My heart really goes out to journalists charged with the daunting task of getting to the bottom of the neverending mayhem of the Middle East and Muslim world.\u00a0 The region\u2019s confusing and disturbing twists and turns are only made ever more inscrutable by the baffling way Muslims talk.\u00a0 Their inconsistent statements make it even harder for normal people to make sense of the screaming headlines we read every day reporting the latest outbreak of violence, irrationality, or hatred over there.\u00a0 But it needn\u2019t be quite so confusing.<\/p>\n
What few outsiders realize, however, is that there are a number of closely guarded secrets among Muslims that once grasped explain all sorts of bizarre political and social phenomena that otherwise appear inexplicable.\u00a0 Once you realize that the rules of common sense don\u2019t apply to Muslims, most of these mysteries are solved.\u00a0 In the hopes of making the jobs of America\u2019s overworked journalists and pundits a bit easier, I\u2019m going to share a few of the most important rules for understanding Muslim language:<\/p>\n
Rule 1:\u00a0 Muslims always speak truthfully and literally<\/strong> And literal.\u00a0 Since the concepts of metaphor, exaggerations, or dramatic license are Western innovations that have yet to reach the lands of Rumi, Al-Ghazzali, and expressions like \"The Mother of all Battles\", Muslims always speak literally.\u00a0 Literally.<\/p>\n Ergo, if a Pakistani American Red Sox fan in Boston exclaims, \"Damn those Yankees!\",\u00a0 it is possible that he dislikes the New York Yankees, but his unambiguous aim in speaking is to issue a fatwah concerning the ultimate fate in the Hereafter of that baseball team\u2019s members.\u00a0 Similiarly, when a Muslim exclaims to a buddy, \"Man, I\u2019m gonna kill you!\" he is not expressing anger or resentment but rather informing his associate of the latter\u2019s imminent demise.\u00a0 And when a Muslim states that a movie \"bombed\", he has no intention of conveying that the film did poorly at the box office or that it failed to meet his expectations as a moviegoer. He is reporting (probably joyfully\u2014see Rule 4) that the film literally exploded in a fiery cataclysm in the theater, presumably maiming if not killing many innocent bystanders.<\/p>\n Rule 2: Except when they\u2019re lying to trick you.<\/strong> Muslims are deceitful by nature and come into the world hardwired with the most abhorrent and alien of values.\u00a0 \u00a0(Just like those cunning Jews!)\u00a0 Consequently, the most reliable method of determining a Muslim\u2019s beliefs when he inexplicably says something you agree with is to disregard his words and instead consider what views a civilized, modern person would hold on the matter.\u00a0 Then choose the opposite approach, no matter how chilling, seemingly implausible, or strenuously denied the reading is by said Muslim and you have the answer.<\/p>\n Wondering whether Palestinians consider their children disposable cannon fodder<\/a> for jihad against the Jews?\u00a0 Don\u2019t waste your time analyzing their dire circumstances or the failure of non-violent forms of resistance to attract international attention.\u00a0 Ask youself, do normal people love and protect their children from harm?\u00a0 There you have it.\u00a0 Since the answer is by definition \"yes,\" it follows inexorably that Palestinians lack love for or concern about the welfare of their children.\u00a0 Move on to the next heartwarming report about a fireman rescuing a cat from a tree.<\/p>\n Also, it goes without saying that there is no such thing as a Muslim apology or change of heart.<\/p>\n Rule 3:\u00a0 Muslim words apply to all times, places<\/strong> Thus,\u00a0 the aforementioned malediction against the New York Yankees can not only be translated word for word into any human language\u00a0 without introducing any misunderstandings, but its theological commentary can be applied not only to fellow believers in an afterlife such as Christians and Jews, but also to atheists in New York, Wiccans in California, Japanese Shintoists in Hokkaido, and Yuruba animists in southwestern Nigeria.\u00a0 Don\u2019t fret about authorial intent or context\u2013he\u2019s a Muslim, so he thought it all through for you before saying a word.<\/p>\n Rule 4: Deep down, Muslims are always thinking about (and yearning for) violence.<\/strong> Thus, if a Muslim American student activist talks about his personal interpretation of jihad <\/a>(literally, \"struggle [in God\u2019s way]\") as striving to integrate Islam\u2019s values of justice and service to ones neighbors into his daily life as a patriotic American, you can be sure that he is in reality trying to slip in a plug for terrorists who behead and kill plane loads of those same neighbors.\u00a0 Similarly, if some graduating students who are Muslim decide to add to their gowns green stoles<\/a> that read in Arabic Rabbi ziddini ilm<\/em> (\"Oh Lord, grant me knowledge\", a prayer from the Quran) on one side and the Islamic profession of faith or Shahada<\/em> on the other, these provocateurs are obviously trying to turn the ceremony into a tribute to the Hamas suicide bombers (who are known for wearing black armbands emblazoned with the Shahada).<\/em>\u00a0 Don\u2019t let the fact that Muslims use those prayers in the most mundane of situations\u2013even before going to bed\u2013throw you off the scent. <\/p>\n <\/a>Rule 5:\u00a0 It\u2019s always \"jihad\"<\/strong> Whether they\u2019re pinning prayers to their graduation gowns\u00a0 or just standing by the road licking an ice cream cone, it\u2019s jihad and you\u2019re under siege like the Viennese facing the Ottoman hordes in 1529<\/a>.\u00a0 Don\u2019t let the\u00a0 social\u00a0 economic and political realities of near complete Muslim powerlessness in the modern, Western\/Christian-dominated\u00a0 world distract you from the fact that you are an oppressed Dhimmi<\/a>\u00a0 living under the yoke of Muslim tyranny.\u00a0 <\/p>\n So make sure you pepper your report with the word \"jihad\" and other buzzwords that remind readers of the mortal peril we all live in thanks to the existence of Islam.\u00a0 Don\u2019t forget to mention medieval Islamic concepts like jizya<\/a>, <\/em>slavery, and,\u00a0 everyone\u2019s favorite, houris<\/em><\/a>.\u00a0 The fact that these concepts are about as relevant to most modern political problems as Danegeld<\/a> is besides the point.\u00a0 And wherever context permits make hysterical allusions to Nazism since that hateful ideology developed in Germany, the heartland of Islamic civilization.\u00a0 (Indeed, the world still shudders at the memory of their chilling symbol, the dreaded Iron Crescent & Star.) <\/p>\n Finally, always err on the side of innuendo, paranoia and stereotype.\u00a0 Remember that if you can\u2019t think of a good reason for inserting prejudicial language now, someone else will eventually dream up a retroactive justification.\u00a0 And then you\u2019ll be a prophet.\u00a0 \u00a0 <\/p>\n Update (5\/26\/2006):<\/strong> Update (5\/29\/2006):<\/strong> My heart really goes out to journalists charged with the daunting task of getting to the bottom of the neverending mayhem of the Middle East and Muslim world.\u00a0 The region\u2019s confusing and disturbing twists and turns are only made ever more inscrutable by the baffling way Muslims talk.\u00a0 Their inconsistent statements make it even harder […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":357,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,8,19],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-608","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-muslims-in-the-melting-pot","category-the-gwot","category-the-jihad-against-islam"],"yoast_head":"\n
Muslims always mean exactly what they say and in as literally a sense as possible.\u00a0
It\u2019s a commonly known fact that all Muslims are born with (or acquire instantly upon conversion) dazzling, Ciceronian eloquence and supercomputer-like minds that allow them to effortlessly think through the political, social and theological implications of even the most off-the-cuff observation down to the smallest detail.\u00a0 As a result, Muslims never say things they don\u2019t mean in the heat of the moment, use ambiguous language that has to be judged by its context, or generally misspeak in any way.\u00a0 \u00a0More importantly, outside observers needn\u2019t worry about how to interpret their words, since Muslims are always honest.<\/p>\n
There is an exception to Rule 1, namely when a Muslim states anything which is modern, enlightened, politically moderate or in any way positive. <\/p>\n
A fact that has long puzzled linguists is how the phenomenon discussed\u00a0 in Rule 1 applies to all circumstances and places.\u00a0 Muslim utterances retain their meaning, intent and political significance in translation\u2013regardless of the translation\u2019s quality and even when a translation of translation is involved\u2013and regardless of the historical and cultural circumstances to which they are transplanted.\u00a0 <\/p>\n
Muslims are by nature warlike and inclined to violence, so physically harming other people is never absent from their minds, regardless of the topic under discussion.\u00a0 \u00a0In cases where they endeavor to conceal this fact, you just need to dig deeper.\u00a0 Strap \u2019em down and break out the lie detector.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n
Related to Rule 4 is the fact that any event involving Muslims is always jihad.\u00a0 Not the concept of a peaceful personal struggle to do the right thing that most Muslims, sly foxes that they are, claim to intend when using the word.\u00a0 Nor is it the noble campaigns for good causes that normal, Christian people think of when they talk about \"crusades\".\u00a0 Anything a Muslim does is always violent holy war directed against everyone around them.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n
Expanded the last bit\u00a0 on jihad a bit.<\/p>\n
Expanded the intro.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"