<\/p>\n
We all know people who are, ah, . . . challenging. It could be a critical parent, a bossy supervisor, a relative who has you walking on eggshells, a nice but flaky friend, a co-worker who just doesn\u2019t like you, a partner who won\u2019t keep his or her agreements, or a politician you dislike. Right now I\u2019m thinking of a neighbor who refused to pay his share of a fence between us.<\/p>\n As Jean-Paul Sartre put it: \u201cHell is other people.\u201d<\/p>\n Sure, that\u2019s overstated. But still, most of a person\u2019s hurts, disappointments, and irritations typically arise in reactions to other people.<\/p>\n Ironically, in order for good relationships to be so nurturing to us as human beings \u2013 who have evolved to be the most intimately relational animals on the planet \u2013 you must be so linked to others that some of them can really rattle you!<\/p>\n So what can you do?<\/p>\n Let\u2019s suppose you\u2019ve tried to make things better \u2013 such as taking the high road yourself and perhaps also trying to talk things out, pin down reasonable agreements, set boundaries, etc. \u2013 but the results have been partial or nonexistent.<\/p>\n At this point, it\u2019s natural to close off to the other person, often accompanied by feelings of apprehension, resentment, or disdain. While the brain definitely evolved to care about \u201cus,\u201d it also evolved to separate from, fear, exploit, and attack \u201cthem\u201d \u2013 and those ancient, neural mechanisms can quickly grab hold of you.<\/p>\n But what are the results? Closing off doesn\u2019t feel good. It makes your heart heavy and contracted. And it primes your brain to be more tense and reactive, which could get you into trouble, plus trigger the other person to act worse than ever.<\/p>\n Sometimes you do have to hang up the phone, block someone on Facebook, turn the channel on TV, or stay at a motel when visiting relatives. Sometimes you have to put someone out of your business, workgroup, holiday party list \u2013 or bed.<\/p>\n In extreme situations such as abuse, it may feel necessary to distance yourself utterly from another person for awhile or forever; take care of yourself in such situations, and listen to that inner knowing about what\u2019s best for you. But in general:<\/p>\n You never have to put anyone out of your heart.<\/p>\n How?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n When your heart is open, what\u2019s that feel like? Physically, in your chest \u2013 like warmth and relaxation \u2013 and in your body altogether. Emotionally \u2013 such as empathy, compassion, and an even keel. Mentally \u2013 like keeping things in perspective, and wishing others well.<\/p>\n Feel the strength being openhearted, wholehearted. Be not afraid, and be of good heart. Paradoxically, the most open person in a relationship is usually the strongest one.<\/p>\n Get a sense of your heart being expansive and inclusive, like the sky. The sky stays open to all clouds, and it isn\u2019t harmed by even the stormiest ones. Keeping your heart open makes it harder for others to upset you.<\/p>\n Notice that an open heart still allows for clarity about what works for you and what doesn\u2019t, as well as firmness, boundaries, and straight talk. Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and the Dalai Lama are famous for keeping their hearts open while also being very effective.<\/p>\n Seeing all this, make a commitment to an open heart.<\/p>\n In this light, be mindful of what it feels like \u2013 physically, emotionally, mentally \u2013 to have your heart closed to a particular person. Be aware of the seemingly good reasons the reactive brain\/mind throws up to justify this.<\/p>\n Then ask yourself, given the realities of this challenging person, what would have been a better path for you? For example, maybe you should have gotten more support from others or been more self-nurturing, so you wouldn\u2019t have been as affected. Or spoken up sooner to try to prevent things from getting out of hand. Or managed your internal reactions more skillfully. Maybe you\u2019ve done some things yourself to prompt the other person to be difficult. Whatever these lessons are, there\u2019s no praise or blame here, just good learning for you.<\/p>\n And now, if you\u2019re willing, explore opening your heart again to this person. Life\u2019s been hard to him or her, too. Nothing might change in your behavior or in the nature of the relationship. Nonetheless, you\u2019ll feel different \u2013 and better.<\/p>\n Last, do not put yourself out of your heart. If you knew you as another person, wouldn\u2019t you want to hold that person in your heart?<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n Rick Hanson, Ph.D.<\/strong>, is a neuropsychologist and founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom<\/a>. His work has been featured on the BBC, NPR, Consumer Reports Health, U.S. News and World Report, and Huffington Post, and he is the author of the best-selling Buddha\u2019s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom<\/em><\/a>. He writes a weekly newsletter \u2013 Just One Thing \u2013 that suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind and heart. If you wish, you can subscribe to Just One Thing here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" What is an open heart? The Practice Put no one out of your heart. Why? We all know people who are, ah, . . . challenging. It could be a critical parent, a bossy supervisor, a relative who has you walking on eggshells, a nice but flaky friend, a co-worker who just doesn\u2019t like you, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":270,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[16,30,68,70,87,92,179,193,223,226],"class_list":["post-219","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-apprehension","tag-boundaries","tag-disappointments","tag-disdain","tag-extreme-situations","tag-feelings","tag-neural-mechanisms","tag-open-heart","tag-relatives","tag-resentment"],"yoast_head":"\n
\nWhat is an open heart?
\nThe Practice<\/em>
\nPut no one out of your heart.
\nWhy?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n