My Background<\/strong><\/p>\n When I was young, I believed my life was fairly normal\u2014to an extent, it was. However, looking back, I now believe it was quite eventful. I do not mean that my life should be made into a movie, but spiritually, it was a bit of a roller coaster.<\/p>\n I grew up in variety of conservative, non-denominational churches (depending on where we lived at the time). Each claimed that the heart of their belief was Jesus Christ, but to my young mind, the center of my faith<\/em> was avoiding eternal damnation. I made sure I prayed the \u201csinner\u2019s prayer\u201d on numerous occasions but because I could never remember all my sins and thus could not confess all of them, I assumed God would condemn me. I now understand the irrationality of such a belief, but that does not change the fact that my childhood was shrouded with the overwhelming certainty that I was destined for hell.<\/p>\n Because of this belief, many of my nights were spent sleepless. I can vaguely recall running throughout my house, screaming \u201cSnake eyes!\u201d at the top of my lungs. Even when my mother would calm me down enough to sit me in a chair, my gaze toward her was blank\u2014lifeless<\/em>. I could not comprehend who she was nor could I recognize any familiarity in my own home. To this day, my mother is convinced I was possessed by demons. I would not disagree with her although I would disagree with how we define \u201cdemon.\u201d Regardless, this experience was horrifying and destructive.<\/p>\n Even when I would remain in the safety of my blankets, my dreams were terrifying. One recurrent dream I can still vividly recall is that of an Armageddon-type battle. I, alongside my agnostic Grandfather, would fight the forces of evil. On numerous occasions, he would perish in the battle. As someone who would be theologically defined as an Arminian, I knew his fate. Then there were the recurrent dreams where I would have to escape a department store before the swarms of spiders and snakes captured me. My memory fails me to some degree, as I cannot recall if I ever made it out alive. Regardless, the effects of such dreams tormented my mind.<\/p>\n My soul became troubled.<\/p>\n My faith? Shattered. <\/em><\/p>\n I would not diagnose myself with once having PTSD, but I sure had many of the symptoms (PTSD symptoms are often split into four groups: 1) Intrusive Memories 2) Avoidance 3) Negative Changes in Thinking and Mood 4) Changes in Emotional Reactions). I had intrusive memories<\/em>\u2014unwanted thoughts of hell and terrifying dreams about torture and torment. I avoided<\/em> discussing these matters with clergy and never really enjoyed going to church for this very reason. My mood<\/em> was often erratic, even though I kept most of it contained within my mind. I was hopeless about the future and was certainly negative about myself. My emotional reactions would often change.<\/em> I was irritable, was overly guilt-ridden about my sin, and, like I mentioned before, had difficulty sleeping. This lasted for years\u2014over a decade even! Regardless how one would diagnose my former self, experientially, it was traumatic and stressful\u2014enough so to eventually walk away (for a time) from the faith I concluded was the cause.<\/p>\n