![\"Selma_to_Montgomery_Marches_protesters](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/604\/2015\/12\/Selma_to_Montgomery_Marches_protesters-Andy-Gill-Patheos.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nI recently lost yet another a white friend over \u201cthe issue of race.\u201d It was after repeatedly confronting him in regards to his consistent use of the \u201cn-word.\u201d He wasn\u2019t the first close friend I\u2019ve lost, but I\u2019m determined for him to be one of the last, as after these repeated instances, I\u2019m relearning who I should be surrounding myself with.<\/p>\n
But this situation, it makes me wonder if within our social media day and age, where each and everyone of us has a differing voice and inevitably differing opinion (on issues such as race relations, gun control, foreign policy, and\/or Christmas trees [or the lack thereof] on their coffee cups) if the vast majority of us are not facing the loss or schism found within so many of our close relationships.<\/p>\n
\u201cMichael Brown\u2019s death didn\u2019t cause a divide between you and the people in your social networks. It simply revealed one. Use the information you\u2019re getting to decide which relationships you value.\u201d \u2013\u00a0JEN\u00c9E DESMOND-HARRIS<\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Our culture and online environment has become increasingly erratic and our lives, at least in the states, that much more medicated and unstable. In light of all of this the question I\u2019ve been asking myself as of recently is one posed by Pramila Jayapal, in a recent article posted not too long ago, \u201cHow do we call people in even as we call them out?\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n
My immediate reaction to this question is to wonder out loud whether or not this is even realistically rational to ask.<\/p>\n
I ask this because, I\u2019ve been accused by virtually every privileged person in my life of \u201ccalling people out incorrectly\u2026\u201d Usually they don\u2019t explain, but the few that do go on to say that it\u2019s my tone, the way in which I word things, or the timing in which I bring these topics up (as if there is any correct tone, wording, or correct time for me to interrupt their comfortability).<\/p>\n
To be fair, I think many times, they\u2019re right to an extent.<\/p>\n
But, I\u2019ve come to realize that, the people that were in my life, were not able to be called out, because they were unwilling to listen to me. It\u2019s not all on them, neither is it all on me, but I\u2019ve found that, as an adult, it was and is my responsibility to curate my own healthy community. In other words, they needed to go, and the conversation was not worth having (for either of us).<\/p>\n
For instance, when I confronted my friend, admittedly, my reaction was visceral; I was triggered and enraged by his outright denial and overall ignorant insensitivity. I was hurt, as I had deemed him as an ally, and even more so, I had trusted him as a friend\u2026 that was safe. But, the hard truth was that I was na\u00efve, having ignored obvious red flags (i.e. his consistent use of the n-word when drinking, and that he was always drinking). And that it was completely irrational for me to believe that we\u2019d have a constructive conversation about his consistent use of this divisive term.<\/p>\n
Again, it\u2019s learning from this, and realizing that in certain seasons of life, we shouldn\u2019t be friends with certain types of people. After all, \u201cis it not better to light a candle than it is to curse the darkness [1]?\u201d<\/p>\n
To go back to the\u00a0question Pramila poses, I believe it to be essential, as I believe that unity is a necessity within the pursuit of an all-around just society. But, I think what might <\/em>be a better, or rather, a more preliminary question is the inverse of what Pramila is asking, that being, \u201cHow do we identify the right <\/em>and the safest<\/em> people to call in, that will then be willing and abled, to be called out?\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s tough, for many of us, to find these when we haven\u2019t ever experienced them. It\u2019s even tougher to break a cycle of surrounding oneself with toxic people. Not that one is attracted to abuse, but rather their drawn to what\u2019s always been familiar.<\/strong><\/p>\n
I\u2019m admittedly still figuring these out and always going to be tweaking these\u00a0as I go on. Either way, I\u2019ve noticed a few things in which have helped me identify and find healthier relationships and an overall better life\u2026<\/p>\n
\n
- The first is simply finding a safe space. We, I believe, to a large extent, have the ability to create the environment in which we experience\u2026 Acknowledge and identify the safe, stable, mature people around you, while ridding your life of those that aren\u2019t. Many times, this means leaving, the space your currently in, this can be the hardest, yet most necessary, thing to do in your entire life.<\/li>\n
- The hardest one for me is to look in the mirror, and ask whether or not\u00a0I am safe for them (the person I disagree with)? It\u2019s not just about you or I, but it also comes down to our own maturity, humility, and what\u2019s best for any given community. Are we humble and mature enough to take on a differing perspective in which we might adamantly disagree with? Are we in control enough to be able to take on a differing\u00a0perspective and use our minds to strategize in order to create a safe space for the both of you to agree\u2026?<\/li>\n
- The cheesiest, and most cliche is to stay positive. Not the kind in which the book \u201cThe Secret\u201d is talking about. But the kind of positivity in which allows you the energy to keep going, while enabling you to continue rebuilding. It\u2019s easy to get caught in the cycle of pure negativity.<\/li>\n
- And the last is to merely ask these questions: 1) Will the conversation be productive? 2) Is it worth it? 3) What is your motivation? And 4) How can you make this a positive interaction for the both of you\u2026?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
So, how do we call people in even as we call them out? For most of us, as \u201cprogressive Christians\u201d dealing with not-so-progressive environments (especially during the holidays), the simple and hard cut answer is, \u201cDon\u2019t,\u201d because you they won\u2019t hear you, you won\u2019t hear them, and it won\u2019t be productive \u2013 it will most likely only show it self as hurtful. But, the good news is that our world is bigger than our former evangelical bubble, that there are non-authoritarian, inclusively accepting, people out there. And, to be fair if you\u2019re on the opposite end of the spectrum there are also your kind of demographic out there too!<\/p>\n
I think that once many of us have found this sense of stability and safety in an environment we trust, our lives are then much more abled to constructively and effectively confront the injustice within our world. Because, lets be honest, not all of us have this privilege of constructing or reconstructing a safe community. I think that once we do this, it\u2019s then our job to spread this, and invite others into this\u2026<\/p>\n
[If you enjoyed this article check out my recent interview with Deborah Jian Lee on \u201cRescuing Jesus: How People of Color, Women and Queer Christians are Reclaiming Evangelicalism\u201d<\/a> \u2013 and you can subscribe to the blog here<\/span><\/a><\/span>]<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
[1]Eleanor Roosevelt quote.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I recently lost yet another a white friend over \u201cthe issue of race.\u201d It was after repeatedly confronting him in regards to his consistent use of the \u201cn-word.\u201d He wasn\u2019t the first close friend I\u2019ve lost, but I\u2019m determined for him to be one of the last, as after these repeated instances, I\u2019m relearning who […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2493,"featured_media":655113,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14,456,82],"tags":[559,298,560],"class_list":["post-654612","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-life","category-politics","category-race","tag-how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out","tag-jenee-desmond-harris","tag-pramila-jayapal"],"yoast_head":"\n
"How do we call people in even as we call them out?"<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I recently lost yet another a white friend over \u201cthe issue of race.\u201d It was after repeatedly confronting him in regards to his consistent use of the\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\""How do we call people in even as we call them out?"\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I recently lost yet another a white friend over \u201cthe issue of race.\u201d It was after repeatedly confronting him in regards to his consistent use of the\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Andy Gill\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-05-06T21:13:14+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-05-06T23:12:57+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/604\/2015\/12\/Selma_to_Montgomery_Marches_protesters-Andy-Gill-Patheos.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"550\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"374\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Andy Gill\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Andy Gill\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/\",\"name\":\"\\\"How do we call people in even as we call them out?\\\"\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2016-05-06T21:13:14+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-05-06T23:12:57+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/#\/schema\/person\/4db132075291b01585ac509973439e59\"},\"description\":\"I recently lost yet another a white friend over \u201cthe issue of race.\u201d It was after repeatedly confronting him in regards to his consistent use of the\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"“How do we call people in even as we call them out?”\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/\",\"name\":\"Andy Gill\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/#\/schema\/person\/4db132075291b01585ac509973439e59\",\"name\":\"Andy Gill\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/fd242f2de7cb0eb5e7189ccb783e0b63?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/fd242f2de7cb0eb5e7189ccb783e0b63?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Andy Gill\"},\"description\":\"Andy Gill has studied theology for two years in Princeton and graduating from Eastern University stepped into pastoral ministry in southern California. His passion is to communicate on topics such as the pursuit of justice, equality, and how that interacts with one\u2019s faith and theology. Currently he resides in Philadelphia and works with youth. He consults and utilizes social media as medium to share these messages. Andy has been featured on sites such as RELEVANT Magazine, Red Letter Christians, ThoughtCatalog, and various other platforms. You can find him tweeting daily, and writing weekly at his personal blog - feel free to follow along by liking his Facebook page.\",\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/author\/agill\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"\"How do we call people in even as we call them out?\"","description":"I recently lost yet another a white friend over \u201cthe issue of race.\u201d It was after repeatedly confronting him in regards to his consistent use of the","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"\"How do we call people in even as we call them out?\"","og_description":"I recently lost yet another a white friend over \u201cthe issue of race.\u201d It was after repeatedly confronting him in regards to his consistent use of the","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/","og_site_name":"Andy Gill","article_published_time":"2016-05-06T21:13:14+00:00","article_modified_time":"2016-05-06T23:12:57+00:00","og_image":[{"width":550,"height":374,"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/604\/2015\/12\/Selma_to_Montgomery_Marches_protesters-Andy-Gill-Patheos.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Andy Gill","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Andy Gill","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/","name":"\"How do we call people in even as we call them out?\"","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/#website"},"datePublished":"2016-05-06T21:13:14+00:00","dateModified":"2016-05-06T23:12:57+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/#\/schema\/person\/4db132075291b01585ac509973439e59"},"description":"I recently lost yet another a white friend over \u201cthe issue of race.\u201d It was after repeatedly confronting him in regards to his consistent use of the","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/how-do-we-call-people-in-even-as-we-call-them-out\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"“How do we call people in even as we call them out?”"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/","name":"Andy Gill","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/#\/schema\/person\/4db132075291b01585ac509973439e59","name":"Andy Gill","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/fd242f2de7cb0eb5e7189ccb783e0b63?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/fd242f2de7cb0eb5e7189ccb783e0b63?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Andy Gill"},"description":"Andy Gill has studied theology for two years in Princeton and graduating from Eastern University stepped into pastoral ministry in southern California. His passion is to communicate on topics such as the pursuit of justice, equality, and how that interacts with one\u2019s faith and theology. Currently he resides in Philadelphia and works with youth. He consults and utilizes social media as medium to share these messages. Andy has been featured on sites such as RELEVANT Magazine, Red Letter Christians, ThoughtCatalog, and various other platforms. You can find him tweeting daily, and writing weekly at his personal blog - feel free to follow along by liking his Facebook page.","sameAs":["http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/"],"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/author\/agill\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/654612","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2493"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=654612"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/654612\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/655113"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=654612"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=654612"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/andygill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=654612"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}