{"id":974,"date":"2015-08-31T11:01:40","date_gmt":"2015-08-31T15:01:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/?p=974"},"modified":"2019-09-30T17:45:32","modified_gmt":"2019-09-30T21:45:32","slug":"actions-dont-always-speak-louder-than-words-how-should-you-affirm-your-wife","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2015\/08\/actions-dont-always-speak-louder-than-words-how-should-you-affirm-your-wife\/","title":{"rendered":"Actions Don\u2019t Always Speak Louder than Words: How Should You Affirm Your Wife?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"
\n<\/a>Dear Shaunti,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m in hot water. \u00a0My wife is the most beautiful, amazing woman I know. (I\u2019m sure she\u2019d tell you otherwise, but it\u2019s true.) \u00a0But I just don\u2019t talk a lot, and it is hard for me to remember to say things like \u201cYou look pretty\u201d out loud. \u00a0Last week, she had an epic melt-down while I was watching TV. \u00a0She snatched the remote out of my hand, and told me I never compliment her, don\u2019t appreciate her and all she does, never notice her efforts to keep the house neat or take care of the kids\u2026 and the list goes on (for a while). \u00a0But I do<\/i> appreciate her! \u00a0I bring her flowers regularly, and I try to help her keep the house neat. \u00a0She\u2019s an amazing wife. \u00a0And even after more than 10 years of marriage, she\u2019s a looker \u2013 I just don\u2019t remember to say <\/i>that kind of stuff. \u00a0How can I suddenly become a \u201ctalker,\u201d when that just isn\u2019t me?<\/strong><\/p>\n

In the Doghouse<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Doghouse,<\/p>\n

That old saying, \u201cactions speak louder than words\u201d can sometimes get us in a lot of trouble. Because both<\/i> matter. A lot. \u00a0And all the bring-her-flowers actions in the world won\u2019t matter if your wife needs to hear you say <\/i>\u201cI love you\u201d and \u201cYou\u2019re beautiful\u201d\u2026 and you don\u2019t. \u00a0I don\u2019t know what happened with the whole TV-room meltdown, but my guess is that your wife wants to know that you to notice her<\/i> more than the TV.<\/p>\n

Your wife, like most women, needs to hear you say out loud <\/i>that she\u2019s beautiful to you. In our For Men Only<\/i><\/a> surveys, we found that overwhelmingly true especially among women like your wife. Among women in that busy, raising-kids season, 85% are longing for their husbands to say <\/i>these things, not just think them.<\/p>\n

Because unless you say it, how will she know you feel that way? After all, this culture pretty much ensures she will assume the opposite. \u00a0It is tough out there in a world where the \u201cideal\u201d female image is Photoshopped so that even the supermodels hardly measure up! \u00a0And if they don\u2019t, even the best wife and mom can easily feel that she\u2019s just one step this side of ugly. Every day the magazines in the check-out line and the commercials on television tell your wife that she needs to lose weight, look younger, be sexy \u2013 in all honesty, be perfect. \u00a0This kind of pressure can be crippling and hurtful, and it is constantly in your wife\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

As her man, you have incredible power to build her up (or tear her down) by what you say\u2026 or don\u2019t say. Because staying silent while your wife is beaten up by those \u201cyou\u2019re not enough\u201d messages is not a neutral posture. Either you\u2019re fighting those messages by what you tell her (\u201cYou get more beautiful every year\u201d), or you\u2019re leaving her to get beat up alone.<\/p>\n

You say you don\u2019t remember to \u201csay that kind of stuff?\u201d Picture me trying really hard to not roll my eyes.<\/p>\n

Do you remember to tell your boss what happened in that meeting yesterday? Do you remember to call back your client?<\/p>\n

I guarantee you that every day at work or in other parts of your life there are dozens of things you\u2019ve trained yourself to say out loud. Why? Because they absolutely need to be said in order for your job or that activity to function well.<\/p>\n

Well guess what? Telling your wife that she is beautiful, or that you appreciate what she does, is what needs to be said in order for your marriage to function well.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t an option. It is not a \u201cnice to have\u201d that you can afford to forget at the end of a long, tiring day. You must learn the habit and the skill of complimenting and thanking your wife, just like you learn the habit and the skill of telling your boss what he or she needs to know.<\/p>\n

So here\u2019s your assignment to build that habit: Every day for the next month, think of at least three affirming words or expressions of gratitude \u2013 \u201cYou look beautiful today\u201d or \u201cThank you so much for making this great dinner\u201d \u2013 and say them.<\/p>\n

That kind of compliment might not feel natural at first, but if you stick with it, it\u2019ll eventually feel as comfortable as \u201cPass the remote.\u201d<\/p>\n

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only<\/em><\/a>, For Men Only<\/em><\/a>, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage<\/a><\/em>, <\/em>and her newest book, Through A Man\u2019s Eyes<\/a><\/i>. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her \ufb01ndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com<\/a> for more.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Shaunti, I\u2019m in hot water. \u00a0My wife is the most beautiful, amazing woman I know. (I\u2019m sure she\u2019d tell you otherwise, but it\u2019s true.) \u00a0But I just don\u2019t talk a lot, and it is hard for me to remember to say things like \u201cYou look pretty\u201d out loud. \u00a0Last week, she had an epic […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1684,"featured_media":7449,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[47,23,42,18],"class_list":["post-974","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage","tag-appearance","tag-communication","tag-for-men-only","tag-women"],"yoast_head":"\nActions Don\u2019t Always Speak Louder than Words: How Should You Affirm Your Wife?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Dear Shaunti, I\u2019m in hot water. \u00a0My wife is the most beautiful, amazing woman I know. 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