{"id":4266,"date":"2018-01-25T07:51:56","date_gmt":"2018-01-25T11:51:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/?p=4266"},"modified":"2018-01-28T16:12:11","modified_gmt":"2018-01-28T20:12:11","slug":"3-reasons-your-wife-wont-tell-you-exactly-what-she-wants","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2018\/01\/3-reasons-your-wife-wont-tell-you-exactly-what-she-wants\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Reasons Your Wife Won’t Tell You Exactly What She Wants"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"1
\nNot long ago, someone we know got engaged via a multi-stage, elaborate proposal that had clearly taken an immense amount of thought and effort. A mutual friend, upon hearing the story, told him, \u201cGood job. Only 9,999,999 tests left to go.\u201d The lucky groom, of course, wondered: why do women \u201ctest\u201d and \u201cplay games\u201d with their men at all? He said, \u201cShe wouldn\u2019t just tell <\/i>me she wanted me to come up with something big like that. She said, \u2018Whatever you want\u2019 but I suspected that she didn\u2019t really mean it.\u00a0I wish she would have just told me.\u00a0But at least I got it right this time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Guys, there are 3 key reasons your wife wants you <\/i>to figure out what she wants, rather than just telling you. (These aren\u2019t my opinion, but are the results of years of research and nationally representative surveys of women for For Men Only.<\/a><\/i>) I know these may seem absolutely crazy, but once you realize the truth of these factors \u2013 and learn to see and respond to them \u2013 you\u2019ve truly cracked the code.\u00a0Those things that probably most confuse you about women won\u2019t confuse you anymore.<\/p>\n

So read closely \u2013 and if you don\u2019t think these three reasons could possibly be true, ask your wife!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"2
\nReason #1:\u00a0If you make the effort to figure it out, it means she\u2019s worth the effort. <\/b><\/p>\n

You know how you look confident, but on the inside you privately worry whether you measure up? \u00a0Well, your wife has a different private worry: somewhere deep inside, every day, she wonders whether she is worth loving. Whether she matters. Whether she is lovable.<\/p>\n

That question never goes away (just like you probably never get to a point that you feel as confident as you look). So each day, she\u2019s looking for your signals as to the answer to that question. \u00a0When you say \u201cI love you\u201d it signals that she is lovable. It reassures her that she must be worth loving, when you, this amazing man, make an effort to think through and understand why she might be upset rather than making her simply tell you.\u00a0For example, it reassures her that she\u2019s special, when you study her enough to know that she is completely frazzled and that it would mean a lot if you offered to take the kids so she can rest \u2013 without her having to tell you that.<\/p>\n


\n\"3
\nReason #2: If you figure it out and do something about it, it shows that you care.<\/b><\/p>\n

You think it is the action that matters \u2013 which is why you wish she would just tell you what action she wants. Do you want me to take the kids to the park so you can rest? Do you want me to take you out to a quiet dinner for your birthday, or have a get-together with friends? While you\u2019re upset with me right now, do you want me to apologize or leave you alone?<\/p>\n

In the midst of those conundrums you\u2019re probably thinking, \u201cJust tell me what to do, and I\u2019ll do it!\u201d But always remember that the \u201cdoing\u201d isn\u2019t always the most crucial thing. What matters to her is the fact that you made the effort to figure out what matters to her. \u00a0It shows she is worth that effort (see Reason #1) and \u2013 even more important \u2013 it shows that you care enough about her to make that effort for her.<\/p>\n


\n\"4<\/p>\n

Reason #3: If she has to tell you, she\u2019ll never know whether you did it because you wanted to, or simply because she told you to.<\/b><\/p>\n

Guys, we women don\u2019t realize that you want <\/i>to do those things that will make us happy.\u00a0In other words, because of that secret \u201cam I loveable\u201d insecurity, we subconsciously may not believe that you want to \u201cdo\u201d things for us because <\/i>you care about us.<\/p>\n

So when we tell you what we want you to do, and you do it, we honestly, truly don\u2019t know whether you are doing it because you really wanted to \u2013 or just because you are putting up with us and doing it because we asked you to.<\/p>\n

So men, here\u2019s the bottom line: practice studying your wife. Don\u2019t roll your eyes whenever you see what feels like a test. (As you can imagine, that makes her self-doubt worse!) Instead, use it as an opportunity to show her that she is <\/i>someone who is loveable \u2013 and loved.\u00a0And if you build up that certainty in her, you\u2019ll see those tests a lot less often.<\/p>\n

\n

Want to know how <\/em><\/strong>to be kind, when you really don\u2019t want to be? Looking for encouragement for your marriage or parenting struggles? Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here<\/a>!<\/p>\n

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only<\/em><\/a>, For Men Only<\/em><\/a>, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage<\/a><\/em>).<\/p>\n

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge<\/a> <\/em>demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com<\/a> for more.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Men, here\u2019s the bottom line: practice studying your wife. Don\u2019t roll your eyes whenever you see what feels like a test. The reasons go far deeper than that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1684,"featured_media":4268,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[23,5415,18],"class_list":["post-4266","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-communication","tag-marriage","tag-women"],"yoast_head":"\n3 Reasons Your Wife Won't Tell You Exactly What She Wants<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Men, here\u2019s the bottom line: practice studying your wife. Don\u2019t roll your eyes whenever you see what feels like a test. 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