I am currently basking in my slightly-above-average mediocrity. Later I\u2019ll be basking in vodka, too, which will just tie this day together in a neat little bow of triumph and tragedy.<\/p>\n
I know you\u2019re all on the edge of your seats, wondering if we did indeed become a victim of the American version of Ebola (minus the whole pesky spewing blood thing) and if the house in which we reside is currently under a giant yellow government-funded circus tent with \u201cQUARANTINE \u2014 THESE KIDS WILL SERIOUSLY PUKE ON YOU\u201d written on it.<\/p>\n
But you\u2019re not going to find out if that\u2019s the case today.<\/p>\n
Today, I just have to pop in quickly to say the following.<\/p>\n
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<\/a><\/div>\nOn the day they sent me home from the hospital with Sienna, I got very panicky. The nurse said, \u201cYou\u2019re free to go home now!\u201d and I said, \u201cAre you kidding? I can\u2019t take care of this baby. What am I going to do when I can\u2019t send her back to the nursery?\u201d Luckily the Ogre was there, and he grimaced at me, grimaced at the nurse, swept up the baby-filled car-seat and stomped off to be the adult in our lives.<\/p>\n
At that moment, I was glad he had chosen that role to play, so I didn\u2019t have to.<\/p>\n
At this moment, I wonder when it was that I suddenly became enough of a grown up to deal with sand in a little girl\u2019s nether regions and a baby boy who won\u2019t get his fingers off his penis no matter what else is coming out of it.<\/p>\n
Seriously, why? Why, oh my children, are you such savages?<\/p>\n
Look, I say to my daughter. This is a civilized (erm, ish) country. You can\u2019t just shovel sand down your underwear when you\u2019re in the sandbox because you want to see how much will fit. You just can\u2019t do that. First, because it\u2019s an extremely bizarre and strange thing to do. I know you\u2019re small, though, so I\u2019ll forgive you your inability to realize that your behavior qualifies you for some intense psychotherapy sessions. Let\u2019s move on to reason two. You see those tears that are rolling down your cheeks? You hear those wails that are coming from your mouth? That\u2019s reason #2 why you shouldn\u2019t shove sand down your underwear. Because it hurts. It hurt when you did the same thing last week, and it hurts again today. And it will continue hurting each and every time you choose to do something that foolish. So please stop.<\/p>\n
And then I turn to my son, who has both hands shoved gleefully down what is most certainly, given the smell, and extremely dirty diaper and I say, \u201cNO!\u201d Because, well, he\u2019s thirteen months old and pretty much anything I say sounds like this to him:<\/p>\n
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