethel","tag-christianity","tag-energy","tag-energy-work","tag-evangelicalism","tag-interfaith","tag-pagan","tag-paganism","tag-pentacostalism"],"yoast_head":"\n![\"The](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/124\/2015\/07\/The-worship-team-getting-ready-to-play.jpg\")
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