{"id":5817,"date":"2024-10-19T09:13:56","date_gmt":"2024-10-19T15:13:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/allsetfree\/?p=5817"},"modified":"2024-10-19T09:16:02","modified_gmt":"2024-10-19T15:16:02","slug":"ejaculating-into-the-abyss-a-case-against-mass-murder","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/allsetfree\/2024\/10\/ejaculating-into-the-abyss-a-case-against-mass-murder\/","title":{"rendered":"Ejaculating Into the Abyss: A Case Against Mass Murder"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ah, sperm. Those microscopic little swimmers we often take for granted\u2014well, except when we\u2019re trying not<\/em> to get pregnant. But today, dear readers, I\u2019m here to defend sperm. Yes, sperm is alive! Forget your notions that life begins at conception. Life clearly starts long before then\u2014because, science tells us, sperm is<\/em> living tissue. And if sperm is alive, and if the anti-abortion movement insists that destroying life is the height of immorality, then folks\u2026 we need to have a talk about all those wasted little guys.<\/p>\n

The Science<\/strong>: Let\u2019s get real for a second\u2014sperm are not some lifeless, inert substance. Oh no, they\u2019re lively little critters with flagella flapping, mitochondria buzzing, and a singular mission: to find an egg. They move, they squirm, they even compete with each other! So, if we define life as a cell capable of growth, movement, and reproduction (which is precisely what anti-abortion advocates like to argue when discussing fetuses), then my friends, sperm qualifies.<\/p>\n

And don\u2019t even get me started on the metaphysical potential! Every sperm cell has the possibility of becoming a future senator, or worse, a future televangelist. How could you kill the next Billy Graham by simply tossing a sock into the laundry? How dare you?!<\/p>\n

Reductio ad Absurdum<\/strong>: Now let\u2019s take this pro-life logic and run it into the ground, shall we? If life begins at conception, what are we to do about all these millions<\/em> of sperm being flushed away every day? Every ejaculation sends forth an entire army of potential lives. Sure, maybe only one (or in some unfortunate cases, two or more) make it to the big leagues of conception, but what about the rest? Are they just collateral damage? Do we simply look the other way as we consign these tiny beings to their watery grave? The horrors!<\/p>\n

By the same logic anti-abortion folks use to protect embryos, we should be holding candlelight vigils for every spermatozoa lost down the drain. And, for the love of God, think of the mass sperm genocide happening on gym towels across this great nation. Shouldn\u2019t we have a Supreme Court case to protect sperm rights? After all, if destroying life is immoral<\/em>, then ejaculating outside the possibility of conception is nothing short of mass murder.<\/p>\n

Every Man is a Murderer<\/strong>: By now, you\u2019re probably thinking, \u201cBut Matt, this is ridiculous! Sperm can\u2019t survive without an egg!\u201d To which I say: Bingo! That\u2019s exactly the point. Anti-abortion rhetoric is similarly absurd when it suggests life begins only at conception. If we were to accept the premise that all<\/em> life is sacred from the moment of its biological creation, then ejaculating into a condom or a tissue is just as morally reprehensible as abortion. And oh, my fellow men, that means we are all guilty. Every. Single. One.<\/p>\n

Sorry fellas, but if anti-abortionists are right, then every man is a serial killer in the making. We\u2019ve been recklessly destroying life in our socks, in the shower, and (gasp) even in the backseats of cars since puberty.<\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/strong>: So, what\u2019s it going to be? Will the pro-life crowd take this argument to its logical conclusion and ban ejaculation? Or will they acknowledge that the debate over when life begins is a lot more complex and nuanced than they\u2019d like it to be? Either way, next time you\u2019re about to \u201clet one fly,\u201d maybe hold a little funeral for the billions of lives you\u2019re about to snuff out. It\u2019s the least you could do.<\/p>\n

Until then, I\u2019m off to buy some sperm-shaped candles for my next vigil.<\/p>\n

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Also, if you\u2019ve been digging my work on here, and want to see me be able to continue writing as close to full-time as humanly possible, please take a look at my Patreon page at\u00a0www.patreon.com\/mjdistefano<\/a>. Even $1 a month helps bigly!<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ah, sperm. Those microscopic little swimmers we often take for granted\u2014well, except when we\u2019re trying not to get pregnant. But today, dear readers, I\u2019m here to defend sperm. Yes, sperm is alive! Forget your notions that life begins at conception. Life clearly starts long before then\u2014because, science tells us, sperm is living tissue. And if […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2874,"featured_media":5820,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,40,1545],"tags":[1355,1811,1894,1891,1982,2547],"class_list":["post-5817","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-politics","category-religion","category-satire","tag-abortion","tag-logical-fallacy","tag-pro-choice","tag-pro-life","tag-roe-v-wade","tag-sperm-alive"],"yoast_head":"\nEjaculating Into the Abyss: A Case Against Mass Murder<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Ah, sperm. Those microscopic little swimmers we often take for granted\u2014well, except when we're trying not to get pregnant. 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