{"id":296,"date":"2014-06-09T21:07:04","date_gmt":"2014-06-10T01:07:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/?p=296"},"modified":"2019-09-25T15:37:58","modified_gmt":"2019-09-25T19:37:58","slug":"my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/","title":{"rendered":"My husband is in over his head – how do I fix him?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"<\/p>\n

Dear Shaunti,
\nI recently read For Women Only<\/em> and I now realize how important it is for my husband to know I respect him \u2013 which I do. But I come from a long line of \u201cstrong women\u201d (as my dad puts it) and none of us is afraid to voice an opinion. Including telling our husbands how to do things, like what to do with the kids while we\u2019re out for a few hours, or the most efficient route to soccer practice that avoids the traffic bottlenecks. It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t trust him, I\u2019m just very particular, I guess. But it makes him upset. How do I convey respect to him when I just know he\u2019s in over his head and needs help?
\n-WIT (Wife In Training)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear WIT,
\nI\u2019m trying hard to read your last sentence with a straight face. Did you really just say \u201chow do I convey respect\u201d and \u201che\u2019s in over his head and needs help\u201d in the same sentence?<\/p>\n

Sister, you need a wake-up call. Let\u2019s be really honest about the main problem here: you don\u2019t trust him. If you did, you wouldn\u2019t have to give him a minute-by-minute schedule of everything that needs to happen with the kids during the three hours that you are out with your sister. You\u2019d be totally fine with the fact that he prefers taking the five extra minutes on the way to soccer, instead of appreciating the brilliance of your winding-back-road-and-hair-raising-left-turn-across-two-lanes-of-traffic route.<\/p>\n

Instead, you want it your <\/em>way \u2026 so you feel a need to tell him what to do. Which comes across as though you view him in the same way as you\u2019d view a slightly in-over-his-head 14-year-old on his first babysitting job. (\u201cSo first, you have to make sure you microwave the soup about 90 seconds, because 2 minutes will make it too hot\u2026\u201d)<\/p>\n

I mean, seriously: how must your approach look to him? After all, there are other day-to-day things you probably trust him with completely, right? You trust that he\u2019s not going to take Fido to work in the middle of the summer, and leave him locked in the car all day with the windows rolled up. You don\u2019t need to tell him that, because you know he\u2019s not an idiot.<\/p>\n

So realize that each time you tell him what to do in these other similar day-to-day things of life, that it automatically means that you think he needs<\/em> the help, the poor dear. In other words: in your mind, he is an idiot. And that feeling is terrible for anyone \u2013 but especially guys, since their greatest emotional need is to feel able and respected for what they do.<\/p>\n

Yes, absolutely, there are always things that any of us might need help on. The first time my husband showed me how to use the snowblower, it took some getting used to. The first time I showed him how to use a complicated inhaler contraption for our toddler daughter, he needed to try it a few times. All the men I interviewed for my book For Women Only<\/em><\/a> told me that they realize there are times help is needed. The key is to ask him, \u201cDo you want any help, or are you good?\u201d And if he says he\u2019s fine, let him give it a shot\u2026 without standing there anxiously, which means (in his mind) you\u2019re just waiting for him to fail.<\/p>\n

If you can reach out to your husband and find a way to be a true, respectful partner and not an I-want-it-my-way-criticizer, I promise you it will build your relationship. Because instead of giving up because he feels like he can\u2019t win, he will feel confident that he can step out and become the man you want him to be.<\/p>\n

\n

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at NDuncan@shaunti.com<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only<\/em><\/a>, For Men Only<\/em><\/a>, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage<\/a><\/em>, <\/em>and her newest book, Through A Man\u2019s Eyes<\/a><\/i>. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her \ufb01ndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com<\/a> for more.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Shaunti, I recently read For Women Only and I now realize how important it is for my husband to know I respect him \u2013 which I do. But I come from a long line of \u201cstrong women\u201d (as my dad puts it) and none of us is afraid to voice an opinion. Including telling […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1684,"featured_media":7125,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5430,17],"tags":[9,23,7,6,29],"class_list":["post-296","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-editors-choice","category-marriage","tag-brains","tag-communication","tag-men","tag-relationships","tag-respect"],"yoast_head":"\nMy husband is in over his head - how do I fix him?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Dear Shaunti, I recently read For Women Only and I now realize how important it is for my husband to know I respect him \u2013 which I do. But I come from a\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"My husband is in over his head - how do I fix him?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Dear Shaunti, I recently read For Women Only and I now realize how important it is for my husband to know I respect him \u2013 which I do. But I come from a\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Ask Shaunti\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-06-10T01:07:04+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2019-09-25T19:37:58+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/392\/2014\/06\/couples-Patheos-Shaunti-Feldhahn-7.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"550\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"300\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Shaunti Feldhahn\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Shaunti Feldhahn\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/\",\"name\":\"My husband is in over his head - how do I fix him?\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2014-06-10T01:07:04+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2019-09-25T19:37:58+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#\/schema\/person\/b4a7584f5c1d065cf5bb9cc5f34d0f19\"},\"description\":\"Dear Shaunti, I recently read For Women Only and I now realize how important it is for my husband to know I respect him \u2013 which I do. But I come from a\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"My husband is in over his head – how do I fix him?\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/\",\"name\":\"Ask Shaunti\",\"description\":\"Marriage, Sex, Relationships\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#\/schema\/person\/b4a7584f5c1d065cf5bb9cc5f34d0f19\",\"name\":\"Shaunti Feldhahn\",\"description\":\"Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man\u2019s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her \ufb01ndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more. Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/author\/sfeldhahn\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"My husband is in over his head - how do I fix him?","description":"Dear Shaunti, I recently read For Women Only and I now realize how important it is for my husband to know I respect him \u2013 which I do. But I come from a","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"My husband is in over his head - how do I fix him?","og_description":"Dear Shaunti, I recently read For Women Only and I now realize how important it is for my husband to know I respect him \u2013 which I do. But I come from a","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/","og_site_name":"Ask Shaunti","article_published_time":"2014-06-10T01:07:04+00:00","article_modified_time":"2019-09-25T19:37:58+00:00","og_image":[{"width":550,"height":300,"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/392\/2014\/06\/couples-Patheos-Shaunti-Feldhahn-7.png","type":"image\/png"}],"author":"Shaunti Feldhahn","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Shaunti Feldhahn","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/","name":"My husband is in over his head - how do I fix him?","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#website"},"datePublished":"2014-06-10T01:07:04+00:00","dateModified":"2019-09-25T19:37:58+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#\/schema\/person\/b4a7584f5c1d065cf5bb9cc5f34d0f19"},"description":"Dear Shaunti, I recently read For Women Only and I now realize how important it is for my husband to know I respect him \u2013 which I do. But I come from a","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2014\/06\/my-husband-is-in-over-his-head-how-do-i-fix-him\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"My husband is in over his head – how do I fix him?"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/","name":"Ask Shaunti","description":"Marriage, Sex, Relationships","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#\/schema\/person\/b4a7584f5c1d065cf5bb9cc5f34d0f19","name":"Shaunti Feldhahn","description":"Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man\u2019s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her \ufb01ndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more. Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/author\/sfeldhahn\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/296","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1684"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=296"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/296\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7125"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=296"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=296"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=296"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}