![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/27\/2013\/03\/broken-heart.jpg\" "\\"broken")
<\/a>By Rabia Chaudry<\/strong><\/p>\nPart\u00a0II of a two-part series on why to get divorced, how to go about doing so and what the Quran and Sunnah have to say about divorce. Click here <\/a>to read Part I.<\/em><\/p>\n Islam does not forbid divorce, but of all the permissible things, it is the most disliked by Allah (swt)<\/a>.\u00a0 The destruction of a family has life-long consequences, and we are advised to seek out every means of reconciliation possible. But even then our faith gives us the freedom to leave an unhealthy situation.<\/p>\n There is much legality in an Islamic divorce that most people are vigilant to observe:\u00a0 Is a civil divorce considered one talaaq<\/em> or three? Do the three talaaqs have to be given at one time or at any time? If talaaq is given in anger, does it count? Does a khula<\/em> count as a talaaq? There are hundreds of questions related to divorce \u2014 just check any reputable Islamic Q&A website. People are so particular to make sure they have fulfilled certain conditions, but often and usually completely ignore one very clear command in the Quran concerning divorce:<\/p>\n \u201c<\/em>A divorce is only permissible twice: after that, the parties should either <\/em>hold together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness<\/strong>.\u201d\u00a0 \u2014 <\/em>Holy Quran 2:229<\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u201cSeparate with kindness\u201d are the three little words almost all people going through a divorce choose to ignore. You would hope that divorce between Muslims would be more civil due to this injunction than that of non-Muslims; the reality is that Muslims also get downright mean and dirty when they\u2019re ready to end a marriage.<\/p>\n At a minimum, separating with kindness means fulfilling each other\u2019s rights<\/a>. Pay the mahr<\/em> that is due, let each party have what is theirs, be sensitive to the financial situation a non-earning spouse may be in and fulfill your debt obligations and promises.\u00a0 Money is one tool frequently used to hurt the other party, but if we have tawakkul<\/em>, true faith, we know that our sustenance is written by Allah (swt) and no one can detract or add to it.<\/p>\n You will have your life ahead of you to rebuild and start over.\u00a0 Leaving the person you once loved unable to pay bills, without a place to stay or without transportation, is about as unkind as you can get. Many of us would help a stranger in these circumstances; but separating spouses often want to see the other suffer. This is not just inhumane, it\u2019s un-Islamic.<\/p>\n For the Sake of the Children<\/strong><\/p>\n While it\u2019s unkind for spouses to treat each other badly when separating, it\u2019s reprehensible to use children as a way to hurt each other. I have seen dozens of Muslim couples use their children as pawns, threatening each other with withholding visitation, demanding unreasonable custody and support arrangements, blocking extended family from seeing the kids and poisoning their children against the other parent. On the other hand, I\u2019ve seen parents of children just walk out of their children\u2019s lives, deciding they would rather not be a part of that child\u2019s life than have to pay child support or go through the trouble of visitation and arranging to live close by.<\/p>\n As adults, we can exercise our right to live with, or leave, a spouse.\u00a0 But in doing so, we cannot destroy the rights of others.\u00a0 Every parent has a right to their child, notwithstanding abuse, and every child has a right to both parents AND to the extended family of both parents. If you keep your child away from their other parent or that parent\u2019s family \u2014 or you sour your child\u2019s feelings against their other parent \u2014 you are keeping them from their rights.<\/p>\n If you walk out of your child\u2019s life, you have taken away the many rights your child has over you \u2014 the right to your love, guidance, knowledge, protection, company, affection, emotional and financial support, access to your extended family and to your inheritance.\u00a0 We don\u2019t get off scott-free when we usurp the rights of others \u2013 it\u2019s considered an injustice that we\u2019ll be accountable for<\/a> directly to that person on the Day of Judgment.<\/p>\n Truly Separating with Kindness<\/strong><\/p>\n I know these things may seem harder to do than say. But I don\u2019t just talk the talk. I\u2019ve walked this talk. When I separated from my ex-husband a decade ago, our daughter was four years old. He \u2014 thinking that because I\u2019m a lawyer, I will make his life miserable during and after the divorce \u2014 came at me full force.\u00a0 He did everything in his power to keep my daughter from me and to leave me in the most difficult financial situation possible, even refusing to provide spousal support or my mahr.<\/p>\n I had to fight in court for eight months to get my daughter back, but once I did, I made sure to give her every opportunity to be with him and to spend time with her father\u2019s family. It was not emotionally easy; I was extremely angry at all of them. But, I loved my daughter too much to keep her away from the cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents she loved.\u00a0 I did my best to minimize her suffering; after all, she was the only innocent party in all of it.\u00a0 Likewise, I placed my trust in Allah (swt), remembered my sustenance was written by Him and didn\u2019t ask for any support or even my mahr.<\/p>\n It took time for him and his family to realize that I was not going play dirty despite the terrible things I had been put through (I\u2019ll spare the details, but suffice it to say I could have lost my daughter permanently). I did my best to maintain civility with him and his family, not because I forgave them, but because I loved my daughter.<\/p>\n Years later, when I remarried and had my second daughter, the family of my ex-husband sent gifts for our new baby. And, my ex-husband sent the mahr he owed me for many years along with a letter of apology. When my grandmother passed away two years ago, my ex-mother-in-law hugged and consoled me. These things are unheard of in South Asian families, and I give credit to them as well for meeting me halfway.<\/p>\n The goodwill we managed to create by swallowing our anger and pride is our gift to my daughter, who deserves all the happiness she can get from two homes. It is the same gift all children of divorced parents deserve. If we choose better lives for ourselves, it\u2019s our responsibility to make sure they suffer the least amount possible for it.<\/p>\n If you are going through a divorce, or have gone through one, I hope that you will keep the mantra \u201cseparate in kindness\u201d close to your heart.\u00a0 I know we cannot always forgive the source of our pain, but ultimately it is an act of kindness unto you to be kind to others.\u00a0 As the Buddha said, \u201cholding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other to die.\u201d If you could not live together in kindness, the least you can do is separate in kindness \u2013 this is not just a request from Allah (swt), it\u2019s a command.<\/p>\n Rabia Chaudry is an attorney, president of the Safe Nation Collaborative<\/a>, an Associate Fellow of the Truman National Security Project<\/a>, and a columnist for the Muslim Channel <\/a>at Patheos<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Rabia Chaudry Part\u00a0II of a two-part series on why to get divorced, how to go about doing so and what the Quran and Sunnah have to say about divorce. Click here to read Part I. Islam does not forbid divorce, but of all the permissible things, it is the most disliked by Allah (swt).\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":590,"featured_media":5217,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,166],"tags":[57,496,543,499,26,547,546,27,453,34,544,548,545,500],"class_list":["post-5216","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-commentary","category-rabia-chaudry","tag-children","tag-divorce","tag-divorce-in-islam","tag-husband","tag-islam","tag-khula","tag-mahr","tag-muslim","tag-parents","tag-quran","tag-separate-with-kindness","tag-seperation","tag-talaq","tag-wife"],"yoast_head":"\n