![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/392\/2014\/08\/couples-Patheos-Shaunti-Feldhahn-6.png\")
\n<\/a>Dear Shaunti:<\/strong><\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been married for 15 years, and my wife is a great mom, a great wife, and my best friend. I feel like things are going great. My wife, on the other hand, has started telling me that we\u2019ve \u201csettled\u201d for a mediocre marriage. I tell her I love her every day, but sometimes she will still say things like, \u201cDo you really<\/em> love me?\u201d I finally asked her why she would even wonder<\/em> that, and she said there\u2019s no sense of connection anymore, and that I\u2019m just going through the motions. I have no idea what she means, or what to do. Last weekend I told her to pick a new restaurant for a date night instead of our old standby, thinking that would spice things up a bit. When she cried over her shrimp cocktail, I realized just how clueless I am.<\/strong> Dear Mr. Mediocre:<\/p>\n You\u2019re not mediocre! But you are woefully behind in learning what women most need from their men \u2013 and what your wife almost certainly needs from you.<\/p>\n While a guy rarely questions whether his wife loves him, most women never get that sense of certainty<\/em>. My husband, Jeff, and I found in our research with women<\/a> that 80% of women \u2014 even confident women in great relationships \u2014 have a subconscious daily question about whether they are loved and loveable. So you can put a ring on her finger and vow to love and cherish her forever, but that doesn\u2019t mean she\u2019s going to feel<\/em> loved and cherished as long as you both shall live unless you do things every day<\/em> to show<\/em> her that you would choose her all over again.<\/p>\n I have a friend who says being with her husband is a bit like being a lonely radio receiving tower. She\u2019s sure, mentally, that her husband loves her, but if he doesn\u2019t broadcast that message on a frequency she can receive, well\u2026she\u2019ll never receive it. So she simply doesn\u2019t feel<\/em> loved.<\/p>\n I\u2019m betting the same is true of your wife.<\/p>\n When your wife says you\u2019ve settled for a mediocre marriage, that doesn\u2019t mean (or JUST mean) that she\u2019s tired of the same routine. What she\u2019s trying to tell you is that she wants you to start broadcasting the same message every day that you did when you were dating: that she is amazing, that you love her, that she is a great wife and mom and best friend, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. You can\u2019t stop sending that message that you want<\/em> her simply because you already have<\/em> her! She needs to see<\/em> your love for her, every day.<\/p>\n Here is my husband, Jeff\u2019s, analogy for this: Think about your first car. Even if it was an old rust-bucket with doors that were painted a different color from the rest of the car, you loved it, right? Not to mention the nicer car that you got when you could finally afford it. Because that was your baby. You put all kinds of time and money into shining her up and making her look nice. And remember\u2026 you put all that time and money into the car after<\/em> you bought it. Once the deal was already done.<\/p>\n Marriage isn\u2019t all that different. Because in your wife\u2019s mind, her \u201cI do\u201d will always mean, \u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n So. It\u2019s time to start doing the things you did to win your wife\u2019s heart in the first place. It is time to start pursuing her again.<\/p>\n Now, at this point, Jeff tells me I have to reassure you: Don\u2019t freak out. This doesn\u2019t mean planning the big gestures you found so exhausting when you were dating! You don\u2019t have to start jumping out of airplanes or planning a second wedding.<\/p>\n You\u2019ll be relieved to know: it is the little day-to-day things that pack the biggest punch. When was the last time you wrote her a text message that told her that you love her and that you are so amazed at what a great mom she is? When is the last time you took a five minute break during work to call her and ask how her day was going? Have you put your arm around her recently, when you were out at a restaurant with friends? If she needed to talk about her problems with the kids, have you learned how to listen to her feelings so she feels heard?<\/a><\/p>\n I mean, it\u2019s not like you can buy a car, throw it in a field and let it rust and expect it to purr like it did when you first got it.<\/p>\n So learn to do the little things every day. And start to pay attention to when she needs extra care! If it seems like your wife is having a rough day, mute your football game, put down the remote and go talk to her. Plant a smooch on her cheek as you walk through the kitchen. If you get a little ding in the hood of your car, you buff it out. You don\u2019t have to dissemble the entire car. You attend to the dents and scratches as you go.<\/p>\n Doing a few little things that show your wife how much you love her will make her feel wooed and pursued all over again, and when you see your wife start to perk up and say she feels more loved\u2026. Don\u2019t stop! Do it more. You\u2019ll be glad you did.<\/p>\n Just one final little thing. If you ever talk to her about this\u2026leave out the comparison to the old rust-bucket, okay?<\/p>\n Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only<\/em><\/a>, For Men Only<\/em><\/a>, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage<\/a><\/em>, <\/em>and her newest book, Through A Man\u2019s Eyes<\/a><\/i>. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her \ufb01ndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com<\/a> for more.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear Shaunti: I\u2019ve been married for 15 years, and my wife is a great mom, a great wife, and my best friend. I feel like things are going great. My wife, on the other hand, has started telling me that we\u2019ve \u201csettled\u201d for a mediocre marriage. I tell her I love her every day, but […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1684,"featured_media":7395,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17,22],"tags":[23,34,41,42,28],"class_list":["post-492","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage","category-work","tag-communication","tag-emotion","tag-feelings","tag-for-men-only","tag-romance"],"yoast_head":"\n
\n What is going on? How do you get back \u201cconnection\u201d with someone you thought you were connected to for more than 15 years?<\/strong>
\n -Mr. Mediocre<\/strong><\/p>\n