never<\/em> do that) but today sucked and I\u2019m going to blog about it. Because it\u2019s my blog, that\u2019s why.<\/p>\nAfter Lincoln\u2019s frenulectomy we had three beautiful days. Three days where I saw who my son could be, who he should be. He still wasn\u2019t an overwhelmingly happy baby, but he was content. He wasn\u2019t frantically trying to nurse every 30 minutes. Instead of taking one two hour nap in the morning and then dozing for 30 minutes in between fits of screaming and frustrating bouts of breastfeeding the rest of the day, he napped contentedly, ate happily, and spent his awake time cheerfully, in our arms or out of them.<\/p>\n
Then it all went to hell.<\/p>\n
I think the frenulectomy closed up. I know there are stretches to do so this doesn\u2019t happen, but the ENT specifically told me not to do those because it could cause tissue damage around the stitch site. So I didn\u2019t. And now his latch is worse than ever. It\u2019s so bad that after an endless night of restless, angry nursing, I finally tried one last time to nurse him and he gave up three minutes in and just wailed. I felt so helpless and so desperate that I called my neighbor, who brought over formula and a bottle. Then another neighbor sent another bottle and more formula. But Lincoln wouldn\u2019t take either bottle. I tried for hours. He went a solid five hours between the failed nursing attempt this morning and the moment around noon when I finally gave up, in tears again, and tried to nurse him. Maybe half an ounce of formula had dribbled into his mouth, but he\u2019d spit most of it right out.<\/p>\n
He nursed for about ten minutes and then fell asleep in exhaustion. I spent the next two hours alternately nursing him and soothing him when he got frustrated and crying myself. I felt horribly guilty about giving him formula this morning, but that guilt went right out the window today. At this point, I just want him to eat. Something. Somehow.<\/p>\n
It isn\u2019t like he\u2019s underweight. He\u2019s much, much thinner than my other babies were, and I know that my milk supply is about half what it usually is, but he\u2019s still tracking okay on the growth chart. Or he was, three weeks ago. So he\u2019s getting some calories at least, probably due to my ridiculously overactive letdown. But he\u2019s never content.<\/p>\n
We have an appointments with a lactation consultant and the ENT who did the frenulectomy tomorrow, so hopefully we will get some answers. I\u2019m also going to borrow a pump so I can try breastmilk in the bottle. Maybe he\u2019ll be more inclined to try it then. In the meantime\u2026I dunno. I\u2019m going to try not to actually go right over the cliff into total breakdown mode.<\/p>\n
I said this on my facebook page this morning and I really meant it. I have never had enough sympathy for mothers who struggled to breastfeed. It was just always so easy for me, I didn\u2019t understand how it could possibly be that difficult.<\/p>\n
Well, fellow mothers, I\u2019m sorry for being a snot-faced asshat who did her horrible part to perpetuate the mommy wars. Because this is terrible. It\u2019s probably the most stressful experience of my life, and that includes drug withdrawals and living with my in-laws with three kids and my husband halfway across the country. This is so awful I can\u2019t even put on a happy face when I see people on the street. It\u2019s so awful that I didn\u2019t even smile when the Ogre brought me home a bag of chocolate tonight. It\u2019s so awful that I don\u2019t even want to watch TV.<\/p>\n
And I know it\u2019s good that I\u2019m getting my portion of humble pie, but I wish God would stop dishing it out so often. I\u2019ve had so many humbling experiences with motherhood that there is absolutely no area left where I think I rock this shizzle because I\u2019m doing it right, that\u2019s why. Breastfeeding was the last holdout. I know nothing about mothering children. I have no secret abilities or innate gifts. I have no more grand delusions about how homebirthing or breastfeeding or cosleeping or attachment parenting will solve all those poor other<\/em> mothers\u2019 problems. Reality slapped those right out of me.<\/p>\nI get it now, God. Being a mother is a monumental task, and every mother is different, and every child is different, and no one-size-fits-all \u201cyour baby will be happy if you do X because RESEARCH AND STATISTICS\u201d approach is ever going to work. Life has thrown me ridiculously thick frenula and a baby who can actually regenerate, probably because of my excessive gestational Doctor Who watching. The one thing I never worried about has ended up completely undoing me. I admit that I\u2019ve been overly prideful about this one thing, and can only see that when it\u2019s falling apart. I get it.<\/p>\n
Please, though, no more pie right now. Let me get over choking this one down.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Well this has been a spectacularly awful day. Normally I try not to use my blog to just vent and whine (right, long-time readers? I never do that) but today sucked and I\u2019m going to blog about it. Because it\u2019s my blog, that\u2019s why. After Lincoln\u2019s frenulectomy we had three beautiful days. Three days where […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[48,49,26,32],"class_list":["post-1156","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-breastfeeding","tag-humility","tag-motherhood","tag-tongue-tie"],"yoast_head":"\n
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![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/225\/2012\/12\/humble-pie-shop.jpg\" "\\"humble")
<\/a>