{"id":26,"date":"2011-08-27T12:26:00","date_gmt":"2011-08-27T16:26:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/badcatholic\/2011\/08\/how-to-report-on-the-catholic-church\/"},"modified":"2011-11-18T12:45:16","modified_gmt":"2011-11-18T17:45:16","slug":"how-to-report-on-the-catholic-church","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/badcatholic\/2011\/08\/how-to-report-on-the-catholic-church.html","title":{"rendered":"How To Report On the Catholic Church"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

N<\/span>ow between the Pope not approving the use of condoms, the Bishops not saying that gay marriage is cool, World Youth Day and everything else, I\u2019ve been reading a good deal of media coverage on the Catholic Church. Being an intuitive human being, I couldn\u2019t help but notice some patterns in this coverage. Thus, in an effort to help the new journalist about to concoct his first article about the Church, I have developed a template for the perfect article to report on any Catholic event. It\u2019s foolproof, people.<\/p>\n

____________________<\/div>\n

Title That Completely Undervalues Event Described. <\/span><\/h2>\n

(Try: Pope Meets Youth, Bishop Speaks at Event, Pro-choicers and Pro-lifers Clash in Washington at the Annual March For Life, Catholics Did Something Today, etc. It\u2019s a good idea to begin these banal phrases with the phrase, \u201camidst controversy\u2026\u201d regardless of the existence of any controversy. Saying the event was \u201creally about nationalism\u201d or \u201canything-but-people-actually-celebrating-the-faith\u201d is also wise. Alternatively, completely ignore the event, mass, or address at hand, and stick with a standard headline that has been used\u00a0approximately\u00a017 million times to date: \u201cHomosexual Groups Protest Catholic\u2019s_______\u201d Don\u2019t worry if there were any homosexuals, or if they amounted to one gay man with a sign, Take his picture. Oh, and anything can fill the previous blank. Some examples that have been used to great effect include: \u201cideas\u201d, \u201chairstyles\u201d, \u201ccars\u201d and \u201csinging voices.\u201d )<\/p>\n

The Facts.<\/strong> Like a good journalist, use this is the paragraph to introduce the basic truths of the event. It doesn\u2019t matter if your headline was about homosexual protest; consistency is for wusses.<\/h3>\n

It\u2019s important to recognize that truth is not necessarily important. Numbers can be rounded down to the nearest million, because this is an age of science. It is good journalism to mention in this paragraph your own feelings about such large crowds. Words like \u201coddly\u201d and \u201csurprisingly\u201d preceding facts such as \u201cyoung people held a vigil\u201d are great. Feel free to lie about the demographics at the event, as was brilliantly executed in media coverage of the March for Life, which \u2013 as we know \u2013 was completely absent of young women.<\/p>\n

Obligatory mention of the absolute fact that no one agrees with the Church.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Start this paragraph with, \u201cIn a time in which youth are embracing sexual liberation\u2026\u201d or \u201cDespite popular criticism\u2026\u201d Trust me, all your friends will think you\u2019re cool.<\/p>\n

Quote from a dissenting Catholic.<\/strong> You will be fired, your name turned to mud, your family killed and your paper burnt in the fiery pits of hell if you do not include this.<\/h3>\n

The best way to do this is to interview an individual who was walking by the reported event at the time, and remembers this one time attending mass at the age of three when his great-uncle\u2019s friend died. He\u2019s an orthodox Catholic, you see. To get a good quote from him, ask the following questions. \u201cDo you like sex?\u201d \u201cDo you get upset when people tell you not to do what you like?\u201d \u201cHave you heard of Humanae Vitae?\u201d (When he says no, give him the CliffNotes version: \u201cPope hates you and wants you to never have sex.) Then ask: \u201cHey, what do you think about this Catholic event?\u201d Or call up the group of aging old women who run Catholics for Choice and ask them, \u201cWhat does the Catholic Church teach about abortion?\u201d Excommunicated priests are next. And if all else fails, schedule lunch with Nancy Pelosi.<\/p>\n

Unfortunate smidgen of truth.<\/strong> We hate this part, everyone does, but at some point you have suck it up and quote the Pope, dammit.<\/h3>\n

But don\u2019t worry. You can slip it in beween bizarre and distracting sentences very easily. A
\ngood example of this: \u201cThe church has caught fire for it\u2019s conservative position on abortion and it\u2019s hatred of homosexuals. \u2018Love Jesus, every one,\u2019 the Pope said. The Roman Pontiff, incidentally, has no control over his bishops, and was in the Hitler Youth, betcha didn\u2019t know that, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n\"\"\n

That\u2019s the kind of journalism that\u2019ll give people warm shivers just thinking about it. But if it\u2019s not possible, this is the place to place a picture. Notice the picture on the right. Make sure to have it hit the eye right when you say the only truthful thing about the Pope. This particular picture would look great next to \u201cMillions of youth pray with the Pope\u201d or \u201cThe Pope mentioned that hope was a virtue that should define Catholics throughout the world.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sex-abuse scandals. <\/strong>Mention this or you won\u2019t be paid for a year. It doesn\u2019t matter if your headline is \u201cPriest Famous For His Fajitas\u201d. Actually, nothing matters at all. When reporting on an event, if you can make it seem that children were molested at the event while you were there, then you\u2019ve successfully written this paragraph.<\/h3>\n

Again, don\u2019t worry about the truth. Don\u2019t worry that the church is statistically among the \u2018safest places\u2019 to bring your children. Just write what your heart tells you to. That\u2019s what journalism is all about. Alternatively, the scandals can be used as a addition to the phrase \u201cRoman Catholic Church\u201d. For example: It has been noticed that many members of the Roman Catholic Church, which is still\u00a0desperately\u00a0trying to cover up it\u2019s rampant sex-abuse crisis, like to wear hats.<\/p>\n

Back to the event you were covering<\/strong>. <\/span>But with more oh-so-subtle patronization, because journalism is all about you, man.<\/h2>\n

We know, we know, it sucks to have to actually report an event. But it helps to come back to your original event, as it gives the journalist the sense that he can write absolutely anything between his first paragraph and this paragraph and get a Pulitzer Prize.\u00a0Airily\u00a0mention that the Catholic masses were happy.<\/p>\n

Finish it up.<\/strong> This is your time to shine. This is the time when you, the journalist, get to move beyond your boring, accurate, factual coverage of a Catholic event and now \u2013 for the very first time \u2013 get to insert your own opinion about the Catholic Church.<\/span><\/p>\n

How will you do it? The world holds it\u2019s breath. Will you save the homosexual protest for now, like a daring renegade writer, leaving the literary room with a bang? Will you drily find some hypocrisy in some-one attending or giving the event, as in: \u201cMany of the youth at World Youth Day were miserable because of the heat and rain\u201d and leave the reader marveling at your potent audacity? Maybe you\u2019ll mention something with all the literary power of metaphor, as in, \u201cThe tent the bishops were standing in almost collapsed because of strong winds\u201d, and be patted on the back by your boss. Whatever it is, it\u2019s yours. End that article big boy, you\u2019ll put that old, antiquated institution in its grave at last.<\/p>\n

__________________________<\/span><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Now between the Pope not approving the use of condoms, the Bishops not saying that gay marriage is cool, World Youth Day and everything else, I\u2019ve been reading a good deal of media coverage on the Catholic Church. Being an intuitive human being, I couldn\u2019t help but notice some patterns in this coverage. Thus, in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":121,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[48,63],"tags":[34,49],"class_list":["post-26","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-destupidification","category-how-to","tag-anti-catholicism","tag-journalism"],"yoast_head":"\nHow To Report On the Catholic Church<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Now between the Pope not approving the use of condoms, the Bishops not saying that gay marriage is cool, World Youth Day and everything else, I've been\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/badcatholic\/2011\/08\/how-to-report-on-the-catholic-church.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" 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