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Jabbing the key into the ignition, he looks up as she finally open the door to get in the car. He says with irritation, \u201cHurry up, we\u2019re going to be late!\u201d<\/p>\n
She\u2019s fuming, too. \u201cI had to drop everything and look for the missing soccer shirt, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n
Silence. Simmering tempers. But then . . . silliness. He sings, \u201cI\u2019m late, I\u2019m late, for a very important date!\u201d \u2014 the repetition of an oft-repeated joke in their house.<\/p>\n
They look at each other and she laughs, giving that \u201cAre we OK?\u201d head tilt. The corners of his mouth sneak up into a sly smile. The kids are laughing in the backseat \u2014 they\u2019ve heard that silly phrase a thousand times before too. Suddenly, everything is okay.<\/p>\n
How many times have moments of irritation or feelings of frustration sent your relationship into a tailspin? When people are tired or stressed (or late!) it doesn\u2019t take much for things to escalate into a full-blown argument, right?<\/p>\n
But believe it or not, it also doesn\u2019t take much to suddenly make up\u2014and grow even closer.<\/p>\n
Our research with 1,000 couples for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/a><\/i> <\/i>identified a few ways to use humor (and one way NOT to!) to ease tension and create a great relationship with your mate.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Use inside jokes to make an instant connection (or reconnection) with your spouse<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Private jokes create a world that is only inhabited by the two of you. They\u2019re reminders of funny experiences you\u2019ve had together and the history you share. Which is essential not only for staying connected day-to-day but also for reconnecting after an argument.<\/p>\n In fact, our research<\/a> found that 70% of the most happily married couples have ways of signaling \u201cWe\u2019re okay\u201d after conflict \u2014 a way of telling their mate that they\u2019re sorry they got mad and they want to make up. <\/b>For some couples it was a certain touch, for others it was a particular look or gesture. But very often it was a reference to a shared inside joke.<\/p>\n My favorite was the anonymous, manly-looking man who told me, with an embarrassed grin, that in his marriage, his signal was to come up to his wife and cock his head and meow. (He never shared the backstory behind that one!)<\/p>\n There are as many ways to reconnect as there are couples in this world. But for all of us, humor is one lighthearted way to send a signal that everything\u2019s OK.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Always make sure the humor is kind.\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n There is a fine line between joking and teasing. And there\u2019s a difference between teasing that\u2019s all in good fun and teasing that hits a soft spot. As married couples, <\/b>we\u2019re more vulnerable to our spouses than anyone else in the world\u2014and they are more vulnerable to ours.\u00a0 You know your mate\u2019s weaknesses, quirks, vanities, and insecurities. Maybe he\u2019s sensitive about his thinning hair or whether he\u2019s any good at changing a diaper.\u00a0Maybe she\u2019s heard enough short jokes to last a lifetime, or dislikes how loud her voice is.<\/p>\n Always be sensitive to your spouse\u2019s vulnerabilities. Never, ever let your humor cross the line. And they<\/i> get to decide where that line is! If you do cross it \u2014 which you might not realize until it\u2019s too late \u2014 apologize immediately and sincerely. Then make a note to never do that again.<\/p>\n As much as possible, avoid sarcasm; our research found that it can easily be interpreted as hurtful without you ever realizing it.\u00a0And this should go without saying, but I\u2019ll say it anyway: humor at the expense of the other person is always a bad thing. If you make fun of anyone, make fun of yourself. Self-deprecating humor can break down walls of anger and conflict.<\/p>\n Bottom line: always keep kindness at the heart of your humor. (To learn how to catch your particular patterns of unkindness that you aren\u2019t aware of, check out The Kindness Challenge<\/em><\/a>.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Don\u2019t use humor to gloss over or avoid real issues your mate is trying to raise<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n If your mate is trying to raise a real issue, set the humor aside for a moment and listen. Sometimes joking around is a way of delaying difficult conversations. It can be easy to hide behind jokes to avoid dealing with the nitty-gritty of a serious relationship issue. But that devalues your spouse and the very real issues that affect your marriage.\u00a0It says, \u201cI don\u2019t care about this issue you\u2019re trying to raise.\u201d\u00a0Which, to your hurting mate, can wrongly imply, \u201cI don\u2019t care about you.\u201d<\/p>\n For example, let\u2019s suppose he hates being late to church, and she doesn\u2019t seem any urgency to get there on time.\u00a0 So one day he tries to raise how humiliating it feels to always walk in late to church, and she starts joking about it. (\u201cYou\u2019re telling me! Remember that time we were hurrying in during the offering and Brendan accidentally tripped the guy collecting the baskets and spilled cash all over the floor?!\u201d)\u00a0She may be trying to avoid the difficult conversation (or the difficult truth), but in doing so she is using humor to say \u201cI don\u2019t care about what matters to you.\u201d<\/p>\n If you\u2019ve ever heard the words, \u201cI\u2019m not kidding!\u201d that\u2019s a sign that you\u2019ve pushed your spouse too far.\u00a0That is when you pause, say \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I was wrong to joke about that.\u00a0I know this matters to you.\u201d\u00a0Then take a deep breath, and tell your mate you\u2019re ready to listen. It\u2019s time to be brave, focus in, get real, and address the matter at hand.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Know how to make your partner smile \u2014 and do it!<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Finally, learn what is guaranteed to elicit a smile from your partner.\u00a0What is the celebrity impression you do or that goofy dance move that hits the funny bone without being over-the-top or seeming out of touch with the need of the moment? When tensions run high, a random act of silliness can lighten the mood and put things into perspective. A moment of humor can convey: \u201cI love you, let\u2019s get beyond this. In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?\u201d And when spouses know each other well, they can interpret all of that \u2014 even when they\u2019re in public!<\/p>\n That\u2019s the power of intimacy.<\/p>\n There\u2019s nothing sweeter than shared laughter between friends \u2014 even more so between spouses. Use your history and shared memories to create kindhearted humor and let laughter provide the sweetness that can ease otherwise difficult moments in your relationship.<\/p>\n Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only<\/em><\/a>, For Men Only<\/em><\/a>, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage<\/em><\/a>)<\/p>\n Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge<\/a><\/em>, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com<\/a> for more.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Learn what is guaranteed to elicit a smile from your partner. When tensions run high, a random act of silliness can lighten the mood.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1684,"featured_media":7152,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,1],"tags":[23,52,5417,51,5415],"class_list":["post-3775","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage","category-uncategorized","tag-communication","tag-conflict","tag-humor","tag-love","tag-marriage"],"yoast_head":"\n<\/a>Tweet this: 70% of the most happily married couples have ways of signaling they\u2019re okay after conflict.<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/a>Tweet this: Always be sensitive to your spouse\u2019s vulnerabilities. Never, ever let your humor cross the line. <\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/a>Tweet this: When tensions run high, a random act of silliness can lighten the mood and put things into perspective. <\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n
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