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Back in the day, I was an analyst on Wall Street. In the world of finance, there are all sorts of sexy, exotic ways to earn and save extra money, but one of the most proven methods is also the most basic: a phenomenon known as compound interest. Dave Ramsey calls it a \u201cmathematical explosion.\u201d If you invest money, you receive the return back with the interest earned. If you then reinvest that return, you earn interest on<\/i> the interest. Mathematical explosion\u2026boom!<\/p>\n
It turns out, we can do the same thing in marriage. Over the course of several research studies, we discovered a few specific ways to \u201cinvest\u201d in marriage that deliver compound results\u2014results that end up being far sexier than you might expect. (And yes, one of them involves sex!)<\/p>\n
Whether you\u2019re in a great place in your marriage or are really discouraged and barely hanging on, try these five steps and watch your marriage respond in an explosive way.<\/p>\n
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Step 1: Assume the best of your spouse\u2019s intentions toward you<\/b><\/p>\n
Straight up, assume<\/a><\/i> th<\/a><\/i>at<\/a><\/i> your spouse cares for you, and doesn\u2019t mean to hurt you<\/a><\/i>. In my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/a><\/i>, this one habit was clearly the most important for those who want a happy marriage.<\/p>\n When your spouse hurts your feelings (since we will all hurt each other\u2019s feelings from time to time!) don\u2019t assume \u201che doesn\u2019t care\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ll never be able to please her.\u201d Instead, assume the best of your spouse\u2019s intentions toward you: in other words, that your spouse really does<\/i> love you, respect you, and wants the best for you. In my research, more than 99% of people cared about their mates \u2014 and the number was almost the same even among the most struggling couples! (97 percent.) In fact, out of the 1,261 people officially surveyed, only nine people said they no longer cared. Not 9 percent but nine people<\/i>! Even the best among us can be a jerk sometimes, but it doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019ve stopped caring.<\/p>\n So, the next time your husband is late for a big dinner (when he knows <\/i>how important it is) or your wife forgets to take her car in to the shop (when she knows <\/i>that that means you\u2019ll have to miss the football game to do it yourself), remember this step. It is fine to acknowledge being disappointed. But absolutely stop yourself from thinking \u201che\/she doesn\u2019t care about me.\u201d Instead, remember that because they do <\/i>care they are not intentionally trying to disappoint you or selfishly exploit you.<\/p>\n By choosing to respond as if the most generous explanation is the true one, you will find that it is suddenly easier to respond well. The choice to believe in your spouse\u2019s goodwill may start out being difficult, but you\u2019ll also find that it quickly becomes natural.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Step 2: Learnt little things that most hurt or heal your spouse\u2019s<\/em> feelings \u2014 not yours.<\/b><\/p>\n I spoke at a women\u2019s lunch yesterday and shared a few truths about men<\/a> and relationships that women tend to not realize. And in the book signing line afterward I heard, yet again, from a sweet single mom, the saddest thing I routinely hear: \u201cIf I had known just a few of these things two years ago, I wouldn\u2019t be divorced right now.\u201d<\/p>\n There are so many marriages that are suffering from something as tragically stupid as a lack of a little information: especially about what most hurts or heals the feelings of the opposite sex. <\/i>And gaining just a little new knowledge about those things that hurt or heal our mate\u2019s feelings are often life-changing!<\/p>\n For example, ladies, we don\u2019t realize that men look all strong and confident \u2013 and can be absolutely crushed by what seem like minor words of criticism that we toss out without thinking. (\u201cI can\u2019t believe you forgot to give Parker his lunch box for school today!\u201d \u201cDid you even look at how wrinkled the clothes were getting when you crammed them in the drawers?\u201d) Why? Because unlike us, men live with a deep-seated doubt about whether they measure up. Feeling inadequate is, statistically, the most painful feeling a man can feel. Those sorts of off-the-cuff statements wouldn\u2019t bother us in quite the same way, so we simply don\u2019t realize how much they hurt his feelings\u2014or how often we say them.<\/p>\n On the other hand, men, you can crush your wife without realizing it, by (for example) working a gazillion hours to provide for your family and not realizing that, statistically, your wife would probably trade off the extra money and extra stuff if it just meant she could get more of you. <\/i>Instead, you sacrifice going to Parker\u2019s soccer games to provide more for the family\u2014and don\u2019t see how deeply your constant absences hurt her heart.<\/p>\n Once we learn what matters most \u2013 not to us but to our spouse \u2013 suddenly we will see every day how a few simple changes will make a big difference. (I don\u2019t want to make this a commercial, but truly, the simple information in For Women Only<\/a><\/i> and For Men Only<\/a><\/i> is often enough all on its own.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Step 3: Be the first one to change<\/b><\/p>\n Now that you are assuming the best in your spouse and willing to learn, stop waiting around! You<\/i> be the change agent! Don\u2019t say to yourself, \u201cI\u2019ll do my part once he does his,\u201d or, \u201cI\u2019ll stop being distant once she apologizes.\u201d Because if you wait, that means you\u2019ll be actively withholding <\/i>the words or actions of affection or appreciation that will end up making all the difference!<\/p>\n And doing those things actively changes how you see your marriage. In my most recent research project, on the 30-Day Kindness Challenge<\/a>, I found that when you purposefully look for the good in your spouse and applaud it daily, the most important and immediate change you\u2019ll see will be in you.<\/i><\/b> You will see \u201capplause-worthy\u201d things you simply never noticed before\u2014which makes you like your spouse more! Which then makes continuing the change easier and easier over time.<\/p>\n So today leave a note on the mirror letting your husband know you\u2019re wishing him luck on that construction deal, and that you\u2019re proud of him. Or tell your wife how nice she looks when she comes down the stairs ready for work. Your perception of your spouse will become more positive the more you act loving first \u2014 and keep it going, regardless of whether it is reciprocated.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Step 4: Prioritize sex<\/b><\/p>\n Here\u2019s that topic I promised. Many different research studies \u2014 both my own and those of other researchers \u2014 have found that one of the most crucial little things a couple can do to strengthen their marriage is to connect in sexual intimacy on a regular basis.<\/p>\n It is very easy to let sex go, or even actively avoid it, when we are busy, stretched, or at odds with one another. And yet that creates a negative spiral. Because as I discuss elsewhere<\/a>, our desire for sex (especially among women) actually decreases as we stop having it. Which leaves this absolutely crucial type of marital connection and intimacy something that can feel like a chore or even a selfish demand. And yet as we make sexual connection a priority (ideally once a week or more), science has found that we will want sex more<\/a>, and it will become a positive spiral instead.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Step 5: Watch for and build on any<\/em> dividends you see from your spouse<\/b><\/p>\n Now it\u2019s time to reinvest those dividends! When you are assuming the best in your spouse and working on the things you <\/i>can do, you are showing one-sided kindness toward your spouse. And in almost 15 years of research, I\u2019ve found that kindness really is a superpower<\/a><\/i><\/b>. It is supernatural and transformational. So statistically, at some point in your one-sided effort you will<\/i> start to see improvement. Not only will you begin to change the way you see your spouse but your spouse will begin to change as well.<\/p>\n So, keep a sharp lookout for anything <\/i>different. When you begin to see a tiny spark of something new and positive from your spouse, love and honor them even more. Respond positively to that spark! It means an explosion is on the horizon.<\/p>\n Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only<\/em><\/a>, For Men Only<\/em><\/a>, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage<\/em><\/a>)<\/p>\n Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge<\/a><\/em>, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com<\/a> for more.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Assume the best of your spouse\u2019s intentions toward you: in other words, that your spouse really does love you, respect you, and wants the best for you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1684,"featured_media":7161,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[51,5415,5493,28],"class_list":["post-4125","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-passion","tag-romance"],"yoast_head":"\n<\/a>Tweet this: Assume that your spouse cares for you, and doesn\u2019t mean to hurt you.<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/a>Tweet this: Gaining just a little new knowledge about those things that hurt or heal our mate\u2019s feelings is often life-changing!<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/a>Tweet this: Look for the good in your spouse and applaud it daily.<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/a>Tweet this: One of the most crucial little things a couple can do to strengthen their marriage is to connect in sexual intimacy.<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/a>Tweet this: When you begin to see a tiny spark of something new and positive from your spouse, love and honor them even more.<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n
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