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British blogger Shelina Zahra Janmohamed wants to tell you a story. Preferably with a cup of coffee \u2013 cappuccino, no sugar \u2013 and an open mind. In the years since she got married, she spilled her thoughts on Muslim issues and life in Britain into her blog Spirit 21<\/a>, eventually winning a Brass Crescent Award<\/a> for Best Blog in 2007, as voted on by readers. Encouraged by the reception she received by this and in the Muslim press, she looked back on her often tumultuous path to marriage and consolidated her thoughts into her first book, Love in a Headscarf<\/a>, published in March by Aurum Press. In it, she discusses her thoughts on the disparities between how Muslim men and women are treated during the marriage process, a process that has become infinitely complicated by the diasporadic modern Muslim world. Taking her up on her offer (outlined in the prologue to her book), I sat down with her in a West London coffee shop near her home to find out more about her thoughts on the state of Muslim marriage and gender relations in today\u2019s society.<\/p>\n Shelina Zahra Janmohamed: I was really clear in my mind that I would get married at 21 and have children by 25. That\u2019s what people did, that was the expectation. Even that, perhaps compared to the generation gone before was quite long and lengthy. So I didn\u2019t really know what to expect other than that I\u2019d be visited by potential suitors and, at some point, one of them would click. And we\u2019d get married and have children and live happily ever after. <\/p>\n I think that\u2019s kind of an amalgam of a lot of different ideas \u2013 the Asian idea that you reach completion in the sense of achieving your social position when you get married, particularly as a woman. You can\u2019t really have an understandable position if you\u2019re not married \u2013 you\u2019re kind of on hold until you reach that.<\/p>\n But also, there\u2019s the lovely Hollywood idea that you\u2019re going to bump into somebody at the bus stop and your eyes will lock and you\u2019ll drop your purse and he\u2019ll pick it up and there\u2019ll be hearts and flowers. <\/p>\n And then also I grew up in quite a religious family and there was an idea that being married was part of the Islamic way of life and that was a good thing. Not kind of a duty, so much, as a positive to help you reach that completion.<\/p>\n So all of those ideas meant that it was something I was expecting to happen quite soon. And I think most people do. You don\u2019t go out on your search expecting it to take 10, 20, 30 years that it does for some people. <\/p>\n It took more and more time to realise that. And I\u2019m really curious as to why we found ourselves in this social position where it seems like there are more single women than single men. Although having spoken to men, they seem to think there are lots of single men and no single women. So there\u2019s some kind of dialogue problem going on. I\u2019m not quite sure what it is.<\/p>\n There are some interesting anecdotal studies out there that have been done, particularly in Europe \u2013 I don\u2019t know what it\u2019s like in America \u2013 where women who are born and brought up here want to marry partners with a similar background, but men are quite happy to go \u201cback home,\u201d which diminishes the pool of prospective partners immediately. <\/p>\n Of course, it\u2019s everyone\u2019s personal choice as to who they marry, but it raises questions to me about the nature of that relationship and what men are expecting from their wives and what women are expecting from their husbands. Certainly in my experience, there was a lot of cultural discussion that goes on with women on not just how to get married but how to be married and how to maintain that relationship and what your expectations should be and about being realistic.<\/p>\n And I always found it really unfair that men never seemed to get that same kind of discussion. When we would go to weddings or mehndi parties or sit around with the aunties, there would be a lot of discussion about being married. But boys never got that. I kind of felt it was very unfair that women had the burden of carrying the relationship and men could kind of just swim along and it would all be fine because women would \u2013 I was certainly advised to \u2013 give in for the first 2 to 5 years and then it would all be fine. <\/p>\n The reason I put \u201clove\u201d in the title was actually for two reasons. I wanted to have a kind of enigmatic discussion about love in the sense that we mean romantic love or love of your companion. But I also wanted to talk about love that you have for people around you and love of community and, more specifically, love for the Divine \u2013 that love of God or the Creator or whatever you want to call him.<\/p>\n As I went through this, it actually opened my eyes to what culture said about love, what Islam said about love, and this really curious idea \u2013 the more I searched, the more I realised I didn\u2019t know much about love in the Islamic tradition. I went to a Christian school and the Christian idea was that God is love. <\/p>\n And I kind of felt a bit jealous by that idea. It was like, \u201cWhy isn\u2019t my God a God of love?\u201d I was told that the God of Islam was a God of justice and justice is pivotal \u2013 which I completely agree with. But it just seemed really strange that God would create all these human beings and then, in the Qur\u2019an, tell them to marry each other because they would find some fulfilment there. And yet, where was this very natural human instinct? This fitra of love somewhere in this great scheme of things?<\/p>\n As I explored more this idea of Divine love, I started to understand that the love you have for your partner is actually part of that greater Divine love. And you need to see yourself through that other person\u2019s eyes to realise where you fit in to the bigger scheme of things. Nobody ever told me that. <\/p>\n It seems obvious when you get to the other end, but when you\u2019re trying to make sense of this really important feeling, of you wanting to have someone in your life, it\u2019s always considered a little bit shameful for girls to talk about the idea that they want to get married. There\u2019s this idea that a woman shouldn\u2019t really want to get married, and yet it\u2019s such a natural human instinct to want to fall in love, to want to be with somebody. And that should be encouraged, but also\u2026<\/p>\n The context of it. Particularly when you\u2019re younger and kind of see movies and read books and love is absolutely everywhere around us. I think we need to kind of reach out and say, \u201cActually, it\u2019s alright to be in love, it\u2019s alright to feel love, it\u2019s alright to feel attraction towards people, but it\u2019s learning how to moderate those feelings and how to manage them and how to be grown up about how you feel them and how you feel them towards other people.\u201d <\/p>\n And, actually, being married is actually a really, really nice experience. I think most people who have been married and are finding themselves in a successful relationship will tell you that it\u2019s hard work, but it\u2019s actually really, really nice. <\/p>\n I want to go back one step. For me, the journey that I went on was really interesting, and the whole discussion about love and partners and marriage is very interesting because it seems to bring in some very sharp, competing conflicts that we have within us \u2013 that you\u2019re British or European or American and kind of want to be part of that culture. That culture is part of you, as you grow up in it, and yet you have these very strong Asian ideas in you as well. And you can be comfortable in that and you have a family like that.<\/p>\n A lot of people \u2013 and I certainly was there \u2013 start seeing them as clashing. And the best way that you deal with them \u2013 the way I dealt with them \u2013 is to sort of separate them out so you have homework and school. And you just keep them completely separate and you just don\u2019t tell anybody about them. As you go through life and an intimate experience like looking for a companion, you start to resolve those. <\/p>\n That was the journey that I went on and, when I talk about wanting to fall in love with John Travolta, it kind of epitomised that idea. He was going to become a Muslim \u2013 that took care of my Islamic faith \u2013 he was going to come to my parents\u2019 house \u2013 that took care of the cultural part \u2013 and he was John Travolta, you know! Who didn\u2019t want to marry John Travolta when you were 13?<\/p>\n The reason that story really reaches out to people is because it is the fundamental core of who we are as human beings and kind of brings together all those different parts. It\u2019s ok to feel confused, it\u2019s ok to have those feelings, it\u2019s how you work out a resolution that really is the mark of you as a human being.<\/p>\n I certainly have a lot of friends who are of similar ages who been through similar quests as mine and the book has picked up a very quick following, to my surprise, amongst Muslim women from, actually, a number of parts of the world, who have written to me and said, \u201cThis is my life. This is what it\u2019s like.\u201d<\/p>\n For example, a really heartbreaking Facebook e-mail I had from somebody who was saying she\u2019s also been looking for somebody. Her father had passed away, and her brother and sister-in-law are supposed to be looking for her and yet whenever she goes to visit them, they kind of taunt her about being a burden on them, rather than help her look for somebody. <\/p>\n Those are very heartbreaking stories, because if you want somebody to get married, there\u2019s no point in telling them just to accept anyone. You\u2019ve actually got to take some responsibility to help them and not just send any old anyone their way. Which I think was, perhaps, the traditional way. \u201cOh, she\u2019s not married. Anyone will do.\u201d<\/p>\n But I think there are similar problems among men. They\u2019ve just been less eloquent and lyrical about them than women. I think we need to start to hear from them and what exactly is going on and where they are in this picture. <\/p>\n One of the things that I thought was revelatory in the marriage process is that because it affects people so fundamentally to the core of their life, they really reveal immediately what\u2019s important to them and what they actually believe because it affects them directly. <\/p>\n They will often say things they may not be willing to bear in their own life. It\u2019s very obvious that there are discrepancies in the way that we, for example, say Islam is and the way we behave. It just became more and more apparent to me as I went through the process that what people said wasn\u2019t really true. <\/p>\n For example, this idea that all human beings are equal and we\u2019re all part of one ummah\u2026<\/p>\n It\u2019s very easy to say, but if you\u2019re Asian, you\u2019re not allowed to marry somebody who\u2019s black or Persian or white \u2013 and I\u2019m sorry I\u2019m using all these words, but that\u2019s how they\u2019re portrayed. White may be more acceptable, because we have this racial hierarchy.<\/p>\n Or for example, we talk about this wonderful relationship the Prophet had with his wife Khadija. We say, \u201cMy goodness, wasn\u2019t it liberated that the Prophet received a proposal from her and they were a wonderful match and he accepted.\u201d And yet, in cultural norms, a woman\u2019s family cannot propose to a man\u2019s family.<\/p>\n Or we say, \u201cWasn\u2019t lady Khadija amazing because she was older than the Prophet\u201d and we talk about how the Prophet recognised that she was this amazing woman and said, even after her death, that there was no one who could equal her. And yet, it\u2019s impossible for a man to marry someone who\u2019s older than him. <\/p>\n It does take a certain amount of self-awareness, though. You have to know what you\u2019re saying you are is actually what you are. One of the challenging things is perhaps men are not as self-aware as women. They haven\u2019t been forced to be self-aware. When you go out, you haven\u2019t had cultural pressures to conform, you can kind of just cruise along\u2026<\/p>\n Yeah. When I wrote the book \u2013 and this has come back from some of the male readers \u2013 it\u2019s not a book about male bashing. It\u2019s a book written as an exploration of myself through these kind of cultural ideas that are around me. But they\u2019re true, and you\u2019ve got to reflect on what\u2019s happened. All those stories are completely true. And how is it that people get away with that? And somehow, when it goes wrong, it\u2019s somehow my fault, as the woman (Laughs).<\/p>\n I\u2019m not sure it\u2019s so much family honor. If you\u2019re a woman and you do something, obviously you get a reputation very quickly. Whether you agree with the way you are marked, you have to make a decision. Do I want to make a stand about this, but get a reputation and perhaps have doors closed to me for people I could meet? Or do I suck it up and hopefully withstand the pain so that I could get a better choice of people I could meet? And then once I\u2019m married, we don\u2019t need to worry about that anymore. Those are the kind decisions a lot of young women have to make, and I certainly did. Your life is on hold until you get married. And I don\u2019t know why that has to be.<\/p>\n Well, this highlights this bigger issue within the Muslim community about how genders interact with each other. There are two very disparate ideas. You can go to work or school and talk as much as you\u2019d like with people who are not Muslim. But as soon as you turn up in your Muslim or traditional sphere, you must be completely and utterly segregated. <\/p>\n One of the challenges is that nobody really learned how to talk to somebody of the opposite gender in a completely natural way. (In extreme cases) you must talk to the sister from behind a curtain and you can only ask her about things related to marriage. I find this really peculiar because there\u2019s a lot of emphasis on women wearing hijab. Let\u2019s take for granted that men are going to be modestly dressed \u2013 whatever that means \u2013 not that that happens.<\/p>\n So, isn\u2019t the point of that that you\u2019re supposed to be able to interact with other people? You can hear the whispers in the back of the mosque that \u201cthese young Muslims interact with each other (on their own) and get married.\u201d You\u2019d think, \u201cIsn\u2019t that a good thing?\u201d And they\u2019d say, \u201cNo, it\u2019s haram.\u201d Well, surely if they found somebody and they\u2019re happily married\u2026<\/p>\n Yeah, I do think we have a real problem with knowing how to interact with other people. I have a theory in that there\u2019s a verse from the Quran that\u2019s always quoted at weddings about how \u201cAllah created you in pairs.\u201d We tend to individualise that to a single marriage, but actually, I think it reflects our whole society. And if you think about the male species and the female species, they have to live together \u2013 that you\u2019re going to create a harmony, a social harmony that\u2019s actually fulfilling and loving and creative and generative in energy. <\/p>\n We need to think of that as the model that we base society on. And if you just separate them, it\u2019s like keeping a husband and a wife separate. Women suffer and, I think, men suffer as well because they\u2019re not getting that kind of completion that they need. You can never have a fully functioning society.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not very hopeful, actually. Because it seems that it\u2019s women who are perpetuating it. That\u2019s what really concerns me. Because all that will happen is that there will be a lot of single women who are older, very well educated, very sharp, very religious. It is heartbreaking. The men who are their equivalents, many of them who are not married, many of them don\u2019t want to marry women of that age. And the mothers and matchmakers are encouraging them. <\/p>\n If the mothers [of sons] are saying, \u201cWell, we\u2019re going to take you back home to marry your wife\u201d or \u201cyou can do what you like, if you\u2019re a boy, until you get married. If you\u2019re a woman, you need to maintain your reputation,\u201d then I don\u2019t really see how that can ever change unless there are mothers of sons who are brave enough to change that. And men themselves who are brave enough to change it. <\/p>\n Zahed Amanullah is associate editor of altmuslim.com. He is based in London, England<\/i><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Author Shelina Zahra Janmohamed sits down with us to discuss the issues brought up in her new book Love in a Headscarf<\/i>, which documents Janmohamed’s search for a partner in a landscaped blurred by culture clashes, mixed identities, and double standards.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":531,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[21,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3004","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-newsmakers","category-zahed-amanullah"],"yoast_head":"\n![](\"https:\/\/www.altmuslim.com\/images\/altmuslim_icon.gif\"){kind=icon}
Tell us what brought you to this point, what led you do document your experiences in this book. I take it your life, particularly your path to marriage, didn\u2019t turn out as you\u2019d expected.<\/b><\/p>\nThere seems to be a disproportionate impact on women looking for suitors than men, simply because men may have more socially acceptable options. Is this something that you perceived?<\/b><\/p>\nLove is obviously a big theme in your book \u2013 it\u2019s in the title. If you ask a lot of different Muslims about it, you would have a lot of different answers \u2013 about what it is and to what it means in the context of marriage. But I can tell you felt it was important to go into this issue of love and what it means.<\/b><\/p>\nThe context\u2026<\/b><\/p>\nThere was an interesting quote in your book from one of your aunties who told you that \u201cnice girls don\u2019t climb mountains.\u201d That, to me, summed up both the attitude towards your ambition -if you want to call it that \u2013 and this sense that it was a lonely struggle. That, at the end of the day, you can get opinions and advice from as many people as you want, but in the end, it\u2019s a very personal and, at times, lonely struggle to find someone.<\/b><\/p>\nAlthough your experience was a personal one, did you see friends of yours go through the same issues and struggles?<\/b><\/p>\nThat\u2019s a very good point.<\/b><\/p>\nIt\u2019s easy to say\u2026<\/b><\/p>\nFrom what you\u2019ve gone though, this process seems to be an accelerated process of learning, if taken seriously. Learning about yourself and, on both sides, revealing who you are. Like you said, it\u2019s the one time where you actually have to put your cards on the table and say, \u201cThis is exactly who I am.\u201d If you have secrets at that point, then you\u2019re putting your future marriage at risk.<\/b><\/p>\n\u2026The blind eye that parents sometimes have towards their sons\u2026<\/b><\/p>\nWhat about family honor, this cultural idea that the honor of the family rests on the women? Which means sacrificing their freedoms\u2026<\/b><\/p>\nYou were allowed to meet suitors on your own, which wouldn\u2019t happen with more conservative families\u2026<\/b><\/p>\nWell, there\u2019s the Prophet\u2019s example. Where were the family controls then? Things started out between individuals. It wasn\u2019t controlled by society or extended families.<\/b><\/p>\nAre you optimistic that in generations to come, this situation will change?<\/b><\/p>\n