I couldn\u2019t see what she looked like; I could only see her shadowed silhouette and hear her voice as she stood in my room, head down in sorrow and regret.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cI was supposed to be at your office today,\u201d she said, \u201cbut I couldn\u2019t take the pain of his loss anymore and now I\u2019m here. Don\u2019t blame yourself. Don\u2019t let others take the blame. It\u2019s all on me,\u201d she whispered quietly and disappeared.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n I woke up with a start, crying.\u201cDid you recognize her?\u201d Chuck asked me.<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t see her so I couldn\u2019t know for sure.<\/p>\n \u201cLook at your schedule and see if you recognize everyone\u2019s name?\u201d<\/p>\n I had a mini session and knew her. I had a small gallery session with 7 that happened to be all women\u2019s names, and my last client was a man.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I\u2019ll know if one person doesn\u2019t show up for the small gallery,\u201d I said, having a terrible feeling that I would be only 6 for the gallery session. \u201cI just pray I can keep it together,\u201d I worried.<\/p>\n My first session came and went, and I waited for my next session. The door jingled and I waited to hear someone walk by the office, but nobody came so I got up only to see nobody there. It\u2019s happened before, so I didn\u2019t really think much of it until people started coming in and not one time the door chimed. With a 10 am start, a client rushed in a couple minutes before.<\/p>\n \u201cAm I your last one?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n She made 6 and it would seem the case. So I explained my agitation.<\/p>\n \u201cWill you call her and see?\u201d I was asked.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Somehow I got through the couple hours and after everyone left I stared at the name of the person who was a no-show. Then I did something I never do. I put her name into Google. It goes against my morals to do that, but something was telling me to get the validation. Sure enough her obituary popped up immediately, along with a child of hers who had passed just a couple months before her. I knew her. I\u2019d met her, I\u2019m not sure where, but I\u2019d met her.I took her name and searched my email and Facebook to see if it anything came up, and sure enough there was an email from her a couple weeks before her passing asking for an appointment. She had to connect to her son, she said. She had to know he was okay. I had responded.<\/p>\n \u201cHe\u2019s okay,\u201d I told her. \u201cHe\u2019s with a grandfather or great-grandfather and is still going through his soul journey.\u201d It hadn\u2019t felt like he\u2019d been gone long and she still had to grieve. \u201cI don\u2019t think you need me right now. I would instead suggest grief counseling. Not to get over it,\u201d I told her, \u201cbut to learn how to walk through the agony of loss. Nobody gets over death,\u201d I said. \u201cNo, we go through it and sometimes we need someone to hold our hand and walk with us, sometimes even carry us when we feel stuck by the last moments, wondering and second guessing the would ofs and should ofs.\u201d<\/p>\n I ended by asking her if she needed help with a name of a grief counselor. She replied that she didn\u2019t need a name and that she understood everything I was telling her, but still wanted to still book an appointment for 6 months after the date of her son\u2019s passing to give them both time, and then she went and booked this small circle.<\/p>\n But instead of getting help, or allowing anyone to help carry her through the flames of grief, she took her life. I didn\u2019t really know her, but I felt a horrible guilt. Maybe I could\u2019ve stopped her, or helped her, or taken her to a counselor. Or maybe if I had gotten her in early and helped with the connection she would still be here. Maybe\u2026<\/p>\n \u201cAre you okay,\u201d Chuck asked me when he picked me up.<\/p>\n He knew I wasn\u2019t, though, because I was crying.<\/p>\n \u201cSomeone didn\u2019t show, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n I could only nod. I cried all the way home, not saying anything.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know that none of this is your fault,\u201d Chuck said as we stepped out of the car.<\/p>\n I did, but I didn\u2019t. I do, but I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n My dad immediately knew something was wrong when he saw me so I decided to share the situation.<\/p>\n \u201cSometimes the depression and grief are just so strong that the person can\u2019t see through that, and you can\u2019t, nor can her family, beat themselves up with regret. She made her choice, Kristy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s all free will, remember?\u201d Chuck reminded me.<\/p>\n Without replying I pulled out the computer and signed on the American Suicide Prevention website and donated the monies she\u2019d paid for small gallery session and her upcoming appointment in memory of her. It was the least I could do.<\/p>\n Being a medium I\u2019ve connected many who have lost loved ones to suicide to their loves ones on the other side.\u00a0I grew up in the Lutheran church and was told that anybody who commits suicide goes to hell and is punished. That isn\u2019t what I see on the other side. I mention in my book\u00a0\u00a0Messages from a Wonderful Life<\/a>\u00a0that those who take their own life have to go through a soul journey, or counseling of sorts, that I call Angel Boot Camp, in order to heal. It isn\u2019t all fun and games and angel wings. My experiences with those on the Other Side who\u2019ve committed suicide have been as different as each individual\u2019s life. Some have regrets, and some don\u2019t. Some aren\u2019t in the best place on the Other Side, although I wouldn\u2019t exactly define it as hell, and others transition just fine, and are at peace and are happy with their decision. There is, however, no escape from our problems on this side or the next. I believe that lessons can be learned in all situations. I\u2019m still learning my lesson with this.<\/p>\n We are often an instant grief society. A sad face on a Facebook status and many feel they\u2019ve done their part. When someone is broken inside, a sad face on social media doesn\u2019t help, but sometimes there\u2019s nothing that can help.<\/p>\n My wish for everyone is that within tragedy, suffering and sadness that you can find the rainbows. They are there, but the storm clouds are often very thick. Yes, life\u2019s difficult. If it wasn\u2019t, the rainbows wouldn\u2019t be so special. If you can\u2019t find the rainbows, ask for help. If you are in crisis, call that National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at\u00a01-800-273-TALK (8255)<\/a>.<\/p>\n To those who\u2019ve lost a loved one and who is grieving, especially a child, it\u2019s a special part of your heart and soul that is taken; stripped away. Death is hard on the living, there\u2019s no argument there, and time doesn\u2019t make the hurt go away, but time does allow for some healing.<\/p>\n And to all those who\u2019ve lost their will to fight the battle, may you find your peace and fly with the angels.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n![\"allittakes\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/222\/2017\/09\/allittakes-300x300.jpg\")
<\/a>I haven\u2019t had a whole lot of sleep the last few nights. Just as I fall asleep I\u2019m woken by a spirit. I fall asleep again, and repeat. This has been the case from 2 AM until 4:30 AM and even during the time I am sleeping I\u2019m having dreams of clients and their loved ones. Last night\u2019s visits were almost too much for me and this afternoon I cried that I wanted off the ride.<\/p>\n