{"id":654004,"date":"2015-01-13T04:15:06","date_gmt":"2015-01-13T04:15:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/?p=654004"},"modified":"2015-01-13T04:15:06","modified_gmt":"2015-01-13T04:15:06","slug":"wounded-but-healing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wounded-but-healing\/","title":{"rendered":"Wounded, but Healing"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\u201cI\u2019m at a point in my life where\u00a0everything<\/em>\u00a0is falling apart and\u00a0everything<\/em>\u00a0is coming together at the same time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Coming to the end of 2014 I found myself depleted, exhausted, and completely burnt out. I\u2019m in that season of life that I can\u2019t\u00a0afford<\/em>\u00a0to not keep going \u2013 but I haven\u2019t had the energy to <\/em>keep going.\u00a0I think some people look at me and assume that I\u2019m stronger than I actually am. But most days I\u2019m the weakest and most insecure person they\u2019ll come across.<\/p>\n

The last year\u00a0was one of the hardest years\u00a0I\u2019ve experienced in my life. It was the year in which my relationship with the church ended. It was also the year I decided<\/em>\u00a0<\/em>I\u00a0deserve<\/span><\/strong><\/em>\u00a0better.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll be honest, it cost me\u00a0everything<\/em><\/span><\/a>. It depleted me, but<\/em> it did\u00a0not<\/span>\u00a0defeat\u00a0<\/em>me.<\/p>\n

It was not until this year that I fully understood that when folks laugh at me, make fun of me, and talk shit about me it is because they are\u00a0afraid<\/span>,\u00a0jealous, or insecure themselves<\/em>. Some I think that\u00a0they are afraid that what I, and others like me, have to say is true; we\u2019re not post-racial, the church is a\u00a0cause of injustice, the ship is sinking, and that we\u2019ve been complicit to the reason(s) as to why it\u2019s sinking.<\/p>\n

\u201cBeing you to the utmost is scary because you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re capable of.\u201d \u2013 Donald Glover [aka Childish Gambino<\/span><\/a>]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I think all of this is why churches ignore intellectual thought, opposing views, or even diversity on their staff, they\u2019re afraid of being wrong. And so out of fear or frustration they hit back, anathematize, call you a heretic; they do anything and everything to make you feel small in order that you become silent. In my experience\u00a0a pastor uses dominance, authority, to belittle and degrade pushes others who challenge their system onto the street.<\/p>\n

Why? Because life is high school. Historically so is the Church; holding the keys to the kingdom, deciding who\u2019s in and who is not.<\/p>\n

Needless to say, it\u2019s soul-destroying to be in environments in which others you love don\u2019t comprehend\u00a0that racist jokes aren\u2019t funny, they\u2019re dehumanizing; that\u00a0inclusion<\/em>\u00a0isn\u2019t heresy, it\u2019s loving; that passion\u00a0isn\u2019t the same as\u00a0anger, it\u2019s deeply caring; or that doubt is\u00a0not a threat, it\u2019s others seeking\u00a0understanding. What\u2019s even more soul-destroying is to be in environments in which others you love do comprehend, but just don\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

The good news for us all is that we don\u2019t have to stay, and that we get to choose who we let into our \u201cweird little worlds.\u201d The better news is that we\u2019re not alone, I mean this literally; our numbers are growing as people are leaving, and not returning to church.<\/p>\n

In a recent podcast I interviewed Josh Packard, PhD sociologist who\u2019s research shows that I\u2019m not the only one who is tired of \u201cPlopping, praying, and paying<\/span><\/a>.\u201d We\u2019re fatigued. Tired of feeling \u201cspurned.\u201d And that we\u2019re not likely to return. The most shocking piece in this is that, \u201cThe very people on whom a church relies for lay leadership, service and financial support\u2026<\/span><\/a>\u201d we\u2019re the one\u2019s going away and unlikely to return. I\u2019ve come to find that this is just me acknowledging a system\u00a0that has made not just myself but too many others\u00a0feel small, ashamed, weak, and invisible [subscribe to podcast here<\/span><\/a>].<\/p>\n

This is my first blog post in\u00a0over a month, but this was\u00a0not<\/span><\/em><\/strong>\u00a0me giving up, this is just me moving on and taking another step forward, resetting to come back stronger. As I\u2019ve left the church, quit the pastorate, and separated from toxic relationships that have kept me small,\u00a0I\u2019m discovering it\u2019s amazing what you\u00a0can accomplish when you stop pretending to be someone you\u2019re not, and step into being the person\u00a0you truly are. They wouldn\u2019t lend us their platform, so many of us outcast, exiled, and nomadic are finding each other and building our own platforms.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m wounded, but I\u2019m healing. I was hit, but I wasn\u2019t\u00a0killed. This experience has made me weak, but in the end I\u2019m\u00a0going to come back stronger, wiser, and with others.<\/p>\n

2014 was a year of deconstructing. 2015 is a year of rebuilding.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI\u2019m at a point in my life where\u00a0everything\u00a0is falling apart and\u00a0everything\u00a0is coming together at the same time.\u201d Coming to the end of 2014 I found myself depleted, exhausted, and completely burnt out. I\u2019m in that season of life that I can\u2019t\u00a0afford\u00a0to not keep going \u2013 but I haven\u2019t had the energy to keep going.\u00a0I think […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2493,"featured_media":654017,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,19],"tags":[25,384,385,386,387],"class_list":["post-654004","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-christian","category-church","tag-andy-gill","tag-but-healing","tag-im-wounded","tag-im-wounded-but-healing","tag-wounded-but-healing"],"yoast_head":"\nWounded, but Healing<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I'm Wounded, but Healing I was hit, but it didn\u2019t kill me. 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