<\/p>\n
Lately I\u2019ve been thinking about a kind of \u201ccase\u201d that\u2019s been running in my mind about someone in my extended family. The case is a combination of feeling hurt and mistreated, critique of the other person, irritation with others who haven\u2019t supported me, views about what should happen that hasn\u2019t, and implicit taking-things-personally.<\/p>\n In other words, the usual mess.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not that I have not been mistreated \u2013 actually, I have been \u2013 nor that my analysis of things is inaccurate (others agree that what I see does in fact exist). The problem is that my case is saturated with negative emotions like anger, biased toward my own viewpoint, and full of me-me-me. Every time I think of it I start getting worked up, adding to the bad effects of chronic stress. It creates awkwardness with others, since even though they support me, they\u2019re naturally leery of getting sucked into my strong feelings or into my conflict with the other person. It makes me look bad, too cranked up about things in the past. And it primes me for overreactions when I see the person in question. Yes, I practice with this stuff arising in my mind and generally don\u2019t act it out, but it\u2019s still a burden.<\/p>\n I think my own experience of case-making \u2013 and its costs \u2013 are true in general. In couples in trouble, one or both people usually have a detailed Bill of Particulars against the other person. At larger scales, different social or political groups have scathing indictments of the other side.<\/p>\n How about you? Think of someone you feel wronged by: can you find case against that person in your mind? What\u2019s it feel like to go into that case? What does it cost you? And others?<\/p>\n The key \u2013 often not easy \u2013 is to be open to your feelings (e.g., hurt, anger), to see the truth of things, and to take appropriate action . . . while not getting caught up in your case about it all.<\/p>\n How?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Bring to awareness a case about someone \u2013 probably related to a grievance, resentment, or conflict. It could be from your present or your past, resolved or still grinding. Explore this case, including: the version of events in it, other beliefs and opinions, emotions, body sensations, and wants; notice how you see the other person, and yourself; notice what you want from others (sometimes their seeming failings are a related case). For a moment or two, in your mind or out loud, get into the case: really make it! Then notice what that\u2019s like, to get revved up into your case.<\/p>\n Mentally or on paper, list some of the costs to you and others of making this particular case. Next, list the payoffs to you; on other words, what do you get out of making this case? For example, making a case typically makes us feel in the right, is energizing, and helps cover over softer vulnerable emotions like hurt or disappointment. Then ask yourself: are the payoffs worth the costs?<\/p>\n With this understanding, see if you can stay with the difficult feelings involved in the situation (the basis for the case) without slipping into a reproachful or righteous case about them. To do this, it could help to start by resourcing yourself by bringing to mind the felt sense of being cared about by others, and by opening to self-compassion. And try to hold those difficult feelings in a big space of awareness.<\/p>\n Open to a wider, more impersonal, big picture view of the situation \u2013 so it\u2019s less about you and more about lots of swirling causes coming together in unfortunate ways. See if any kind of deeper insight about the other person, yourself, or the situation altogether comes to you.<\/p>\n Listen to your heart: are there any skillful actions to take? Including naming the truth of things, disengaging from tunnels with no cheese, or the action of there-is-nothing-that-can-be-done.<\/p>\n Watch how a case starts forming in your mind, trying to get its hooks into you. Then see if you can interrupt the process. Literally set down the case, like plopping down a heavy suitcase when you finally get home after a long trip. What a relief!<\/p>\n Enjoy the good feelings, the spaciousness of mind, the openness of heart, the inner freedom, and other rewards of dropping your case.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Rick Hanson, Ph.D.<\/strong>, is a neuropsychologist and founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom<\/a>. His work has been featured on the BBC, NPR, Consumer Reports Health, U.S. News and World Report, and Huffington Post, and he is the author of the best-selling Buddha\u2019s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom<\/em><\/a>. He writes a weekly newsletter \u2013 Just One Thing \u2013 that suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind and heart. If you wish, you can subscribe to Just One Thing here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Who are you prosecuting? The Practice Drop the case. Why? Lately I\u2019ve been thinking about a kind of \u201ccase\u201d that\u2019s been running in my mind about someone in my extended family. The case is a combination of feeling hurt and mistreated, critique of the other person, irritation with others who haven\u2019t supported me, views about […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":270,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-213","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
\nWho are you prosecuting?
\n<\/strong>The Practice
\n<\/em><\/strong>Drop the case.
\n<\/strong>Why?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n